April 9, 2013
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I think I’ve been pretty vocal about not wanting to have kids anytime soon, but in case I haven’t already said enough, here’s the rundown on where I am in terms of motherhood and maternity: I want kids like I want AIDS. That sounds pretty mean, but it’s a response that tends to get my point across while also killing off the follow-up question “Why not?” before it can even be asked. And you know that one’s coming if you say anything along the lines of “I don’t want children right now” because for some reason, people with kids will interpret that as “I want children right now, I just don’t know it.”
The worst offenders are parents who are within your age group because they seem to be most interested in making sure everyone who is about as old as they are has at least one child. Seriously, they are the worst. I don’t know what it is, but they’re always like, “Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done,” and then they get really door-to-door religious-salespeople on your ass and try to convince their childfree friends to join their cult.
Count me out. I just took my do-I-want-kids litmus test and the results came back a resounding “HELL NO”… By “litmus test” I mean “I met my cousin’s one year-old daughter,” and by “HELL NO” I mean “I would rather drive a rusty nail through my left eyeball than spend another second with that.” And my left eye is the one that doesn’t have astigmatism! Yes, it’s the good eye!
But I’m not kidding when I say this: My cousin’s kid was a freakin’ monster. She was super demanding, always trying to grab at things and throwing awful screaming fits whenever she couldn’t get her way. It was a nightmare being around her. And this little girl is related to me by blood, people, by blood! So I went in already liking her just by virtue of our family ties–and yet she still managed to not only make me dislike her, but also dislike the prospect of having children of my own.
Seeing as how I can’t stand kids I’m actually related to, I take that as a sign that I’m not ready to be a parent. It’s going to come up eventually, though. That’s usually the way things work after marriage, right? Great…
I’ve got a few ways of handling it though…kind of like conversational ninjutsu that lets you say “yuck” without actually saying “yuck.”
THE CONVERSATION
I imagine it will start out like this…
(Yes, I drew him as a hamburger and not a half-assed stick figure. Why? Because I love hamburgers!)
Strategy 1: Wait it out and then answer the question you would’ve preferred to have been asked instead.
Strategy 2: Get all social issue-y and then bust out the Discrimination Card.
Strategy 3: When in doubt, there’s always Halle Berry.
BWA HAHAHAHA! WIN (?)!
Comments (24)
Option four: “You’re a hamburger, you can’t have children.” Then refuse to explain what’s going on and never show him this comic.
I feel your pain. I’m lucky as guys who are married with kids (while happy that they do have kids) do not try to persuade me to settle down and have kids. They usually say, “don’t worry, you’ve still got time” and “enjoy your freedom while it lasts”. This attitude is totally opposite from their wives who tell me, “Mr. Jin, you’ll love having kids” and “you better have them soon or else you’re going to be an old man if you wait any longer”. To which I respond, “I fucking hate kids” while looking right at their children.I guess that’s the good part of being a guy. I get a lot of pressure to settle down and have kids, but I can only imagine how bad it is for women. Stay strong and fight the good fight.BTW, I hate kids that aren’t mine either. Not that I know how much I’d like my own kids, but I’m hoping it’s measurably better than how I feel about other kids that don’t belong to me.I think for women, “misery loves company” and those people who are married with children will not be happy until everyone around them is as miserable as they are.
Just get a pet. It’s the same general idea.
Puppies!
love your commentary! I know what you mean about not having kids! why conform to society of what’s “expected” after marriage?!
I like spaghetti and hamburgers too!R u gonna be one of those crazy cat ladies later on in life?Don’t u want little ones with triangle dresses and rectangle pants!
lol the best! Glad you’re back.. What’s hamburger really think though? Does he agree with you?
Perhaps you should switch from dating burgers to dating hot dogs
Yet another reason why I love you. I really hate how just because I have a uterus, there’s this assumption that I absolutely feel the need to USE it, and that there’s clearly something WRONG with me if I don’t.
Seriously! Old Asian people making it sound like birthing children gets me free burgers my entire life. FALSE.
Discrimination Burger? Nice
what @nimbusthedragon said!!! i’m so happy to know i’m not alone on this! i mean, i know MAYBE. SOMEDAY. IN THE FAR FAR FUTURE, i MIGHT consider. but, you know, in the meantime, i don’t need people bragging about how it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them. i’m happy for them because it’s what they want, but i wouldn’t want it happening to me right now.
I never liked kids; I always think that they are a hassle, dirty, loud, self-fish, inconsiderate, demanding, expensive item. I never babysat, change diaper, or anything with kids. That all change when I became a dad. You have MORE tolerance for other people’s kids, but you will absolutely love your own, despite of any physical or mental fault.The best way to train to be a parent is to have a pet (not a goldfish or beta), preferrably a dog. If you can handle a dog, that’s a good starting point.My only regret is not to have kids at a younger age. They are a handful, and they do take up a lot of resources (time, energy, money) but the reward is incredible. Your dog will never share orange slices with you, or say he loves you, or hug you, or draw something post-modern post-war-era picasso and give that to you.Yes, you can have kids when you’re older (scenerio 3) but do you want people to ask if you’re the grandparent at their high school graduation?What’s your favorite burger joint? We don’t have Old Spaghetti Factory in Dallas (I love that place). We have a knockoff Spaghetti Warehouse.
I’m using reason #2 next time someone asks me about having kids. (thanks!)
My sister has a child and it really sucks for her because she can’t go out as much as she used to. After seeing that I’ve decided the same thing…FUCK NO KIDS. I rather use the money I have to enjoy my life then raising a kid. Let the other 6 billion people in the world do the job of keeping the population up. I’m good.
he just want to have some little hamburgers running around…
There some who cant have kids because they have issues conceiving or like me i had to have a full adominal hysterctomy because I had a virus called sepsis to get both of my ovaries and uterus i was 31 when it happend and felt like bad because all around me I hear why cant you have kids and it pissed me off when I tryed to explain to people why i cant have kids and thier like you can adopt i go no thats not me yes kids are a handfull if thier brats its because thier parents raised them like that I got a 11 year old neice She is ok but at times She is a brat and a only child.Hope you can realize kids will be kids you have that good ones and the bad ones:)
Bahahahaha, love it!
i think you would enjoy this blog Shut The Fuck Up Parents it’s about bashing on new parents who overshare on Facebook… brag, try to make others who dont have kids feel guilty, relate everything back to being a mom… its pretty funny
I totally respect anyone who doesn’t want children. It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person; it just means you don’t feel the need to be a parent. Nothing wrong with that. I’m a mother, and I love my kids, but to be completely honest, I wasn’t ready to have them when I did, and I don’t think anyone ever truly is, even if they think they are. And yes, being a parent will change your life, and yes, it can be rewarding. But it’s also hard as hell. I know this, so I don’t go around telling people, “Oh, having kids is the best thing that ever happened to me! You should try it!”Having kids means giving up at least a part of your sanity. In my case, I didn’t have any left to spare. lol
I died laughing over the burger cartoons. priceless!
LOL, love the drawings! And my left eye is the one without astigmatism too, I found that funny xDMy fiance and I have people asking us pretty frequently when we’re going to have kids. WE’RE ONLY 20. Not even done with college or have our own house yet and people are asking us that! I guess because we both have cousins the same age and younger with kids, and they all have crappy relationships or are single moms and all. I guess our families assume since we actually have a great relationship that means we should be popping out babies! I think I’ll know when that time comes, and it sure as hell won’t be when I’m living with my parents and only working part-time HAHA what is wrong with people, seriously? It’s none of anyone’s business, especially when they put you on the spot asking you in front of other people
Loved this post 
Edit: Oh and I’m not trying to say there is anything wrong with teen moms! My mom was a teen mom, so I wouldn’t be here without her 
Just mean to say it isn’t the families’ right to be asking when you’re having kids, especially when you’re young and haven’t even been considering it or are ready yet lol. Pushy, pushy families.
This post is great! I love the cartoons, lol. =)If someone is ready to have kids, they probably will. My parents had me as teenagers, and I basically grew up with them. I saw how hard it was, I have no desire to have kids until I’m ready (maybe never).
So I’m totally going through all your posts now… and laughing hysterically.