February 27, 2008

• There is probably no such thing as “proper blogging”, but there should be because some people are seriously abusing the literate community with their noxious brain waste! Those whose blogs make us regret learning how to read are usually punished by getting beat down with rubber hoses, but since I don’t have time to hunt them down I’m just going to have to do the next best thing: educate the masses on what I believe is good blogging behavior! *cue “O Fortuna”* Naturally, I’m sure some of you are wondering what makes me the proper authority to dictate such rules. My answer: I have a tree growing out of my ass, with the words “blogging etiquette” carved into the bark…A.K.A. I have no authority.

  Lesson 1: Profile Pictures

  The profile picture is an important part of a person’s profile. It’s the first thing visitors use to decide whether or not you’re worth their time. Depending on how you want to manipulate the system, you can either put up a picture that summarizes your blogging style, or put up a picture that contradicts it so much that people start to question your identity. My own profile picture seems to fall into the latter category because I always get asked (1) if I’m an ugly ass using someone else’s pictures, or (2) if I’m really a dude who has been impersonating a girl for the past 4 years. I will be addressing those questions later–but until then, you can all wonder if I’m really a leathery swamp monster with a penis.

  Considering the importance of the profile picture, it’s not surprising that many people will use their best photos. However, this may be difficult for those of you who aren’t necessarily photogenic or have a lot of pictures of yourselves to begin with. Under those circumstances, you will have to make do by taking a picture of yourself–which is not an easy feat because you’re basically guessing where to hold the camera or how to angle your face. The process takes way too long and isn’t worth the effort.

  To get around these difficulties, many people have resorted to standing in front of a mirror and taking a picture of their reflections with their cell phones. With this method, they can see how they look on the screen and determine where to hold the camera and which side of their faces they like better. Such creativity deserves praise–except that the pictures all look like sh*t:

  

  When I see pictures like these, I get the impression that you are not only a waste of time, but a waste of skin. These are, by far, the worst profile pictures ever! It’s got nothing to do with the quality; they are terrible only because the flaws could have easily been avoided if you had thought about it a little. You just needed to face your phone screens towards the mirror instead. Yes, I know this means the lens will be facing you, but shut the f*ck up, dumb ass! The mirror will reflect the image on the camera, so you can still make adjustments before you take the picture.  

  

  See? With this method, there is no weird flash thing or wayward eyes! Don’t know if it will help with the graininess though…hey, I’m not a miracle worker!

  • 8:41 pm
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