August 2, 2012
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My “Are You F*cking Serious?!” Moment
I had a really bad “Are you f*cking serious?!” moment two days ago. Like, really bad.
It started when I discovered a nasty-ass fly had infiltrated my personal space…
I hate flies. They are like bees except instead of spreading pollen, they spread fecal matter. (Man, I really want to insert “pollination versus germination,” but germination doesn’t have anything to do with germs.) And given that I have three cats, there was a very good chance that this fly would eventually find a way into the litter box and land on a doot kernel that would also be its lunch. It would then be covered in contaminates and dootier than before because it probably came in already covered in poo and pee.
Anything that fly landed on would be tainted, and I knew I had to stop it. I grabbed my electrified bug swatter and tried to electrocute it, but it always flew away before I could even attempt a swing.
Flies are pretty fast, but this one was way more agile than those I’d dealt with in the past. Even exhaling seemed to set it off–which would then set me off and I would end up chasing it around my house.
After losing sight of it a few times, I found the fly had returned to the dirty sauté pan where it first introduced itself.
I took a swing at it…
I know in my heart and soul that I would have succeeded in killing it, I just know it. And I could have gone on with my life if only I had not thrown the swatter down right before it hit the pan. But I did because at that moment I had a sudden epiphany: “Electricity on steel pan!”
(Holy sh*t! I almost electrocuted myself…maybe? Okay fine, maybe the result wouldn’t have been so dramatic, but I’m pretty sure the outcome–whatever it was–would not have been pleasant.)
At that point, I realized for sure that I was not dealing with an average fly. This one was smart. This one knew it could dodge my swatter attacks by landing on the pan. But there was one thing it didn’t know:
I was smarter.
That’s right! I was going to use a dress to attack the fly when it was in the pan, and the swatter when it was out. Eat a d*ck, Fly! My genius was able to negate the protection of your sauté shield!
…Unfortunately, said genius was not enough to overcome my really bad aim.
Dress fail:
Bug swatter fail:
FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!
After about an hour of this futility, I was done looking retarded and decided to admit defeat. One of my cats would eventually kill it, or maybe it would freeze to death when I had my AC on. The fly was going to die eventually…just not by my hand.
I consoled myself with some coffee, which I drank using a straw. Yeah, yeah, hot coffee and plastic straws don’t mix, but the potential health risks are nothing compared to the hell I went through when I got my teeth whitened two weeks ago. I had a Groupon for “Zoom! II” laser whitening, and although the procedure worked for me, the pain and agony that followed made it an experience I never, ever want to go through again. So if I have to drink coffee through a straw to preserve the results, fine. I’ll pick PABAs or whatever the hell over “Zoom! II” treatments any day of the week.
Anyway, as I was saying: I decided to console my failed attempts to murder Super Fly with coffee. Just as I was about to reach for my mug, I noticed something:
There, sitting on the rim of my coffee cup and batting its wings in what I can only guess was “F*CK YOU” in Morse code, was that damn fly.
I was pissed–and rightfully so, I think, because you know as well as I do that the fly was rubbing its victory in my face. It knew I was incapable of killing it, and that the most I could do was wave it away from my coffee…which I did in a rather peaceful manner.
I picked up my mug and took a sip of coffee from my straw…a sip…which I swallowed.
And then I saw something…
Before I go any further, let me stress again that the sip of coffee was in my stomach and there was no way I could get it out because I can’t throw up. Even when I have really bad food poisoning. So there was nothing I could do but wait for the coffee to pass through naturally–and this detail is important because right then and there I saw one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
THAT F*CKING FLY WAS IN MY COFFEE! MY COFFEE! ALONG WITH ALL THE SH*T AND PISS IT WAS COVERED IN! AND I DRANK SOME OF IT!
WHY?!
Comments (31)
Lol! Some pics are not showing.
It must have been sent from the future to torment you. =:-O
Your salvation lies in the straw – at least you were getting the drink from the bottom of the cup while the fly was on top.
you should have close your eye when you drink it.. that way, you wouldn’t notice (unless it came into your mouth)
I almost thought you were going to say you drank the fly through your straw. That would have suuuucked
Btw you wouldn’t have been electrocuted. also yea hate it when bugs are close or touch my food too lol, the irony of you just shooing the fly inadvertently to it’s impending doom is awesome lol
That was hilarious!!
Awww, one day you’ll see the humor in it too.
But did u lose on purpose so u wouldnt have to swat against your teammates!
hairspray + lighter
Your knowledge of electricity, not so good. And really, it’s only a fly. But your humor, top notch.
In the end you won! Should have started with the coffee in the first place =D
You get into some of the most crazy situations. LOL! At least the fly is dead now!
@cbr600 - Ohhh snap, you went there!
I might have grabbed the flying bug spray … this is a very entertaining blog!
you are always too funny
i thoroughly enjoyed reading this… fly in your coffee and all.
you know what this entry remind me of? The cricket in Mulan… chillin in the matchmaker’s hot tea. 
LOL made my day!!!
All I could think of while reading your bug fiasco was that now I can’t eat anything ever again in my kitchen. THough, that’ll probably last about an hour before I forget.
one of your best yet! and we all enjoy this at your expense! Stupid flies, I hate when they win, and tease us of their victory!
If you had a man in the house, that fly would have been mush. I wouldn’t sweat the germs and fecal matter. Once upon a time in Iraq, a mouse laid a turd on my filthy mattress-cot. I was too exhausted to do anything more than set my alarm, flick off the poo, and pass out into blissful sleep.
Aahhh!!! Well at least you got ride of it. Right?
A little shit and piss never hurt anyone. Just ask Bear Grylls.
In different actions, this was me yesterday
LOL, sorry I am getting joy out of your misery, but I can totally relate to the ordeal you’ve been through with that fly!
you look fantastic
@MiDarkLyfe - how long did it take you to draw this serious? It’s good and funny, but I only use traditional fly swatter. The trick is to attack the fly 4-5″ about it. Their reaction is to take off and they’re faster than we are.
gross!!! I swear, flies actually are smart and just try to screw with us. it really seems that way sometimes doesn’t it!
Lol. I hate flies too.
However, I do love those electric bug swatters though. There’s something rather satisfying about the “pop” that bugs make when getting hit by that thing.
You get a rec for making that fly swatter look like a tennis racket haha
lol crazy but funny lol
At least it wasn’t flying around anymore, spreading fecal matter….?
I didn’t realize there were such things as electric fly swatters! I’m sorry you drank coffee that the fly bathed in.. :/
Just went through your whole blog, being the awesome stalker that I am, and I can say with confidence that I admire you and think I love you a little bit. =) Though, I guess it’s not called stalking when I’m just reading all the entries you put up over the years for the specific reason to have people read them. It took me quite awhile and your site’s been in my favorites folder for a good time now. It’s gunna be sad that I now have nothing new to read, and must be a slave to whenever you decide to update. Just to clarify, I will be eagerly awaiting a new post from you.