May 26, 2008
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True Story: Part 2
So what could have been my one, single moment of Xangalebrity status turned out instead to be a smashed dream one…and also one where I wished I was covered in diarrhea, because at least then I would have had a pretty good excuse to remove myself from an increasingly awkward situation. Forget being mistaken for some other Xangan: I'd just been told by a complete stranger that she was afflicted with the fire piss:
WEIRD GIRL: Oh, you know...*whispers* it's for pee that burns and kind of hurts.
I have no idea how to deal with strangers who have firecracker urine, but common sense tells me it’s not a sign of good health when someone feels like they’re peeing a stream of acid and cigarettes. Plus, although I’ve never had an STD, I do know that fire piss is a symptom of at least one of them. I’ve seen a lot of those treatment commercials, which means I’m practically an STD doctor.
Anyway, once Weird Girl told me about her prickly piss problem, there was no way I could tell her she had the wrong person without inflicting massive amounts of embarrassment. And how was she going to react to being corrected? She used Mercurius Vivus—which is probably just a fancy name for “KFC’s Secret Recipe”—to cure her vagina. Odds were she was crazy and carried a weapon.
There is no way for me to twist the rest of the story so that I come out looking cool and awesome, so I’ll just say this: I don’t think well under pressure. It takes me a while to analyze problems and rationalize solutions, which is not useful because my first instinct is to neutralize the stressful situation as quickly as possible by throwing out the first idea I come up with. And for some reason, the first idea is usually a really, really terrible one.
Thus, when I found myself unable to get away from Weird Girl, my brain went into MacGyver Mode: must come up with a crazy-ass exit strategy using the useless memories and experiences I had accumulated. If MacGyver could make a helicopter using chewed gum and twigs, then I could definitely think of something to get me away from Weird Girl.
So I’m standing there—trying to think of something—for what I thought was only a few seconds, but must have actually been like two minutes because I then hear:
WEIRD GIRL: Umm…are you okay?
And in a moment of total genius, I responded...
ME: Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge loo-Teb-jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh.
That’s right: I busted out a foreign language. I don’t know why because I had just been talking to her in English, but somehow I had forgotten that minor detail when I came up with the brilliant idea of pretending like I didn’t understand what she was saying.
Then, to my horror, someone behind me says:
“Cool! You can speak Klingon!”
...OMG…I was still in that freaking “Warhammer” store. I just spoke Klingon in a store that is probably routinely visited by guys who have adopted that "language" as their native tongue—like the eavesdropper who was standing behind me and totally blew my cover.
For the record: I don’t speak Klingon. I got that line from my favorite episode of “Fraiser.” Frasier’s going to a bar mitzvah and has to give a speech in Hebrew. But he doesn’t know any, so he asks a Trekkie to write it for him. But the Trekkie was mad at him and instead wrote everything in Klingon. Bwahahahaha!
Anyway, Weird Girl makes this face like I’m the weird one, and all I could say was:
ME: Look, I didn’t want to say anything...but I get paid to blog about home remedies. I actually have health insurance with Guggenheimer, which doesn't exist, and go to the doctor regularly. The only reason why I’m telling you this is because you might have something that requires actual medical attention and not old roots and leaves.
Then I grabbed my cell phone, pretended like I was answering a call, and started speed walking away. Wish I'd done that earlier. I think Weird Girl called me a “crazy b*tch” or something as I left.
The End.
...Hopefully. But if not, I'm definitely going to use all the suggestions you guys gave me. Thank you so much!
Comments (51)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is one of the funniest entries I've ever read from anybody. and I still probably would've just started laughing again if Weird Girl asked me if I was okay after standing there like a dumbass for two straight minutes.
How about wearing a shirt that says "Absolutangel64?"
Way to lose track of your surroundings before speaking in fictional languages
hahahahaha.....if y' can't lose 'em, confuse 'em. brilliant.
whaaaaat?!
You seriously cannot be making that stuff up. Break out talking in Klingon? And then someone recognizes it... *dies laughing*
Hey, you're still ahead of Ricebunny for "Hottest Asian Girl on Xanga", so that's got to count for something.
That's outrageous. All of this could have been avoided if you just pointed and laughed once she admitted to having burning piss.
a devious one you are. i am scared.
too fun!
ROFLMAO. absolute genius. =D
?? Funny.
Hollywood couldn't have done it better. Hahaha
That is so incredibly awesome. I love it. So much that I just printed out both of these for some of my employees at work, haha. <3
Hahahahaha. I can't believe you came out with a foreign language. Classic!
LOL i wonder if she left "crazy bitch" comments on that other xanga's blog when she got home
Wow. That's hilarious! I totally need to watch that episode of Fraiser.
I seriously just busted out laughing when I read: "Then, to my horror, someone behind me says:'Cool! You can speak Klingon!'" It would have been fine except that the room was really quiet and filled with other computer people. I had to summarize the whole thing, and when I got to the Klingon part no one laughed. (They were probably in the middle of typing up their Trekkie Fan Club news letter.) Either way, PROPS to you!
Interesting....did it change again?
To answer you question...that's for me to know and you to find out.
@SoullFire - How are you doing that?!
Hmmm, did you really break out in that Klingon verse on the spur of the moment? Tell the truth now!
Hope you're enjoying the holiday! I'm feeling a bit under the weather...time to call my doc at Guggenheimer....
RYC: Hmmm, indeed! Now how could I possible trick you out of your lair?
RYC2: I have special powers....how else could I have evaded your ninja kittens?
ROFL
This story is absolutely amazing! Hilarious and awesome.
It's particularly relatable to me because I, too, have trouble thinking under pressure, and I, too, have started talking in a foreign language to people who only speak English. In my case, though, it was French, and it was completely accidental.
I absolutely love your blogs.
hey! hope that u dont mind me subing to u
totally love ur blogs, theyre hilarious! x
LOL
Wow, that is THE best story I've read.....ever. You just made my day! You are a wonderful writer too. Keep up the great entries!
Wow, if this were fiction, I'd call you brilliant. It's still hilarious. Hahahahaha.
I'd had no idea there was a part 2 to this story... hahaha, good stuff!
hahaha, that's a great story.
RYC: no, that wasn't weird. at all. haha.
Oh, thanks for subscribing, I should probably post more often though.
lol...ahhh...you know you speak Klington, you sexy nerd you.
Razan naba do-wa gola wookie gotta SOLO!!!!
For one brief moment there, you should've turned behind, shown the eavesdropper the finger and even mouthed 'thank you'. That would so add comedy to the whole thing.
I hope this is really the end of it too. Otherwise, omg, Weird Girl totally need to see a doctor for her flame-thrower piss and a shrink.
HAHAHA...that's funni and creepy.... stalker > < who mistaken you for someone else, and started talking about her STD problem and how "your" herbal remedies cured her... bwuahahaha... = P
thanks for sharing.
ciao~
Klingon takes care of any awkward situation.
hahaha there are so many nerds out there that just had an orgasmic experience because of you speaking in klingon
Well, at least it made for a good story. I enjoyed reading the different ways you can say fire piss
RYC: Yeah, shaving your mustache was a bad idea--you probably coulda held out for at least twice as much.
stories about pissing is fun! uh. huh?
wow...i can't believe you remembered the klingon to even use it. what exactly does it mean? did the other guy translate it for you?
@gorman117 - I have no idea what the phrase actually means...I'm sure that guy would have translated it for me, but I had to make a quick exit before I made myself look even worse.
I shall memorize that klingon phrase... i was gonna sing phrases from Candy-H.O.T to woo you.. I suppose 5 -has been teenage boys in the 90s just doesn't cut it anymore haha
I don't know what's weirder, her stalking you or you going MacGyver mode and speaking Klingon. Why didn't you just say "Sorry, you have the wrong person."?
LMAO, awesome. Xanga must be really popular over there. People in sweden havent even heard of it!! I like your blog btw, who needs to be a xangalebrity
(they don't write the best stuff exactly). xo
Some lonely nerd is probably searching for you on World of Warcraft and Starcraft after reading a message board about an Asian girl who speaks Klingon. @_@ Nice site, you crack me up.
Great post! I lost my coffee when you started with the Klingon.
My take is that she recognized you as someone she reads, and likes, but got confused. That means "weird girl" has read all this and is probably too embarrassed to say anything. I feel for her.
Something tells me they should put all urinary tract problems under the subheading 'firecracker urine' from now on.
that's a nice phrase.
Haha wow I hope she wasn't just joking when she started talking about you being some other xangan. Because if she was, then you... probably made yourself look like a moron. A gargantuan moron.
You are very funny. Almost as funny as me.... Almost....
I enjoyed this one lol =) i'm not sure what i would've done in that situation but i've been mistakened for someone else once...quite embarassing BUT you can totally turn it around and embarass them hehe anyway great blog =)
BWAHAHAHA!
Oh man..... Klingon in a Warhammer store. That takes the cake.
I'm simply wondering what's happing at the Xangan's page with the mistaken identity. Heh.
OH MY GAWD!!! I didn't comment on part 1. This was funny.
AHAHHAHAHAHA that was the best story ever.