April 6, 2008
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I have to confess something to you all. Although I've been portraying myself as a 26 year-old woman, the truth is I am a 62 year-old dude. There, I've said it. I am actually a man. I have an atom's apple, a huge dong, and a pair of tentacles. I am totally manly.
That was supposed to be my April Fool’s joke, but I couldn't post because I went blind after seeing pictures of that disgusting FIA president playing with his hookers. And let me tell you: I have never once, in my entire life, ever regretted being born...but I do now that I know what wrinkly, old man ass crack looks like in a thong. Acid! Where is my acid?! I must soothe my eyes!
I chose the "I'm a dude" joke because I know that some people would have believed it regardless of my purposeful malapropisms. For some reason, out of all the questions I have been asked on Xanga, the one that comes up most is "you're not really a girl, right?" The second most common question is "you're really a man, huh?"
Not sure how most girls would react when strangers inquire about the existence of their vaginas, but I love being asked because it gives me the opportunity to say “va-jay-jay” and “hey-naner-naner.” I don't care what anyone says: if you get the chance to say those phrases without looking like a wart bag turd, you take it. (I should totally write fortune cookies.)
However, I'm becoming increasingly curious as to how you can determine someone's gender based on the text in their blogs. Being that I am the spokesperson for my fallopian tubes, ovaries, and uterus, I thought everything that came out of my mouth was unquestionably feminine. Seriously, what's more girly than telling you that a woman's period smells like a seafood buffet? And that yeast infections are insanely itchy and smell like death?
Unfortunately, this vast knowledge is not enough to prove I've got taco, so I did some research into what makes a blog "girly"--but by "research" I mean that I asked other people to find out for me (I'm not going to read them on my own, are you kidding me?! Those posts are chock full of gibberish like "whatevs" and "lates"!). They listed several characteristics, but the most common ones were: relationship problems, dieting, and fashion...coincidentally, the most wer-wer topics in the universe.
I'm definitely not above discussing those things, but I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail than write about them.
With relationship problems, I am not someone who finds solace in typing them out. In fact, I actually end up feeling worse because I'll have thought about the issues multiple times in order to reduce them to text. And I don't want to relive the time I kicked some guy's ass with a cactus because he beat me in "Bust A Move." It was my favorite plant! *cry*
As far as dieting and fashion are concerned: I eat junk food and live in my sleep clothes, the end. What is that? Like a Mini-Pulse? It's not worth the two seconds it takes to read it.
Is there anything else that makes a girly blog? Because so far it's looking like the only thing I can rely on is my profile picture.
Comments (58)
errr scary april fools joke
your blog is more than womanly, it's awesome.
there's really no way i can answer your question with a public comment! i pity the foos that do...
i think what is making people question about your femininity is your pictures are too 'perfect'
they don't look 'real'
also.... what is a hot person doing on a blog.... bloggers are ugly and nerdy
overly emotional content and a lack of anything funny
oh also... ppl cannot equate looks and beauty with a genuinely nice personality...those two aren't compatible...they just don't compute..... the logic is incorrect....overload....error.... blue screen of death.....xx
Your blog is so much better than girly blogs. Just please don't put up a picture of a 62 y/o dude.
V to the Jay Jay! I have no idea, I am naive and just assume that everyone is telling the truth about who they are.
Well, not always. But, especially on xanga, what's the point in pretending you're the opposite sex? It's not like this is an AOL chat room...
and omg this mini is so adorable. It's like Harry Potter's snitch. Only pink and heart shaped instead of gold and ball shaped.
Hmm... given that Harry's a wizard, maybe his 'snitch' is more like the pickle mini...
Inappropriate! This comment is rated PICKLE. BEWARE.
Great April Fool's joke. It had me scared for a moment but I wouldn't stop reading nonetheless haha.
If i had no clue whatsoever, i'd just have to read and find clues based on the context and by discerning your thoughts. But truly, gender in thought is not easy if you're tomboyish or feminieish.But I really like personal blogs that express deep opinions and not just I did this and this today. I enjoy quality more than quantity but people that write a lot are cool with me. Anyways, I respect you for what you write not your gender! But of course that alone does not determine who you are.
Atom's apple? ATOM'S APPLE!?
http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php & http://www.hackerfactor.com/GenderGuesser.html
enjoy, sir!
That's funny....DUDE!
Anyway, I feel for ya.
I'm the most unfashionable woman/girl that I know. I much prefer sweats, t-shirts, and going without a bra. Unless of course, I just had a baby and the girls hurt me from nursing.
So I don't talk about fasion, try not to mention dieting (that's way too overused!), and relationship issues. I'm married-not that that will excuse me from any problems, but c'mon.
"relationship problems, dieting, and fashion"
Going by those check offs, my blog isn't girly enough, or at all. However, I do talk about my feelings a lot and I allude to "Prince Charming" a lot as well. So I think emotional and lovey dovey stuff makes for a good girly blog.
Lol. If you took a random pic of a dude or you dressed as a guy and posted it under the joke and then said April Fools it would've been more funny. Your blog sounds girly, mine is just a bunch of rantings with bad grammar. lol.
This was a multiple shock post for me.....
Thinking that you were a 62 year old man sent chills up my spine........
....when all this time I was thinking I was falling for a 62 year old woman with that sexy wrinkly skin....
....only to find out you are actually a 26 year old hottie....
I feel I've been misled.....hmph!
Actually everyone has a pharynx (aka atom's apple), it's just more prominent in men.
you should find a male celebrity to obsess over.
it's "adam's apple."
@GeniusInABottle - I know. "Atom's apple" and "tentacles" are malapropisms for "Adam's apple" and "testicles."
I dun quite understand this mini, I honestly have no idea what the lemon is about to say to the milk...
Anyways...
I'm sorry Sylvia, but photochopped photos are just tell-tale signs of testicles, err I mean tentacles! The common internet man has a highly evolved "tentacle" sense and are very wary of attractive young women in photochopped beach poses. Obscene drunken pics of girls with friends-you-don't-care-about are unattractive, but nevertheless a good indication (but not validation) of “va-jay-jay.”
until the day you rock out your page with five different shades of pink wirth diamond and glitter animation, i cannot truly believe your are a female
Honestly, why do some people care so much about your sex? This isn't a dating site ... it's xanga ... it's your writing that matters to me. I can care less whether you are male, female or Quincy the genius donkey if your writing is interesting to read for me.
How sexist are those who questions your identity ... gee absolutangel must be a guy posing as girl since girls aren't capable of legible, humorous and intelligent writing because they are all stupid ditzes with relationship and self-esteem problems. Thank you for setting social equality back a hundred years .... you do know there is a woman who is running for president right now?
Hahahaha...whatt?? o.O who says blogger have to be ugly and nerdy? lol
LOL what a great April fool's joke
What's in store for next year 
@Amandasbiggestfan - a Tom's apple
You have tentacles??! Woah....
But anyways,
I don't think I've read enough different blogs to know how to stereotype. Personally, I don't make judgments right off the bat.
I know how I make a lot of mistakes ASSuming so I avoid it all together.
Your blog was very entertaining though.
Also, how you misspelled some of the male "characteristics" is evidence of you being a female? I guess??
I haven't heard anyone say "va-jay-jay" and "hey-naner-naner" in a long time though.
You need pink, lots of pink. And hearts, stripes, and polka dots (preferably all mixed together) with dancing fluffy cats on your background... on second thought, it's probably not a good idea to blind your readers. You are just fine the way you are
Talking about the intricacies of menstrual pad selection.....? Since guys seem unable to comprehend that there are in fact many different kinds.
bleh. I thought of that off the top off my head
more pix more pix! You can 'myspace-up' your xanga! heh
If you were really a man, then I guess no more prospective girl on girl for us. No soup for you!
Got to love Bust-a-Move!
Erm, let's see. Uh, who cares?! People nowadays want to be sexless--er, I mean, have equal rights for both sexes--anyway. They might just call you sexist for trying to differentiate between girly, man-made girly, manly and woman-made manly blogs, let alone trying to make a blog girly.
Hmm, I'm trying to imagine the pair of tentacles. Bet they squirt ink.
Yes, it is the profile picture.
Does it really matter if people wonder if you're really a girl or guy? Let them wonder for all you care, because people should be coming here for your quality of writing rather than wondering if that gorgeous girl in the profile picture is really you or not (is it?). But, I guess it helps knowing that a knock-out is typing out all these funny/witty posts.
"Seriously, what's more girly than telling you that a woman's period smells like a seafood buffet?"
HAHA, so true! Some of my friends think I'm crazy that I can smell periods. I'm like, HOW can you NOT?
I have no idea what makes a blog girly. I certainly don't talk about any of the things you mentioned, except for mentioning the occassional cute guy, but then, I could just be a gay man.
I think lots of 'giggling' in their entries largely indicates the existence of fallopian tubes and what-not.
You're a pretty good lookin' man I might say
I think it's a women's ability to go into the most specific detail on a certain topic. No straight dude will go into details like that of a woman.
i love how you write. down to earth with a touch of humour.
just write "vagine entry#1,2,3,4.....".
Well...in chatrooms people have also thought I was male because I sound "smart & knowledgeable," so I guess you have to talk about stupid and frivolous things to be considered a girl...in addition to a pic HAH!
Actually it wasn't the loss of potential "pampering" as much as I was sooo looking forward to seeing you in your pure California rasiny glory.
Oh,...congratulations on your newly minted true badge!
lol no idea what 2 say...
HAHAHA. we're moving towards mid-apr!
Don't you mean ADAM's apple?
I totally fell for the joke. Whoever heard of a girl being sarcastic anyway? lol
You should totally write fortune cookies. I agree.
Thanks for the laugh.
Old Hat
That was a great joke.
Personally, I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head about what makes a blog girly. The layout can also make it girly... most guys don't have pink flower layouts.
I'm not familiar with you or your blogging style, but just by reading this, I do believe that you are a woman... 80% positive that you are, though I have doubts... as people are allowed to have when it comes to gender-guessing on the internet. You also made references to the female reproductive organs, which a guy would try to avoid at all costs (most guys anyway because it makes them feel "icky").
Girl blogs usually consist of "cute" pictures and even "cuter" captions to go with said pictures. Actually I don't have a clue.
And you are not alone in the "so you're a guy, right?" department. I've also been asked a few times, but I let people think whatever they want. Whatever that makes them happiest or most comfortable in their own skin.
Look here lil mamma, "SHAKE DEM HATAZ OFF" They just dry hatin kause they kaint get on ya level! Tell them sukas to kik rocks/ (aKa SUK A D!K N DIE!!!!!) and laugh all the way to the bank YA DIGG
um this was really confusing
dang DUDE that is wierd be who you are
high school drama.
(that was a huge deal back when i first started writing on Xanga, and it's something a lot of my female friends wrote about, as well.)
uhh...makeup? i dunno. i think it's ridiculous that people would ask you what your gender is. it seriously shouldn't matter, lol.
[[by the way - your profile picture is fab!]]
cheers
You make my life. Other people might have thought this wasn't funny, buy I think it's hilarious. Though, the fact that you insist on portraying women as stupid and unable to note the difference between the words "tentacle" and "testicle" does piss me off quite a bit. There are intelligent women and that is an unfair stereotype.
@DancingWithScissors - Actually, I wrote "atom's apple" and "tentacles" to hint that I wasn't really male. If any stereotype was involved, it was that men should know what an Adam's apple and testicles are.
your writing is all punctuated and capitalised and grammatically correct. that makes u a chick.
Did you grow up in Canada or the States? If so, then don't worry so much. Most girls that did act like boys anyways, so this site shouldn't be girly.
LOL that was great ROFL umm i am new to the site and i have randomly been reading blogs and such ROFL umm well it would be cool to hear from you i guess rofl idk i have blogs of my own posted up and jup jup reading them would put a huge upside down frown on my face (fuck i hate being corney) lol umm well bye...?? lol
i don't think it's a joke....it's true!...jk
I don't know. An impression? What is a wer-wer?