November 8, 2007

• Pass the Doodie on the Left Hand Side

  I have heard of natural highs, but this is just ridiculous.

  A Florida county sheriff’s office released a bulletin about a new drug that is possibly the newest trend for teenage junkies. The drug, known as “Jenkem”, is a homemade inhalant that can cause a “euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past” (that must mean you will begin seeing ye olde jousts and medieval fanfare). The potential threat that the drug will gain popularity has caused some police departments to begin training their officers to recognize it.

  Not sure what this training involves, but personally I don’t think I need a course on detecting Jenkem–not just because I’m a genius with so much brain power that Mensa refuses to grant me membership because my superior intelligence has the tendency to turn its current members into piles of dust (hence why Asia Carrera no longer does porn…and you thought she retired). Actually, I’ll know what it is because…

  Jenkem is doodoo and piss. Yes, doodoo and piss. No really, DOODOO AND PISS.

  …Seriously…that’s what it is.

  According to the aforementioned bulletin:

  Jenkem is a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a summer area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon.

  I might be saying this because I have never done drugs and therefore cannot understand the desire to get high, but the day you resort to sniffing a crap and pee cocktail is the day you should kill yourself. At that point, rehab is not going to save you and there is no way people are going to be able to look at you as anyone other than “that dude who took a hit from an ass bong.”

  Now although there are rumors that this is all just a hoax, let’s assume it’s real because otherwise my entry is pointless. How would a kid try to get his friend into it? In those old school commercials, the bad kid holds up a joint and asks the good kid “want a hit?” Now take that exact same commercial, but imagine the bad kid holding up a peanut butter jar full of week-old diarrhea. [Dialogue time!]

                  BAD KID: Want a hit?

                  GOOD KID: What the f*ck is that?

                  BAD KID: It’s Jenkem, yo.

                  GOOD KID: Umm…isn’t that just old sh*t?

                  BAD KID: Yeah, but it’s called Jenkem. All the cool kids are doing it.

                  GOOD KID: But it’s old sh*t! It came out of your butt!

                  BAD KID: Dude, it makes you high.

                  GOOD KID: Do you have a joint? Crack? Something, anything, besides what you’re holding right now?!

  Honestly, I don’t get it. Is gasoline not doing it for kids anymore? Are prices on cough syrup getting out of hand? What the hell happened that suddenly made poop the alternative to spray paint?

  You know what’s next after this? Snorting maggoty, mad cow beef and smoking pubic hairs covered in crabs.

  • 6:02 pm
  • 7 Comments