May 30, 2013

• Take this booyah in yo’ face! I’m LACTOSE-TOLERANT, b*tch!

  As someone who is so mediocre I’m even mediocre at mediocrity, the chance to have a take-this-booyah-in-yo’-face-and-then-watch-me-toot-my-own-horn-while-showboating-like-a-pre-2006-NFL-player-who-not-only-just-scored-a-touchdown-but-also-managed-to-do-it-while-delivering-a-random-stranger’s-baby-and-reenacting-that-Pulp-Fiction-scene-where-Samuel-L.-Jackson-quotes-the-Bible-before-blowing-off-that-white-kid’s-face-all-at-the-same-time doesn’t come very often. I could count the number of times I’ve been able to brag about a certain achievement or accolade on just one hand. Narrow the criteria down to just legitimate accomplishments or accolades and I’d only need an amputee’s stump. And by amputee, I mean “ghost” or “fart in the wind.”

  My severe lack of take-this-booyah-in-yo’-face rights has made me so desperate that I’ve had to resort to bragging about all sorts of random sh*t that no one would find impressive, like…

         

  Or…

         

  

  

  OMG…what’s this sh*tty feeling I have? Is it…Is it North Korea?! F*CK!

  Although my overall bragging track record is pretty weak, I think I may have finally discovered something that makes me so incredibly awesome that this one achievement alone will totally obliterate my record of FAIL.

  And here it is:

  

  And another one!

  

  And this was my immediate reaction:

  

  That’s right! I’m part of the rare group of Asians whose asses don’t explode after they drink milk! Don’t even try that “All Asians look the same” butt-sh*t if you don’t recognize me in a room with 9 other Asians when I’m the only one chugging milk.

  

  I’m a hardcore dairy junkie, yo! I gnaw on blocks of cheese for fun, and then wash it all down with what? Melted cheese! Did someone say Lactaid? What the f*ck?! Do I look like I drink bullsh*t? Because Lactaid is the bullsh*t of milk! I only drink milk-milk, foo! That punk-ass lactose enzyme ain’t got sh*t on me because my small intestine’s a motha f*cking lactase-producing machine! When lactose comes all up in there, my small intestine’s all, “B*TCH! This my house!” and then lactase-slaps that f*cker so hard even Mama Lactose feels it!

  No, I’m not going nuts over nothing! Being a lactose-tolerant Asian is a huge deal! I mean, hello! Did you not see the statistics that might’ve come from a questionably-reliable website? We’re just a measly 10% of the Asian population! We’re minorities within the minority! Double minorities! Oh sh*t, you know what else? I’m also bad a math! A lactose-tolerant Asian that sucks at math?! That makes me, like, a freak of nature an endangered species or something, right?

  So of course I’m going to milk (mwaha!) this sh*t for all it’s worth. The second I sense an opportunity to show off my dairy-digesting prowess, I’m taking it hand-over-fist.

  

  

  

  MWAHAHA! WIN!

  • 2:19 pm
  • 12 Comments