http://absolutangel64.com/

 

Huge thanks to everyone who tuned in to @Roadlesstaken‘s July 10th radio show, as well as those of you who listened to the podcast! I meant to say this earlier, but I had to leave town to attend a friend’s wedding right afterwards and ended up getting sick while I was away (I wonder if that was life’s way of punishing me for not expressing my gratitude sooner…hmm…). You guys were in my heart the whole time though (as always), and the support you showed by listening to the broadcast is just further proof that the bonds which hold us Xangans together are the strongest ones you could ever make.

If you haven’t listened to the show, however–what the f*ck are you waiting for?! The royal baby?!

I’m kidding, of course! But all joking aside, if you want to hear what you missed, click on the picture and you’ll be redirected to the podcast on Roadlesstaken’s site.

Yes, the road with one lone car is supposed to be @Roadlesstaken. And yes, I drew @Nimbusthedragon as a smiling Dragon Ball riding a nimbus cloud (because I can’t draw dragons for sh*t).

I had a ton of fun doing the show, and have to give a huge props to @Roadlesstaken for keeping the conversation fresh and lively. I mean, seriously, the guy’s got impeccable hosting skills. I could feel myself sliding into a nervous silence several times, but he kept me afloat by asking really good questions and adding his own input onto the stuff that was said. And honestly, he’s probably the best source for information and updates on what’s going on with Xanga. I literally learned more about the 2.0 clusterf*ck in the one hour I spent on the phone with him and @Nimbusthedragon than I had from Xanga itself. What the f*ck is up with that, X-Team?!

Oooh, speaking of @Nimbusthedragon–I had, like, an O-face every time she spoke because (1) she was unapologetically honest about her feelings regarding the Xanga situation, and (2) she said it all with a hot-ass accent. Just thinking about it makes me want to ditch everything and move to Canada so I can spend the rest of my days shadowing her all ninja-like.

 

All in all, it was one of the most interesting experiences I’ve ever had, and hope it was as enjoyable for you as it was for me. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, then click on the picture and find out!

Click on it! You know you want to!

Be right back! Going to finish my new post…and no, it won’t be able the royal baby.

Just in case you guys haven’t already marked your calendars, @Nimbusthedragon and I will be guests on @Roadlesstaken‘s radio show today at 8:00 p.m. EST (5:00 p.m. PST)! The link to the broadcast can be found here.

I’m really excited about it, but I’m also super nervous–which is, like, really, really bad because when I’m nervous, my brain loses all ability to form complete, coherent thoughts. And as many of you know by now, whenever that happens, I end up doing a lot of this:

And not for a few split seconds either. I’m talking about neuro-flatulence-induced “Uhhhhhs” that can last minutes, people. Minutes.

I’ve got roughly 6 hours to get in the no-fart zone, so I think I’ll be okay…unless I get the one question I’ve always dreaded having to answer. Seriously, nothing good has ever, ever come out of my mouth whenever I’ve been asked this:

Oh gawd, no! Not the “tell me a little about yourself” question! Nooooo!

If you’re thinking something along the lines of, “That’s an easy one! What the hell are you freaking out over?” it’s because you have a personality. I, on the other hand, have about as much charisma as a shriveled doot (sorry, doots of the world). The fact that I don’t have much of a life doesn’t help much either.

So if you’re going to be tuning in–and I hope you do because @Nimbusthedragon and @Roadlesstaken are interesting people worth listening to–expect something like this to happen in the likely event that I’m asked to say a little something about myself:

First, I’ll get flustered…

And then I’ll do two straight minutes of “Uhhhhhh” as I try to come up with something to talk about:

If I’m lucky I’ll manage to scrape a thought together, and will spew it out without thinking:

And then I’ll immediately go into I-can’t-believe-I-just-said-that mode, while @Roadlesstaken and @Nimbusthedragon are stuck with the thankless task of trying to transition your attention far, far away from the mouth diarrhea I just vomited…

The other possible result would be that I actually manage to find something to say about myself, but it’s something really, really dumb:

And then I’ll have to commit to it and deny all the rest of the STDs because if I don’t, it might imply that something is ravaging my va-jay-jay…

 

And that will set off a train wreck…

And when I finally realize I’ve been digging myself into a grave of sh*t, it’ll be way too late:

…And then poor @Nimbusthedragon and @Roadlesstaken will have the horrendous task of covering for me as I drown in a pit of my own mouth diarrhea… *sigh*

Anyway! I hope you guys will tune in! It’ll be a ton of fun! 

The odds that Xanga is going to survive past July 15, 2013 don’t look so hot right now. I mean, they aren’t terrible to the point where all hope is lost, but the Crowdhoster campaign is still down $23K and there are only nine days left to go before the deadline. I’m all about miracles, but I’m not sure there’s enough Hunan chicken or Vitamin Water in the world that’s going to make that pit go away in time. Just ask the Xangans who’ve recently moved their sites—a number of whom have called this place their blogging home for years, and would never have left had it not been for these extreme circumstances.

Given the somewhat unsexy outlook, I’ve set up a backup blog on Wor….Wo—f*ck! I can’t even say it without throwing up in my mouth! Argh! Just…just go here to find my backup site:

http://absolutangel64.com/

You’ll notice that I’m in the process of reposting all of my stuff over there, but the Dashboard is a f*cking pile of sh*t that isn’t nearly as user-friendly as Xanga’s, so things have been moving slower than I’d like. Then again, I haven’t exactly been motivated about tackling the learning curve to begin with because I’m still holding onto hope that our beloved Xanga will make it to July 16th and beyond.

To say that I was devastated when I learned about Xanga’s possible end would be an understatement. It felt more like a part of my heart had imploded, and I spent the next few days in and out of an emotional sh*t zone. “Dramatic much?” F*ck no, and f*ck you for thinking so. This wonderful community has been a part of my life ever since I joined back in 2003, and it has been there for me for the past 10 years. It was only on Xanga that I felt the most freedom to just be me without remorse, and say all the sh*t I wanted to say, exactly the way I wanted to say it. I guess writing was my escape and Xanga was my safe haven…

Having the chance to make my own creative space was more than enough of a reward, but to be able to meet so many of you awesome fellow Xangans along the way is a gift I have always treasured and will forever be grateful for. There are simply no words or Paint illustrations that will ever be able to accurately express how much your years of support has meant to me, or how insanely indebted I am to you guys for not only helping me become a better writer, but also a better person. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, even though we may only exist in each other’s lives as text on a webpage, the connections I’ve made with you all are very real and very important to me. I mean, some of my longest friendships were made right here! Pretty crazy, right? But that’s always been the beautiful part about Xanga.

Writing may have been an escape and Xanga my safe haven, but it was ultimately you guys who made it into my home. And I’ve come to realize that what made the news of Xanga’s Doomsday so devastating for me wasn’t so much the loss of the forum itself (although it definitely factors into it), but the loss of a community—no, a family—that I genuinely love and cherish.

I’m all about keeping families together, so if Xanga does come to a end, I really, really hope we’ll still keep in touch! You know where to find me, right?

Oh, and I’m going to be a guest along with @Nimbusthedragon on @Roadlesstaken’s radio show on Wednesday, July 10th, at 8:00 p.m. EST! I was supposed to be on last week, but had to reschedule because I was busy getting my ass handed to me on a plate made of ass. ARGH! The memories!

Anyway, do check out Roadlesstaken’s website! He’s posted a list of upcoming guests, as well as podcasts of past shows for you to enjoy. And don’t forget to tune in on July 10th at 5:00 p.m. EST, okay? You’ll actually be able to call into the show during the live broadcast, so I hope you make use of that because I’m dying to know what you guys sound like! It’s going to be awesome!

No matter what happens, our hearts will always be as Xangans.  

More soon,

Sylvia

 

As someone who is so mediocre I’m even mediocre at mediocrity, the chance to have a take-this-booyah-in-yo’-face-and-then-watch-me-toot-my-own-horn-while-showboating-like-a-pre-2006-NFL-player-who-not-only-just-scored-a-touchdown-but-also-managed-to-do-it-while-delivering-a-random-stranger’s-baby-and-reenacting-that-Pulp-Fiction-scene-where-Samuel-L.-Jackson-quotes-the-Bible-before-blowing-off-that-white-kid’s-face-all-at-the-same-time doesn’t come very often. I could count the number of times I’ve been able to brag about a certain achievement or accolade on just one hand. Narrow the criteria down to just legitimate accomplishments or accolades and I’d only need an amputee’s stump. And by amputee, I mean “ghost” or “fart in the wind.”

My severe lack of take-this-booyah-in-yo’-face rights has made me so desperate that I’ve had to resort to bragging about all sorts of random sh*t that no one would find impressive, like…

       

Or…

       

OMG…what’s this sh*tty feeling I have? Is it…Is it North Korea?! F*CK!

Although my overall bragging track record is pretty weak, I think I may have finally discovered something that makes me so incredibly awesome that this one achievement alone will totally obliterate my record of FAIL.

And here it is:

And another one!

And this was my immediate reaction:

That’s right! I’m part of the rare group of Asians whose asses don’t explode after they drink milk! Don’t even try that “All Asians look the same” butt-sh*t if you don’t recognize me in a room with 9 other Asians when I’m the only one chugging milk.

I’m a hardcore dairy junkie, yo! I gnaw on blocks of cheese for fun, and then wash it all down with what? Melted cheese! Did someone say Lactaid? What the f*ck?! Do I look like I drink bullsh*t? Because Lactaid is the bullsh*t of milk! I only drink milk-milk, foo! That punk-ass lactose enzyme ain’t got sh*t on me because my small intestine’s a motha f*cking lactase-producing machine! When lactose comes all up in there, my small intestine’s all, “B*TCH! This my house!” and then lactase-slaps that f*cker so hard even Mama Lactose feels it!

No, I’m not going nuts over nothing! Being a lactose-tolerant Asian is a huge deal! I mean, hello! Did you not see the statistics that might’ve come from a questionably-reliable website? We’re just a measly 10% of the Asian population! We’re minorities within the minority! Double minorities! Oh sh*t, you know what else? I’m also bad a math! A lactose-tolerant Asian that sucks at math?! That makes me, like, a freak of nature an endangered species or something, right?

So of course I’m going to milk (mwaha!) this sh*t for all it’s worth. The second I sense an opportunity to show off my dairy-digesting prowess, I’m taking it hand-over-fist.

MWAHAHA! WIN!

Hey Facebook! I know you’re busy trying to break into the cell phone market, but could you please divert some time into making this happen first?

GAWD DAMN! I need this button badly. Just thinking about it is enough to make me pee and poop myself silly with glee. My productivity would go down, but my Facebook usage would go way up because I’d be on it 24/7 and partying like an awesomely awesome passive-aggressive Facebook-hater-drunk-on-Haterade of awesomeoness!

And I already know which posts I would use it on most.

Sick-Baby Posts

I can’t draw, so you’re going to have to imagine the black tornado of death is a picture of a sick baby.

I hate these…Well no, sorry, I don’t hate them. What I feel is actually worse than hate, but there isn’t a word to describe it so I’ll just go with hate^hate. That’s right: hate to the power of hate. And what’s not to hate^hate, people? Some asshat got a picture of a sick and/or dying baby that has a breathing tube in its mouth (cleft lip), an IV in its right arm (left one was amputated), and is surrounded by ominous-looking monitors and medical equipment.

Freakin’ Stevie Wonder could look at that picture and would know immediately that the poor kid needs a doctor or two. I mean, it’s not like there’s anything in there that screams, “The spring of eternal life is here!” You can’t help but feel sympathy for the little guy, and you’re going to at least hope he gets the care he needs.

But then you read the next sentence and your hopes are trampled by a herd of rabid wildebeests…

 

And then some sort of bullsh*t quote is thrown in at the end because the poster really wants to sound deep and thoughtful, and not like the attention-hungry douchebag he really is.

Oooh! Three exclamation marks? Now I’m even more inspired…

…To tell you to F*CK OFF!!!

First of all, if you’re going to rely on these types of posts to get “Likes” then you might as well just say, “Please ‘Like’ my post because I need copious amounts of attention to validate my existence.” That’s the message the Sick-Baby Post gives off anyway, but at least you’re upfront about your douchebaggery. I’d actually be more likely to “Like” the upfront post because I find honesty refreshing.

Secondly, how retarded are you for thinking the rest of us are so retarded that we can’t see through the sheet o’ sh*t you’re trying to pull?

No, really, how the hell would this scenario make any sense?

And this scenario doesn’t make sense either!

Who the f*ck is this doctor? Dr. Pepper? Doc Martens? Oops…almost got caught being a motherf*cker who forgot about (Dr.) Dre!

No one is buying your sorry excuse for altruism, dumb ass, so either post something worthy of the “Likes” you so desperately need to survive or F*CK OFF!

TIRED-ASS QUOTES

I’d probably be a lot more receptive to Tired-Ass Quote posts if the quotes weren’t so tired-ass, i.e., they weren’t the same ones that were already posted millions of times over. Seriously, if you built your world around Facebook, you’d think the Bible only consisted of the book of Genesis, ten Psalms, and pages with nothing but one-liners or “Moses” written all over the place. You’d also believe Gandhi was the only person who ever said anything inspirational, and that Romeo and Juliet was Shakespeare’s only play. Another way to put it: If you played a drinking game where you took a shot of Mike’s Hard Lemonade every time someone posted a tired-ass quote between the hours of 8 a.m. and 9 a.m., you would die of alcohol poisoning. Alcohol poisoning from Mike’s Hard Lemonade, people, a beverage in which the only thing hard about it is the bottle it came in!

You know what quotes I’d like to see? Engrish ones—like, the really bad, doesn’t-make-any-sense English that’s haphazardly thrown onto Asian products. The best ones I’ve ever come across were on fireworks labels. Don’t tell you me you wouldn’t be all over my page-nuts if I put up something like this:

Get some new quotes or F*CK OFF!

Honorable Mention: “So True!” Comments on Tired-Ass Quote Posts

It’s only two words, but it’s still tired as hell…and that’s “So true!”

PICTURES OF FOOD

No one gives a sh*t about what you’re eating, so spare us the photos of your breakfast sandwich, the apple you had for lunch (especially if you’ve got some pathetic caption like, “My sad-ass lunch! ” because if you can work a cell phone, you can grab something to go along with that apple, okay?), the candy you had as a snack, and whatever the hell else you ate throughout the day. No one gives a sh*t about what you’re eating, period.

The only time someone might remotely give a sh*t is if you’re eating an ice cream sundae made of Chupacabra blood and has Tyrion Lannisters dancing on top of it because (1) who wouldn’t love some Tyrion Lannister on ice cream? No one, obviously, and (2) that would be a f*cked up sundae that most people have probably never seen before (unless they live near a Mexican drug town).

But the ice cream sundae you posted a picture of isn’t made of Chupacabra blood, is it? And it doesn’t look like there are any Tyrion Lannisters dancing on top of it, does it? No, it’s just regular ice cream topped with some sort of regular syrup, regular nuts, regular whipped cream and a regular cherry—i.e., the same f*cking sundae everyone else has seen many times before.

I get it. Some people may be thinking “But this sundae was huge!” or “This is how they do sundaes in Vegas!”—but to them I say, “F*CK OFF!” No Chupacabra blood ice cream + no dancing Tyrion Lannisters = no giving a sh*t!

       

*sigh* The dream that Facebook might let us have a F*CK OFF button is one that will never come true, so I guess I’m going to have to rely on the next best thing:

 ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

 Ugh…it’s just not the same…

 

I think I’ve been pretty vocal about not wanting to have kids anytime soon, but in case I haven’t already said enough, here’s the rundown on where I am in terms of motherhood and maternity: I want kids like I want AIDS. That sounds pretty mean, but it’s a response that tends to get my point across while also killing off the follow-up question “Why not?” before it can even be asked. And you know that one’s coming if you say anything along the lines of “I don’t want children right now” because for some reason, people with kids will interpret that as “I want children right now, I just don’t know it.”

The worst offenders are parents who are within your age group because they seem to be most interested in making sure everyone who is about as old as they are has at least one child. Seriously, they are the worst. I don’t know what it is, but they’re always like, “Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done,” and then they get really door-to-door religious-salespeople on your ass and try to convince their childfree friends to join their cult.

Count me out. I just took my do-I-want-kids litmus test and the results came back a resounding “HELL NO”… By “litmus test” I mean “I met my cousin’s one year-old daughter,” and by “HELL NO” I mean “I would rather drive a rusty nail through my left eyeball than spend another second with that.” And my left eye is the one that doesn’t have astigmatism! Yes, it’s the good eye!

But I’m not kidding when I say this: My cousin’s kid was a freakin’ monster. She was super demanding, always trying to grab at things and throwing awful screaming fits whenever she couldn’t get her way. It was a nightmare being around her. And this little girl is related to me by blood, people, by blood! So I went in already liking her just by virtue of our family ties–and yet she still managed to not only make me dislike her, but also dislike the prospect of having children of my own.

Seeing as how I can’t stand kids I’m actually related to, I take that as a sign that I’m not ready to be a parent. It’s going to come up eventually, though. That’s usually the way things work after marriage, right? Great…

I’ve got a few ways of handling it though…kind of like conversational ninjutsu that lets you say “yuck” without actually saying “yuck.”

THE CONVERSATION

I imagine it will start out like this…

(Yes, I drew him as a hamburger and not a half-assed stick figure. Why? Because I love hamburgers!)

Strategy 1: Wait it out and then answer the question you would’ve preferred to have been asked instead.

Strategy 2: Get all social issue-y and then bust out  the Discrimination Card.

 

Strategy 3: When in doubt, there’s always Halle Berry.

 

BWA HAHAHAHA! WIN (?)!

       

       

       

       

       

       

               

               

               

       

Which I guess could be the same thing…?