May 10, 2008
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We go through life taking many things for granted, but there is one thing so closely tied to our personal lives that to forget its importance is to commit the gravest of sins. It is a necessity we are almost completely dependent upon, comparable to our needs for food and water. It is an integral part of our daily lives--nay, our very existences--and without it, the human race becomes nothing more than soiled victims of its own gluttony. Indeed, my friends, that which I regard in such high esteem is:
the gimp suittoilet paper!Yes. Toilet paper. Paper for the toilet. Every home has at least one roll…which is usually part of a stash of rolls. And maintaining that stash tends to take precedence over other items, especially if you shop on a budget. I, being a serial starving student, have refrained from buying vegetables and fresh meats to save money for toilet paper (and because I don’t know how to cook anything unless it comes out of a box. Hamburger Helper and I are tight!). Regardless, we always have extra rolls because if we run out, the hygiene of certain body parts goes to Hell. And so does everyone’s respect for you…although, I’d actually be impressed at the parade of flies following you around. You’d be Lord of the Flies! (And there goes the last of my dignity.)
Considering what parts of us makes contact with toilet paper most often, quality is of utmost importance! It even trumps the benefits of saving money. Because while saving money can lead to some increases in wealth, low-quality toilet paper can lead to hanging bags of butt-meat, i.e., hemorrhoids!
Therefore, as president, founder, and sole member of Civilians Really Against Poor Toilet Paper (C.R.A.P.T.P.), I am deeming today the Fight Against Really Terrible TP Day (F.A.R.T.T. Day). And to commemorate the occasion, I’m going to rank some toilet paper brands in hopes that poor souls will make better choices when making their purchases.
Ratings are based on a scale of 1 to 5 of these smiling toilet paper rolls:
. I've ranked each brand according to the following criteria:Touch Test: how the toilet paper feels on my butt.
1
= I'm wiping my butt with gravel. 5
= I'm in butt heaven!
Butt-Bleediness: how many times I can wipe with it before it makes my butt-skin bleed.
1
= take me to the nearest hospital!5
= butts can bleed? No way!
I know there should be more factors, but I think those are the most important ones…i.e., I’m lazy.
Kirkland Bath Tissue: 36 Rolls of 2-ply for $ 20.23
You can always tell two things about a person who shops at Costco:
- They’ve still got 10 packs of bacon left over from the 12-pack they bought a year ago.
- They’ve got a mountain of Kirkland Bath Tissue.
You can’t deny this; everyone knows how hard it is to fight the urge to pick up a slab of Kirkland toilet paper every time you see the price. It’s almost as difficult as ignoring those rotisserie chickens. You know, the ones that are always juicy and smelling delicious…mmm…
Ninety-six percent of the toilet paper I’ve used was Kirkland Bath Tissue. And I’m sure I’ll be saying the same thing in 40 years because my parents are Costco members, my sister is a member, I’m a member, I plan to marry a member…etc.
Touch Test
It kind of feels like Kleenex, but a tad softer. Yes, even though I’ve been using it for years, it still feels coarse on my butt. But that is probably a good thing: if I were used to the roughness, that would mean I’ve got a callous where one should not be.
Butt-Bleediness
Expect to have some bleeding if you’re having a peanut butter poop day, but it won’t happen until the 7th wipe or so. And it doesn’t happen all the time either—unlike a certain other brand that is mentioned later on in this post. By the way, what am I eating that makes my dump that consistency anyway?
Charmin Ultra Soft: Thirty "Giant Size Rolls" for $ 19.99
I'll be honest: I was skeptical that Charmin's toilet paper was as amazing as the commercials made it seem. How could I be sure that the cartoon bears were genuinely happy with the softness, and not just paid actor-bears? Plus, at 67 per roll, it was too much of a luxury for my low-class butt.
But then! Costco had a coupon for Charmin Ultra Soft, which made it cheaper than the Kirkland brand! And now I’m a believer. I believe those cartoon bears!
Touch Test
It’s thick like a paper towel, but soft like the blankie you had as a baby. I couldn’t believe such toilet paper existed! I actually sat and studied a few squares to see if there were any magical elves hiding in the layers. And there were! And they really hate the Keebler elves!
Butt-Bleediness
Finally, a brand that doesn’t make my butt bleed! Even when I’ve got peanut butter poop! I can use up an entire roll to wipe myself clean without fear of inducing a hemorrhoid!
Ralph's Everyday Bath Tissue: 4 rolls for 50 cents
No picture available, so I drew one of my butt cells reacting to Ralph's toilet paper.
Sylvia's Advice of the Day: You should never, ever tempt fate by allowing your TP rations to dwindle to the point where you are wiping your butt with the last roll. Even if you are planning to go to Costco soon, it is still not worth it. You run the risk of buying Ralph’s Everyday Bath Tissue because you kept putting off going to Costco and now you’ve got dookie booty. Don’t do it.
Touch Test
While I knew a 12.5 cent roll was going to feel as cheap as it cost, I had no idea I just purchased butt sanding paper. Actually, sand paper is probably softer than Ralph’s Everyday Bath Tissue. Looking at the bright side: you can use the money you saved to get yourself some Preparation H.
Butt-Bleediness
How should I say this...? The first time I used it, I think I got two wipes before it broke skin. After that, every wipe—even when it wasn’t peanut butter poop— resulted in ass bleed. It was so prevalent that at one point, I thought I was dying.
Err...okay, so my list is pretty weak. But you can make it stronger by sending me some of your own toilet paper rankings! I'll add them to the post (just remember: touch test and butt-bleediness). Oh, and as a bonus, you become automatic members of C.R.A.P.T.P.! Hooray for generosity!
Ratings By Other Awesome C.R.A.P.T.P. Members!
Scott Tissue by aznroadrunner
Touch Test
Butt-Bleediness"Scotts sucks. Scotts is like wiping with cardboard, except that it's really thin. It almost makes you think it's giving you paper cuts."
Angel Soft by gorman117
Touch Test
Butt-Bleediness Cottonelle by charlottegeely
Touch Test
Butt-Bleediness
"...nicest 1-ply ever but falls apart."
Comments (47)
LMAO! i totally agree with the necessity of having decent tp. i like the kirkland brand as well because it does a pretty good job. however, i currently use angel soft, which i would rate perhaps a 4.5 for each category (btw, where'd you get the tp icon?). the only reason i haven't been going with kirkland is that i don't have enough room in my shack to store it. i think it's important to have double ply versus single ply also.
My personal favorite has been Quilted Northern for a long time now. It is not as soft as Charmin' but it is softer than those cheap brands that they use at office buildings and courthouses in my experience as a lawyer who likes to take a big gross dump after lunch. Quilted Northern is really without comparison for cleaning those nether parts after launching a nice long greenish-brown nuclear submarine.
Commuting on the train and making a face as if IT WASN'T REALLY ME who laid that stinky fart...that's another scatalogical connoseur item worth mentioning.
feelin good feelin great!
I need at least three-ply for a good wipe.
You wouldn't take toilet paper for granted at my school... Pretty bad when budget cuts force you to walk to different bathrooms in a search for toilet paper. In the military they used to ration the stuff based on squares per person per day... Anyways, soft TP is such a gift! Gotta get the triple-ply stuff!
haha. I never pay attention to the kind of toilet paper I use, or it's softness. Which just goes to show that you're right, and I do take for granted how dependent I am on the stuff.
OMG. I was just thinking about this the other day. I moved to Florida and Costco is not near by, I so miss the Kirkland brand. For those in the Tampa, Florida I recommend the Sweetbay brand of toilet paper with the bunny. I haven't done an extensive cost analysis, but no need to haggle over a couple of cents, it's your ass don't go cheap there.
AW! The toilet paper rolls are SO CUTE!!! I totally know what you mean! The first time I tried Charmin it was like as if someone had robbed Jason and the Argonauts and made the golden fleece into a roll of stamped perforated squares of delightful ass napkin. Being from an immigrant family I am not familiar with such extravagant luxuries. Back in old C-Town, we would wipe against the great wall and use it as mortar! It would seem that the capitalist pigs have done something right!
I'm a fan of Scott's 1000 count roll. It's two-ply, and pretty darn durable (though you're going to need several folds if you're taking care of peanut butter poop). I don't know the price per pack/slab, but considering we have a gigantic 48 pack in the basement and my family's frugal, it's got to be pretty good. Overall, I'd give it a 4 on the touch test (it's not like wiping your ass with silk. more like 700 count bedsheets.), and a 4 on butt-bleediness, though I've never gotten to the point where that happens, so I'm just guessing.
The ones that really suck are the pieces of hard tissue paper you find in schools, malls, and other places where they outsource their TP buying. You know, those giant rolls that automatically switch to another when the current roll gets too small? Those things are ridiculous.
oh. my. god. rofl.
miss absolutangel..... u have too much time during finals!!!
and in any other news, 90% of the time after I take a crap, I shower. I have this compulsive attitude to not feel satisfied with the cleanliness of my ass after I shit. showering is the only real way to fully clean your ass after a shit!
haha i use the kirkland ones too. they're comfy =). i always have to wipe like 10 times after i do anything so comfort is important!
charmin always leaves little papery fuzzies. i dont like it. try wet wipes before tp! i like Scott toilet paper. its not too soft, not too rough, and lasts forever.
1 ply tp = hand nightmare.
Scratch my last, Scotts sucks. The roll I was using ran out and was apparently a different brand. Scotts is like wiping with cardboard, except that it's really thin. It almost makes you think it's giving you paper cuts. A 1 and 1 rating, respectively.
Some cultures (you see this in France, Africa, and the Middle East) have a bidet. Much more sanitary then TP. And in the long run you save money....
Take this example, would you rather wash your hands after a greasy lunch or use napkins?
I just use water when I run out of toilet paper. And I can't remember the last time I bought any...
You know you were saying you'd put off buying veggies and fresh meats for TP.. BUT if you manage your diet, you could be using less TP per session! I'm sure you're familiar with the term "Ghost poop", the kind where you poop it out but there's no trace of anything on the TP. It's because of what you're eating!
@gorman117 - I found a random picture of toilet paper and then drew the smiley face on it. I tried to draw a roll on my own, but it came out looking like a smiling white square outlined in black.
Have you ever experienced the joy of a Japanese toilet? Heated seats.. jetstream functions.. and they can aim at either hole too! It's like toilet nirvana.
this was highly amusing, thanks =)
i, too, spare no expense when purchasing my rolls of asswipe.
and butt bleedlines? good God, woman. peanut butter poop?
i am ever impressed. your legacy continues.
i give this one an A. well done.
teach
I must say, my family is guilty of buying budget toilet paper. The kind that melts in your hand before it even makes contact with your butticles. However, I do recall one time using toilet paper at a friend's house.... It was so soft and kind, you could masturbate with it! Perhaps I should ask my friend what brand it was.
You're off to a good start with toilet paper rankings, but you've left out a key quality measurement: The NTLB quotient.
NTLB is short for No Tissue Left Behind, and similar to the military mantra of no man left behind, is based on the ability to get the job done with no loss of material (1 = Uh, where did the toilet paper go?, 5 = 100% confidence you're not suffering from butt dandruff).
Here is where we see the dark side of the soft-side. Most of those fluffy soft toilet paper products have low NLTB quotients, and are prone to producing TP MIAs. This can lead to the conundrum of having to use more TP to take care of the MIAs which in turn can produce more MIAs. I believe this was cited as one of the new additions to Greco-Roman tortures in the after-life- which makes the guy condemned to roll a boulder uphill for all eternity feel fortunate that he got the better deal.
One needs to balance softness with a decent NTLB quotient for best results.
I can't remember when I laughed so hard and out loud at a blog. I need to go wipe the tears from my eyes...I wish it were with cottenelle which is nicest 1-ply ever butt falls apart (4 rolls, both categories.) Unfortunately my house uses Scott. I don't buy it, but maybe I'll splurge and buy us some of the good stuff. This article is very convincing.
Hahahaha. I totally relate. I always by Charmin.
Hilarious! i switched from kirkland to charmin cause of the costco coupon too (and maybe partially to see if it'll help lessen buttbleediness :X i'm glad someone said it!)
fortunately i haven't had to buy budget TP (plus i work right next to a Costco). I love the Charmin myself, i'm just waiting for my husband to come up to me to tell me how he's so happy about the switch! You know...bring me some roses to thank me for the wonderfulness his butt is feeling, but so far, no dice
This was a highly educational entry. I mean, not just because of the toilet paper reviews, but....before now....I never thought Asian girls pooped.
You're cool! I like you!
Love the cute. Love the poop humor. Cute poop humor....gold!
I've been a Costco member since before it was Costco (on the east coast) and I've never even thought about buying the Kirkland brand TP - though my friends and I all agree that Kirkland is the bestest store brand hands down.
I always go for whichever premium brand is the supermarket loss leader or the Target sale-of-the-week. Super duper comfort at 50 cents a roll or less. My last score was some Cottonelle enriched with Aloe and E 12-pack of double-sized rolls. I think it's the stuff that angels use when they run out of clouds.
I'm featured in your blog. I feel honored. ::bows before the goddess that is absolutangel::
This made me crack up. Thanks for the toilet paper education! I lub the smiling toilet rolls.
I don't even pay attention to the brand names.
Good to know, good to know... ^_^
My only problem with Charmin is that it's so thick that you run out of it really quickly. It's the classic quantity vs. quality dilemma. Good thing I've got 20 rolls to wipe my ass with.
Also, you look much younger in your new profile pic. Did those magic elves in your tp reverse the aging process?
YOU.
are the sweetest.. ty!
i am now 28 wowww.. craziness. Anyhoo.. haven't even read this post yet.. i've gone past it several times now.. i already know it's ankle deep in goodness.. so yea.. been saving it... and so it shall be saved..
thanks again for the bday wishess.. many-a-heart *hugs*
jB
Fantastic site. Thanks for being bold enough to post about this. Clearly it's something we all wonder about.
hahahahaha!
great post!
lol. How did I miss this!!!?!?!?
*recommend*
Ur in teh newist blowg.
Personally, ya can't beat the cuts of steak they have there.
haha.
I love this.: ]
That was undoubtedly the greatest thing i've read all day.
Charmin Ultra for the win =P
lol this was funny.. and i guess kinda true too..
Charmin is quite soft though.. and it's easy on ur eyes when cryin, too..
TP is the win... The heavier TP might be affect by increased shipping costs due to the increase in gas prices... So how much is your ass worth?
I'm with you on the Charmin. It's like a spa for my butt.
yeah oooooooooo
When using Charmin I worry most that the the toliet paper rubs off and sticks to ur butt
talk about not having a life and testing/rating toilet paper
but i've been reading your xanga since i came across it (i don't have a life, either 
) and i LOVE IT. sorry that this comment is on the one about butt-wiping-paper and not even relevant ._.
This is the first time I have ever seen a hilarious analysis of TP. You need to become a judge, and I will become a lifetime subscriber to every decision you write.