September 15, 2006

• I have long been aware that my body parts work together to help me stay alive because they know I am unable to do it on my own. I live on a staple diet of Cheetos and Oreo cookies, I don’t brush my hair, I sleep using my cat’s butt as a pillow, I rarely exercise, etc. etc. I am pretty much a hygiene disaster–thus my organs and parts have achieved identities and souls and are working hard to make me function properly…because if I go, well, they do too.

  I realized this morning that my brain and bladder have made a pact to work as a team in getting me to go to the bathroom while I’m asleep, but without my having to urinate on myself. I guess they are upset because I have a tendency to hold my pee in for as long as possible. But I think the minute it takes me to use the bathroom is a waste of time, and can be put off until later…like when I’m on my way to the kitchen and the bathroom is along the way. I’m not going to get up from my desk or bed or couch to go…unless it’s an emergency…an ”emergency” being where Niagra Falls has escaped the confines of my body and is breaking through Security Level 1 ( = my underwear). 

  But a few years ago this habit of competing against nature’s call got revenge and bum-rushed me with a trip to the hospital for peeing blood. And I’m not talking yellow with tinges of red…it was red all the way, and I was positive I was going to die. (You would too if you peed blood and you weren’t even on your period…besides, those aren’t the same orifices.)

  Turns out I had a serious urinary tract infection, and the bacteria had eaten away the linings of my bladder. Those bastard bacteria. Couldn’t they go talk to the yeast cells instead? I’d rather have a yeast infection instead of blood pee any day…because I’m really curious to know if the those one-day treatments actually work.

  Anyway, I’m guessing since that incident my brain and bladder have taken the initiative to take me to the bathroom. Nowadays I go whenever I have to, but that’s when I’m awake…when I’m asleep is a different issue.

  But last night and this morning I had three dreams where I really had to go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t find one anywhere. I don’t remember the first two dreams, but I do remember waking up and realizing that I was nearing emergency status. The third dream I had was of me driving to a supermarket at 10:00 PM, finding out they were closed, and going straight for their women’s room. But the stalls were taken, and as it was nearing my turn a supermarket employee ushered in some elderly men and women and told them to go ahead and use the open stalls. They had priority because they were handicapped or something…anyway, there must have been a million elderly people because no stalls were available and at some point I woke up.

  Had a stall been available in my dream, I think I would have peed in bed. The funny thing is that in all three of my dreams a bathroom was never available for me to use–which leads me to believe that my brain purposely manipulated the dreams so that I would never have a toilet to use even though I really had to go. And as my brain was feeding me these crazy visions, my bladder was sending me those uncomfortable “time to go” notices. My brain and bladder are awesome.

  

  Brain and Bladder Signing a Contract….

  I know that a real bladder doesn’t look like a tear drop, but I didn’t want to do any research.

   

  • 3:19 pm
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