March 19, 2008

• Play On, Playa: Xanga Style

  Some of you may have noticed that the little light bulb shows up next to my username quite often, and yet I have not posted a thing since Wednesday. That's because I am too busy looking at all your profile pictures and drooling over you sexy things. There are a ton of good looking guys and girls here, and I know you gorgeous Xangans are just dying for me to sexually harass hit on you--despite the wave of nausea you experience whenever you think about being the target of my PMS (pervert macking skills). You'll get over it eventually.

  Unfortunately, it's a little difficult to showcase my smoothness when most of you are nowhere near me. It's not that I have a problem with traveling to your areas and showing up at your doors in the middle of the night with a nylon stocking over my head (keeps the mosquitoes away)--but I am a little sick of paying for airfare, flowers, and candy when all I get in return is a face full of bear mace. That's so uncool, you guys; regular pepper spray would have been just fine. And what the hell is up with bogarting the Russell Stovers but leaving behind the gross, nutty ones? Those are the worst!

  Thankfully, Xanga has made jocking on you distant hotties easier by providing me with Credits to lavish and impress you all with. My theory is: since affection can be influenced by money, and Credits are like money, then I should be able to influence your emotions with Credits. In other words: I'll be big pimpin', spending C's!

  There are two things you can buy with Credits: Minis and Premium. However, I am just going to stick with the Minis because giving Premium seems so...commitment-ish. You can't just drop 4000 Credits on someone and not expect them to interpret that gesture as a marriage proposal. The extra storage space alone is enough to make someone want to have your babies. Imagine what they'll do when they find out their sites no longer have ads and that they can upload 99 profile pictures! You're going to be featured on the next installment of MSNBC's "Lockdown" series: "Lockdown: Matching Baby Blue Tracksuits."

  Anyway, in order to effectively use my Credits to buy attention from you beautiful bloggers, I shadowed nasty, old businessmen to see how they use money to entice younger lovers. The only rule is to blind prospects with expensive bling so that they no longer notice your liver spots or old man smell. This was actually Rule # 2, but it moved up to replace old Rule # 1: become governor and join the Emperor's Club. That one was tossed out for obvious reasons, i.e., it is way too hard to become a governor.

  Applying this rule to Xanga, the first thing I must do is damage your eyesight with expensive Minis. I have already spent hours researching the entire list to find the ones that most closely resemble bling, and have come up with these options:

  

  This one is gold and fairly shiny, and therefore constitutes bling. However, it only costs 5 Credits--that's not really going to help me blind you with my wealth. It might make it easier for you to ignore the shag carpet on my armpits, but not the crust underneath them. I can't just wash it away! That stuff is food for the microbes living on me! If I get rid of it, the colony will starve to death and I'll be a murderer. I don't want that on my soul.

  

  I'm going to have to pass on this one too, because it only costs 100 Credits. That's not enough to get me any gold diggers. At most, I'll get a bunch of gold panners--and everyone knows gold panners are ugly.

  

  Check out the shiny sparkles! This is so bling it's not even funny! And it's also the most expensive Mini available. Wow, just seeing it now makes me fall in love with myself! What sasquatch armpits? Those are tendrils of sex appeal!

  Now I just have to infect you with the pink eye of love by going around to all your blogs and giving you this Mini. I probably won't have time to read your posts and give you any actual feedback because I've got a lot of sexies to visit. But I hope I don't give you a Mini on a post where it would clearly be inappropriate:

  

  Hmm...yeah, I don't think anyone would find me attractive for that...

  Once I'm done decking out your comment sections and making you hot for me, I'm going to feel you up:

  

  (Where is that hand going?!)

  And then I'll lose interest immediately after I have my way with you, and will leave you for another hot Xangan:

  

  It's inevitable. But don't worry, cuties, you'll always have something to remember me by:

  

  • 7:31 pm
  • 62 Comments