August 30, 2012

• That Ticking You Hear is Not My Biological Clock!

  My current position on kids and parenthood can be summed up in a conversation I had with a client during a break in our arbitration hearing. The client was telling me about his daughter recently giving birth to twins and how excited he was to be a grandfather. And after doing some “how time flies” reminiscing, he asked:

  

  To which I responded:

  

  

  No, the client was not really a giant sandwich cookie. I just drew him as such for purposes of protecting confidentiality and the attorney-client privilege and all that other stuff (plus, that’s what he was snacking on while we were chatting). And yes, I meant it when I said, “OMG, no…no way. Kids are dirty!”

  Mr. Cookie Client had a good laugh and said it was great that I knew myself well enough to know that I wasn’t ready to have children. I didn’t think much more about it; I just assumed it was the way most people would react when someone tells them they aren’t ready to become a parent. But then my coworker told me about a conversation she had while having lunch with her former college classmates, and how they reacted when she told them that she and her new husband wanted to enjoy being newlyweds for a few years before starting a family. In a nutshell: they did not take it well.

  Maybe it’s because I’m not married, but I totally understood where my coworker was coming from and why. The thought of having a kid in general just scares the sh*t out of me. It should actually scare a lot of people, and not just those kids on “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” I recently met a couple who got pregnant immediately after their wedding because they wanted to be the first in their group of friends to say, “We’re having a baby!” I mean, they actually admitted this was their reason for having their baby. And the minute they posted the announcement on Facebook, all the other couples in their circle suddenly wanted to get pregnant too. Judging by the radio silence on their Facebook pages, however, none of them have been very successful. I think they might want to reconsider after looking at pictures of the first pregnant couple, because they’ve become progressively more and more raggedy since their kid was born.

  Anyway, when one of my coworker’s married-with-children friends asked her when she was going to start having kids of her own, she told them that she and her husband were going to wait a few years. And the reaction she received in response was nothing like what I got from Mr. Cookie Client. Her friends reacted as if she’d told them that she was going to sacrifice their kids to the devil in hopes of bringing Hitler back to life (that’s exactly how she described it). She didn’t understand why her classmates reacted the way they did, and neither do I. As we all know by now, just because you’re unmarried doesn’t mean you can’t have kids, and just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to.

  I already know I’m not ready to be a parent of anything that doesn’t have four legs. Seriously, the burdens of the baby phase alone are enough to make me swear off motherhood for the next 10 years. The screaming for attention, diaper dootie duty, the drooling—oh, and the expenses! Let’s not forget the expenses. I’d probably have to swear off video games, fast food, and Groupon for, like, forever—and I’m so not willing to do that right now. In order to be a good parent, you have to selfless. Unfortunately for my future children, I’m just way too selfish right now to bring them into this world…through my vagina. UGH! Have you ever accidentally flipped to one of those health channels late at night? Their entire evening lineup is just vaginal births and surgeries. WTF?! Why can’t they blur that sh*t out?!

  BUT! I wasn’t always anti-kid. When I was younger, I used to think, “I’m going to have kids when I grow up. Hopefully a son and a daughter!” I never hesitated to accept motherhood as part of my future plans, and I had no qualms telling people this—especially to boyfriends I wanted to break up with. Yeah, I was one those bad break-uppers who beats around the bush because I didn’t have the balls to say, “I want to break up.” Instead, I took the passive-aggressive route:

  

  

  

  Back then it was easy for me to say “I want children someday” because “someday” was far off in the future. Now that I’m older, however, “someday” is starting to become “now,” and I no longer have the luxury of being so haphazard with my statements. And I can’t use the Biological Clock Card as a dumping tool because what if the guy actually wants kids? Then what?

  

  

  When I told Mr. Cookie Client my reasons for not being ready for children, he said I had a good head on my shoulders (he also said, “If your man tells you he doesn’t care about the weight you gained during pregnancy, he is lying. We all care, we just don’t say it out loud.” Bwahahaha!) And while raising a family was one of the most difficult things he’d ever done, it also brought him exponential amounts of joy. But he had all those positive parenting experiences because he was ready for parenthood. Readiness is a definite requirement for good parenting, and that’s true whether your married or not.

  So until I’ve attained that level of readiness, my biological clock is just going to have to remain on snooze mode. And if someone acts all dramatic when you tell him you’re not ready to have kids yet, print giant versions of the following pictures, tape them on a sign, and then bitch sign-slap him until he gets it.

  

  

  

  • 4:34 pm
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