Saturday, 06 June 2009

  • I know a guy who recently moved in with a female friend he has known for about 10 years. They are simply roommates sharing an apartment…oh, and they occasionally have sex. But don’t get the wrong idea: they both insist they are still “only friends” despite this arrangement. They are both free to date other people—and the guy does, but must later deal with his roommate’s jealous tirades. And they both lead separate lives, such as hanging out with their own friends—except the girl calls and sends text messages to the guy, demanding to know where he is and whether there are any vaginas near him. Normally, this girl would be considered a possessive girlfriend, but that definitely isn’t the case here because she and this guy are only roommates, and not boyfriend/girlfriend. At most, they are just “friends-with-benefits.”

    *Sniff* *Sniff*…what’s that stanky smell? I think it’s Eau de Dumbass.

    This guy’s situation just reinforces my belief that there is no such thing as being strictly friends with someone you have sex with. None. And this is true regardless of whether you call it “friends-with-benefits,” “friends-that-f*ck,” or whatever. Someone is going to develop feelings for their booty-call buddy and once that happens, it is no longer no-strings-attached sex. You are entering relationship territory—which, ironically, was very thing you hoped to avoid when you set up the arrangement in the first place. Sucks to be you!

    It’s hard for me to sympathize with anyone who enters into a friends-with-benefits agreement and ends up in a “real relationship” he never wanted. In fact, I find their misfortune very, very funny. These people all wanted to get laid without compromising their singleness or paying for prostitutes, and came up with the brilliant idea that sleeping with their friends was the best solution. I guess these geniuses somehow forgot that “friendship” is the step immediately below “relationship.”

    But is it really a surprise that being in a friends-with-benefits situation has the potential to turn into a romantic relationship? All of us are friends with people we like, but admit it: there is at least one you’d consider being romantically involved with. That person just happens to have more of the qualities you’d like in a boyfriend or girlfriend; and being able to see yourself dating that person—however remote the possibility—kind of makes your friendship a little more than “just friends.”

    As for the friends you would not get romantically involved with—well, you’re simply not attracted to them. Doesn’t mean you value their friendship any less...they just aren’t your type. I have a number of guy friends I genuinely like, but the thought of getting freaky with any of them turns my vagina into the Gobi Desert—as in, go be nasty with someone else.

    BeneficialFriend1

    BeneficialFriend2

    And if that is not enough to convince you, then this will: friends-with-benefits? Friends-that-f*ck? Girlfriends and boyfriends? It’s not a coincidence that they all have the word “friend” in them. That alone should be enough to scare you.

    Of course, you may disagree if you know from experience that there is such thing as an emotionless friends-with-benefits friendship, but you’re obviously only saying that because you weren’t the one who developed romantic feelings. That, or your friends-with-benefits friendship was something like this:

    Hamburger

    Now there's a friends-with-benefits relationship I condone!

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