August 17, 2012

• My Sh*tty Morning

  I had a rather rude and traumatic awakening yesterday morning:

  

  Ah yes…nothing like starting off your day with a face full of “What the f*ck?!” Breakfast of champions…

  So what was it that messed up my morning? Let me set up the scene for you with a bit of back-story.

  As you know, I have three cats. Turnip is the orange one, Pepper is the tortie, and Walnut is the grey one. The protagonist in today’s story is Turnip. He’s super sweet and loves meeting people (unless they’re veterinarians), and almost everyone who sees him will tell me things like, “He’s gorgeous!” and “What a beautiful kitty!” And then they see Walnut and Pepper and give an obligatory, “They’re cute too,” followed up by a “But Turnip is such a handsome cat!” *sigh*

  Turnip is generally very good, but he’s got really bad habits and they all tend to result in property damage. The most troublesome one is biting thin stringy things like electrical cords, the little rope you pull to raise your window blinds, my hair, brooms, etc. If it consists of anything thin and string-like, it’s fair game.

  

  Although a majority of the items he’s chewed on weren’t at all meant to be consumed by any living creature, Turnip’s never gotten sick as a result. The worst thing that happens is that sometimes I’ll find one of his poop kernels outside of the litter box because it was attached to a piece of hair that didn’t make it out all the way. If you need a visual, imagine a daisy chain (not the electrical engineering one, but the one with actual flowers) is coming out of his butt, except the chain is actually my hair and the daisies are doots. Anyway, the doot kernel falls off the hair it was attached to and ends up on the floor. But it doesn’t stay there for very long because I always, always immediately sweep it up with a little dust pan and broom that I specifically bought for that purpose, and then drench the area with Lysol disinfectant spray. Overdoing it, you say? We’re talking about poop, people, POOP!

  Luckily, the clean-up isn’t a big deal because the stuff is usually small and solid. The kernels I found outside of the litter box last month, however…

  

  On the outside they looked like typical cat poop–i.e., solid, peanut M&M’s-shaped brown things–so I just took my little dust pan and broom and started sweeping them up.

  

  Peanut M&M’s my ass! Those turds turned out to be f*cking Cadbury Creme Eggs, and I ended up painting sh*t on the floor!

  I know I designated the little dust pan and broom to be cat doots only, but now it was seriously sh*t-specific. Not that I needed a reminder or anything, but still…

  Flash-forward back to yesterday morning: I was sleeping when the sound of cats at play woke me up.

  

  I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but the ruckus kept going.

  

  Then I felt something land on me, so I sat up all grumpy-like.

  

  And then I noticed that lying on my blanket was the thing that had landed on me.

  

  

  And you know what it was? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?!

  

  The f*cking doot broom! Dammit! DAMMIT!

  P.S. Is this why roosters crow “cock-a-DOOdle-DOO“?!

  • 2:26 pm
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