October 27, 2007

• Coolness Lesson #7491: The Open Letter

  The new hip-and-with-it trend in communication nowadays is the Open Letter. Unlike plain, ol' boring letters--which you would compose on a piece of paper with a writing instrument, fold it up, put it in an envelope, spit on the nasty glue to seal it shut, address the front of the envelope, affix $1.00 worth of stamps because you've lost track of how much postage costs and it's better to be safe than sorry after all the trouble you've gone through, put it in a mailbox, and then have it delivered to your recipient a few days later--Open Letters are simply typed up on a computer and posted on a website for the recipient to read...along with the rest of the online community.

  (Can I get an award for Run-On Sentence of the Day? Because that up there was cash money.)

  I know some of you uncool folk are all, "that's really dumb; you're so lame, Sylvia, for thinking it's trendy," but that kind of thinking is exactly why I teach Coolness Lessons and you don't. Open Letters are totally hot because celebrities like Roseanne Barr, Candy Spelling, the guy who produces "Girls Gone Wild", and Adrianne Curry have all done it--and these aren't just A-list celebrities, my friends, these are F-List icons. And they are at the top of the Stardom List--if you turn it upside-down, of course.

  And why not use the Open Letter viewable by all instead of the regular letter viewable by only one? I think it makes a lot of sense, considering the dangers involved with traditional letters. I mean, what if you sent it to the wrong address and had it returned to you? That $1.00 worth of stamps would be wasted, and then you'd have to use another $1.00 to send the letter to the correct address--which might turn out to be another wrong address! And then you'd end up in a vicious cycle of trying to send the damn letter out over and over again--you could easily spend one million dollars on stamps!

  It's even more dangerous for famous people. Like, what if Roseanne wrote Britney Spears a personal letter in which she scolded her for being a horrible mother who was no better than a crack whore on the street, and the media got its hands on it? The letter would be published in various credible news sources, like Star Magazine, for millions of people to read. This would be worse than if Roseanne just posted the letter on her blog, which is only viewed by 3 people--one of whom is probably Britney Spears, right? Otherwise, how would she ever know Roseanne wrote her a letter? You mean she wouldn't and this is all just a cheap publicity stunt? No, no--you just go to Hell! Roseanne doesn't need a publicity stunt because she's too famous for that! She's known for...hmm...oh! she does that cooking show on Food Network...wait, no, that's Rachel Ray...

  In any event, Open Letters are the way to go if you want anyone to hear you out. Chances are it will be read by someone who knows someone, who knows someone, who kind of knows someone...(100 "who knows someone's" later) who knows the person you wrote to and will let him or her know about it. That's not just effective communication, people, that's effectively ineffectively cool.

  Since I am on top of trends, I wrote my own Open Letter so you can see coolness in action. Check it out!

  Dear Ronald McDonald:

  You are being completely unfair by refusing to put me in your next commercial even though I've been whoring myself to you like you asked. You said it would be hot if I dressed up as a sexy Grimace and sat on your lap while you watched Fry Guy porn, so I did. You said that I should toss your new line of salads while singing the "I'm Lovin' It" song, and I did that too. And when you told me you wanted me to milkshake wrestle all the McNugget buddies wearing nothing but burger patties and a leaf of iceberg lettuce, I did that without complaint and I even won because I accidentally ate the buddies. You know you owe me, Ronnie, and I am going to collect or else I will show everyone the video tape of you, the King, and Jack having a threesome. That's right, I saw it on your sesame bun table and I took it. It was me!

  So don't bother trying to give me anymore Happy Meal toys because I only pretended to like them, and I don't want anymore Monopoly stickers because the "free hamburger" sticker doesn't even include the Angus burgers! Don't clown me anymore, clown, or you're going to be sorry.

  Sylvia

  • 7:27 pm
  • 6 Comments