March 13, 2008
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Girlfriend Uglification
I used to think I had game, but that was until someone informed me that "your ass is grass" is not an effective pickup line, even when coupled with the Roger Rabbit or the Electric Slide. Wish I knew this before I spent 6 hours studying "Bring It On." Now what am I supposed to do with my awesome Jazz Hands skills?
Being unable to charm my way into a guy's heart without looking like a desperate loser or creepy pervert, I've had to rely on traditional methods--not the one where you knock guys out with a club because that just makes them angry when they regain consciousness. I'm talking about that other traditional method: good, old fashioned hotness. It's way more tedious, but at least I won't get sued again!
I work my physical appearance the way everyone else does: nice clothes and makeup. I might even take a shower if I'm really determined to meet someone. I generally enjoy making the most of my looks even when I'm not prowling for man meat, because I don't get to do it very often. Outside of school and the once-in-a-lifetime social outing, I remain indoors in my true form: wrinkly old bag. So it's really a treat to be made up; meeting a guy is actually just an added perk.
When I am able to trap a guy, the dating part is always pretty fun. It's when we advance to boyfriend-girlfriend status that things get complicated. The transition is automatic and always, always, starts with a request for me to stop being hot. Even though my appearance is what brought us together in the first place, the first thing most of my boyfriends have tried to do was get me to stop taking care of myself. I call it "Girlfriend Uglification."
Girlfriend Uglification is practiced by douchie guys who believe they are unable to keep their girlfriends in the relationship, yet don't want to put in the effort to get her to stay. They instead use their energy to turn their girlfriends into frumps that no man would bother hitting on--thereby cutting off potential competition and further ensuring that their lazy, undeserving asses will have women who love them.
I have been uglified before, and it was horrible. But I gave in because my then-boyfriend admitted he was insecure and did not want other guys looking at me. I thought it was very sweet of him to be so honest--until I caught him checking out another girl. Oh hell no! I'm walking around the mall in this ugly ass burlap sack you told me to wear because you said it would put your mind at ease, and you have the nerve to look at a chick who I would be way hotter than if your testicles hadn't shriveled and died?! Looks like I get to make use of all the time I spent studying "Bring It On" afterall--because I am going to shove my fists up your ass and tear you open with my Jazz Hands!
Yes, I really hate Girlfriend Uglification. I already spend 80% of the year looking like a tore up banshee, so I've got to get my pretty on as often as possible during the remaining 20%. Plus, I know how this age thing works: I'm not going to have this body or face forever, and there is no way Botox will be enough to lift my raisiny body. Therefore, unless beauty trends change to where I'll be able to attract lovers despite my saggy, 84-year-old boobs and crap-filled diaper, the only way I will put up with Girlfriend Uglification is if the boyfriend cuts his nads off. You heard me: old bag + eunuch = love.
Comments (47)
Good luck with the dating scene, I'm not sure many guys want to be eunuchs.
LOL you have the best posts ever =]
i was really excited when i read the title of this post, mostly because i hoped it would tell me how to make all my ridiculously skinny, perfect-skinned, great facial-structured girl-friends appear uglier when around me, thereby increasing my own attempted hotness.
so, if you ever decide that THAT is a worthwhile post...well....i'm really eager to learn more about that.
@same_old_ridiculousness - Thank you!
laughter accompanies the reading of your blogs. As always.
Stupid guys and their insecurities. They should be proud to have a hot girlfriend to flaunt, not afraid that some other guy will eye her. Sheesh.
If you think girlfriend uglification is bad you should check out a married woman.
or maybe you just need to stop dating douchebags
that sounded kind of mean, maybe i intended it to sound that way
but can you blame me? if you're willing to date a guy who wants to change something about you, and you oblige, isn't that saying more about you? i dunno. just food for thought.
i think i'm just bitter because i'm always on the outside looking in. i'd probably identify with you if i could get a date.
I think married women go through more extreme instances of girlfriend uglification. There are exceptions, however, just like with anything else, but I think the general theory still applies.
Find quality men, they're around somewhere. And funny story, I'm actually in Bring It On 3 as an extra.
You obviously have the Jazz Hands down, but how are your spirit fingers? It is crucial that you master it and use it as back up should, forbid, that the Jazz Hands fail. I am doing my thesis over the Bring it On trilogy and would be a more reliable source than your Jurassic Park reference for the dinosaur report should you ever have any questions, comments, or concerns.
^_~
It's definitely loser guys that fear their gf's hotness. A rational guy would love to show off their hot girl to the world...."Yeah that's right....she's with me.....you, where scared of the hotness."
Wow..you are super sexy....wrinkly old bag....be still my heart. Raisiny body....yummm...raisins! I bet you're like those cool California raisins too. Your stand by tools of bats and/or chloroform won't be needed on me.
I also have the perfect gift for our first date....do you prefer huggies or pampers?
Haha i have a similar experience with my ex in the gf uglification dept. And yes I completely understand the 80% dressed in an old sack part of ur entry
I had matching sweats bc if it was matching it somehow made me seem that i tried to coordinate to class. ANd by matching I don't mean nice juicy couture sweats, but gray sweats and maybe a dark gray track jacket.. i stay within the same color scheme O.o
I'll take you out and show u the california sun considering I am getting old too, but I will put on makeup just for you haha
Plus, girls look hotter in groups. THis is a proven fact, and I think you should write about it ^^
speaking of looking hot, I look absolutely tired with big bags under my eyes. I should be finishing up my work but I am sipping on tea and reading your posts lol now i wonder which law school u go to
you are ever the bomb.
i would never uglify you.
you make yourself sound like the man in the relationship... all ya need is eyeliner and maybe some lingerie?
i think there's a difference between uglification and not overtly flaunting sexuality.
when i'm with my gf, i'd rather her wear something less revealing, a puffy sweater is unnecessary, but a miniskirt and full blown makeup is also unnecessary.
plus, I think girls can look good without being revealing
Great post!
I've never understood why any guy would want that. I agree that you shouldn't be flaunting all that you were given but wouldn't a guy want his girlfriend to still look good for him?
Ha...You have just shown me the light! THat's the reason why so many of my exs wanted me looking less then my perfect self??? heh...I actually attributed it to a new discovery I made and named- Small Dick Syndrome. So small they cant hold their own weight. The guy, not his boys....
yoooo this video reminded me of your ear hair pulse
http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=28011
warning: i think you might fall in love...
I wouldn't expect my gf to look hot everytime I see her but I do expect her to dress and look appropriate depending on circumstances. For example, we are going out tonight for a nice dinner .... looking hot = appropriate ... looking like you just rolled out from dumpster diving = not appropriate. You are coming over for Naruto marathon .... dressing like you are going to the Oscars = why thank you for taking Naruto so seriously but probably not necessary ... no makeup, dressing comfortably and bringing milk and cookies = <3 <3. We are deathmatching Quake 3 at your place .... dressing and looking super hot = not appropiate unless you are deliberately distracting me while you gib me with a railgun slug to the head while I drool then it's called OMGWTFHOTGFKILL!!!! ... very very cheap but I will see the humour in that =D.
I will never ask my gf to uglify (wow new word! XD) herself around me because a) it's illogical to me, why would I not want my gf to look hot for me and b) it's theoretically impossible to uglify herself around me, since I have no sense of fashion or not exactly Prince Charming ... she'll probably be asking me to stop deliberately uglifying myself around her =(.
Judging by your profile pic, I can see why guys would be insecure about their ability to hold on to you. XD But I agree - uglification is really unnecessary. Why wouldn't a guy want to show off how awesome he is get someone like YOU!?
Jazz hands... omg that made me laugh XD
That was great. I loved this post!
Sylvia, I had thought the Xangacelebrity post was my favourite, but now I am revising that statement! BTW what is a "Jazz Hand?" Is that like Spirit Fingers? I would suggest instead of "Bring It On," try "Step Up" or "Step Up 2 The Streets," for QUALITY movie-going experience -____-
BTW I've noticed some of the ppl that comment on your posts are...kinda creepy...like creepier than lotions on skins creepy...
ugh! guys and their securities!
if i ever get a bf i would expect him to look good for me (at least when we're going out) and i would do my best to look good for him too!
put those spirit fingers to good use! and btw i meant i was rich in credits, but i guess u really can't buy friends with xanga credits =[
i h8 double standards!!
i'd stay away from guys like ur ex.
Just when I thought you're losing steam, you came back with a punch.
I'M YOUR FAVOURITE CREEPY??? I'm...so happy...I've worked so hard...*sniffle*
But seriously...you got dudes with pube-forest pics, skeevy asianphiles, guys who think (wish) you're korean, and blatant rapists offering to "not uglify you" whilst they hood a ziplock bag over your head...how do you deal with it all?
Hmm, I've never heard of this uglification process you speak of. I always thought that girls did this to themselves because they get too lazy to do their makeup.
Doesn't making your girlfriend ugly just make her easier to approach and more susceptible to getting jocked?
Just read your own comments! You'll know what I am talking about. They're not all from today mind you.
Weird... Not sure what is wrong with guys these days. I always love it when a girl dresses up. My experience has always been that the girls did the Uglification process on their own, because they feel they didn't need to put effort into since they had a boyfriend now. Did you give those guys a reason to be jealous? Like flirting with other guys could also classify along those lines. just a thought...
you are fuckin brilliant.
i know ur kidding, but i wish u weren't *nerdy chuckle*
I guess I could see why this uglification game can be well... ugly. I've been heavily invested in taking a more broadminded approach of women in the post-feminist age, and especially with Asians amidst the Darwinian jungle best known as the sexual hierarchy. your thoughts?
Silly rabbit... I wasn't referring to you. I was refering to the women I have dated or my friends GF's. Its like once they reel you in they don't care anymore.
Jazz hands? I've seen the first two Bring it On's, back when we had foster teenagers and I could blame them for me watching it! I remember Spirit Fingers, but not Jazz hands. Hmm....
Ah, the uglification of married women....I'm trying to get my hotness back, but this baby weight just loves me so much that it just keeps hanging around. It's definitely worn out its welcome.
Haha. So true, so sad. Hope you don't mind me stalking your site now.
You just discribed my last relationship. Blech!
Get a castrati and you'll get beautiful music too!
hmm...that's an interesting theory except i sometimes thought that guys would want their girlfriends to be hot so they can show off their trophy. but yes, i agree there are definitely guys out there who would go with the uglification route.
funny post!
You deserve better than to be dating a guy who's insecure. A guy like that lacks maturity and is not worth it.
oh you are too kind =)
I insist on returning the favour =)
Never heard of the concept before. In the future, don't trust a guy's advice. :$
You do realize that just for being Asian, you don't start going "old" until twenty years later than most others. Hell, people occasionally mistake my father for my husband (gack!).The only downside is that the wrinkles, crows' feet, and sagging seem to happen overnight. So you probably won't start "looking old" until you hit about 65-70 and by then who wants to be alive?
Your wicked sense of humour never ceases to amaze me. FREAKING FIREFOX!!!!! "H-U-M-O-U-R" SPELLS HUMOUR AND IS A WORD!!!!!!!! At least in England that is.
Oh by the way, I will be getting my State Certification as a Paralegal in december, do you need one? A Paralegal that is.