December 17, 2006

• Who’s Moved to Loserville During 2006?

      I know 2006 has a few days left before it ends (13 days, 11 hours, and 19 minutes, standard Hawaii time, to be precise), but I think now would be a good time to reflect on some of the notable personalities that broke out over the past 12 months, garnering all sorts of fame and notoriety for being perfect examples of what to do if you want to ruin your life. These infamous individuals have resumes built from sin and shame, with objectives and achievements that are offensive enough that we are both disgusted and amused. And while Hollywood has celebrities, Loserville has these few unlucky individuals whose slow downfall into Sponge Bob Square Pants’ domain has been relished by us all.
  

  New Residents of Loserville 2006
  

    Ted Haggard: If you are like me, purposely ig’nant of current events, then you wouldn’t have known who this man was until around November 2006. But when you learned about him, I bet you probably couldn’t wait to hear how his drama was going to unfold.

      Ted Haggard is–no, correction, was–best known for his work in the Evangelical circuit. He had founded the New Life Church back in the 1980s from his basement (which now has about 14,000 members), and worked his way into becoming one of the most prominent religious figures in the country. He took part in White House conference calls, was president of the National Association of Evangelicals, was named one of Time Magazine’s “Most Influential People,” and was famous for his staunch stance on banning same-sex marriage.

      Too bad this made a certain Mike Jones (no, not the rapper), upset. Mike Jones, you see, was a [former] gay prostitute/masseuse who claimed to have had sex with Ted Haggard for 3 years. He claimed that Haggard, using the alias “Art”–which doesn’t really do much to hide his identity since his middle name is “Arthur”–would call and leave messages asking for sex and crystal meth. When Jones “discovered” one day that Haggard was a religious leader who was actively opposing same-sex marriage, he decided to inform the public that Haggard was nothing more than a homosexual man who was using religion as his closet.

      And it kind of went downhill from there: Haggard at first denied the allegations, then admitted that he did call Jones, but only for massages and not sex, and that he did buy meth from him but threw it away because he realized that drugs were bad, mmmkay? Finally, he was fired from the very church that he had founded after an independent investigation found him guilty of  “immoral sexual misconduct.”

      With all that said, you can see why the Ted Haggard is no longer a man of the cloth (or whatever fabric Evangelicals refer to)–he is now a man of Loserville.

  Senator Mark Foley (R-FL): He had been on the House of Representatives for 11 years, served as chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, and introduced a bill in 2002 that would make it illegal for websites to have sexually suggestive images of children. His position to change federal sex offender laws was supported by victims’ rights groups such as the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and also John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. Having done all this and more in the fight against child pornography and sexual predators, it turned out that Foley himself would have been prosecuted under the bills he had tried to get enacted. In September 2006, it was reported that Foley had been sending “sexually explicit” instant messages and emails to a 16 year-old boy who was taking part in the United State House of Representatives Page Program–which is basically an opportunity for high school boys to be secretaries.  (Sidebar: Young boys as secretaries? That’s pedophile fodder right there.) In October, Foley checked into rehab for alcoholism and issued a statement that his behavior was the result of alcohol abuse, his homosexuality, and a childhood experience where he had been sexually assault by a clergyman.

      Honestly, can you think of anything less original than “alcoholism” and “touched by a priest”? That’s probably every pedophile’s Golden Rule: Do to children what you can get the public to excuse under the cover of drinking and perverted religious figures. And I’ve watched NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” series long enough to know that Foley’s excuses are not enough to protect him from the stigma of being a child predator–or from being Loserville’s newest resident (he and Ted Haggard are roommates.)

  Terrell Owens: Most of you probably are not surprised that Terrell Owens moved to Loserville–but I am! I have neither the interest to play sports or watch it on television. I am completely, and happily, retarded when it comes to athletics. Despite all that ig’nance, I do know who Terrell Owens is–and any sports player that makes me aware of his existence means he’s not a famous sports person…he’s a Drama Queen.

      From what little I know of him, Owens is apparently a talented football player–but I am not going describe his skills because, as I said, I have no sports knowledge and whatever I type about him will probably sound stupid or even be incorrect. So I will not go there to protect my perfect image (laughing hysterically).

      Now, I only know him from that Desperate Housewives commercial he did in 2004 (which, by the way, I don’t see the controversy in it because it involves old ass Nicolette Sheridan and can’t-act-for-crap Terrell Owens), but apparently he’s been a problem for the football teams he played for: he did not get along with the team quarterback, Jeff Garcia, or his head coach Steve Mariucci, then he went on to play for the Philadelphia Eagles in 2004, during which he criticized one of him teammates, Donovan McNabb, and again did not get along with the team’s upper management. In 2005 he wanted to renegotiate his $49 million, 7-year contract, and when no agreement was reached, he threatened not to participate in training camp. Then he was suspended for 4 weeks for arguing with the head coach, then suspended for 4 games because he wouldn’t shut up, and finally he was “deactivated” for the rest of the season. Two years after he had signed with the Eagles, he was released from the contract and signed to play for the Dallas Cowboys in 2006.

      Okay wait, there is more–probably a lot more than I even wrote up there, but to include it all would be turn my entry into a Terrell Owens biography or something. In 2006 Owens had reportedly tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pain medication–but he has denied that he tried to kill himself, instead preferring the public to believe the incident was some sort of allergic reaction.

      I don’t know what Terrell Owens is going to be in the news for next (today’s MSN sports headlines says something about a spitting situation), but I predict he’ll be playing for the Loserville Whiners soon.

  John Mark Karr: There are very few things in this world that can be considered worse than killer pedophiles–but one such exception is the pretend killer pedophilia. Yes, that exists–because of John Mark Karr. 10 years after the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, this random man teaching children in Thailand ends up confessing to the crime and is extradited in first a class plane seat to the United States. Commence media frenzy and talking heads on every cable news network to begin analyzing and debating Karr’s past and personality, and whether he could actually be the murderer. But, after he is questioned and investigated, it turns out that he was not the killer because the details in his confession did not match the details found in the crime scene. Instead, Karr is just some nobody who was obsessed with the JonBenet murder, and fantasized that he was the actual killer. When that case fell through, the California court system decided to try him for a 2001 charge for possessing child pornography on his computer (which was the reason why he had fled off to Thailand)–and then that case fell through because the Sheriff’s department had trashed the computer. Whoops.

      John Mark Karr gets to move into Loserville because all other regular residential areas do not deserve to have a crazy ass who lies about raping and murdering a child. His shack is far away from Tom Foley’s because he thinks he is at risk of being prosecuted under Foley’s proposed anti-child pornography bills–when really it is more likely that he will be arrested for being pasty.

  Britney Spears Version 2004-Current: Finally! A female! Despite what appearances, I’m not purposely picking on men in this entry–it was just coincidence that most of this year’s recipients of Loserville’s Welcome Wagon were men. However, women sometimes falter and end up rolling down a hill, into crevasse filled with dried out feces, and poor Britney Spears Version 2004-Current is a woman corned (Get it? Feces? Corn?)

      Now, I say “2004-Current” because I view the Britney Spears of the past as an entirely different person than the Britney Spears of today. While I was never much of a fan, I could understand how she was appealing to men and women back in the day–which is nothing to hold against her. What woman doesn’t want perfect abs cemented on her body? However, she has since transformed into a Jubba-like mass over the past two years, and seems to be having trouble remembering to wear underwear while in the midst of divorce and child custody proceedings with her douche-bag ex-husband/cash siphon, Kevin Federline.

      Putting Britney up on the list was a no-brainer, even though my first instinct was to list Kevin Federline instead because he could be the Governor of Loserville if he wanted. But, I think we all have to remember that while K-Fed was the ultimate waste of skin who failed at everything, he did so while spending Britney’s money. He didn’t have to put up anything to go from Start to Nowhere–it was all his wife’s cash, and she let him spend it. So I can’t really hate on a douche bag when the root of the problem is an unfresh vagina.

      And honestly, if you’re fighting for custody of your children, the last thing you want to do is be photographed with an exposed birthing hole. Then again, her children probably hid you underwear so that child services would place them in a more stable environment.

  Brett Ratner: He may have directed the Rush Hour films, and he may have worked with Jackie Chan–who I find super terrific–but that does not mean he didn’t butcher the X-Men franchise with The Last Stand. Brett Ratner directed the third and final X-Men movie which came out this year because the original director of installments one and two, Bryan Singer, decided to take on Superman: Returns instead. My opinion of this announcement back before the movie was released was that directors direct, actors act, writers write, etc., and no one crossed-over into other positions. Thus, if stupidly believed that as long as most of the components that made X-Men 1 and 2 good were still in place, X-Men 3 should have no problem.

      But I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Very wrong. Some sort of disaster must have happened during production because X-Men 3 was terrible. And I say that as someone who loved the FOX cartoons back in the day and who thoroughly enjoyed the first two movies–my loyalty is deep (ask my Sony Playstations) and it takes a lot for me to say anything that would contradict this loyalty. And by “a lot” I mean Angel, a random Sentinel, cutting out Cyclops, suddenly making Shadow Cat and Colossus members of the X-Men for no reason, a human/porcupine hybrid, Calisto, and turning Rogue into a feminist’s nightmare.

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      The list doesn’t end here–but my focus does. Stay tuned for Part II (if I feel like it)!

  • 6:13 pm
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