June 19, 2008

• My Pulse is riddled with inappropriate questions–which I cleverly call the “Inappropriate Question of the Day” or “I.Q.D.” I know what you’re thinking: that title is a perfect example of Sylvia’s creative prowess! If only I could be as original as she is!

  Anyway, I’ve received a number of messages from people who have wanted to know why I ask such nasty things. The answer is quite simple, but in order to fully understand it we must go back in time to when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! Mwahahaha! 1982, when I was born. Actually, that’s an understatement; I wasn’t just born–I was born awesome. And awesomeness = asking inappropriate questions. The end.

  …Okay, fine! I started the I.Q.D.’s because nothing else fit on my Pulse (*cough* stingy 132-character limit *cough* *cough*). And I know appropriate questions would have worked just as well, but they’re overused and boring as hell. As if you needed another person to ask you who you’re voting for or what you think about Iraq. So unless I’m trying to trick someone into giving me some lovin’ (e.g., “I’d really love to hear your thoughts on global warming; why don’t you get naked and share them with me?”), I try to stay away from appropriate questions by not asking any. Trying to avoid answering them is way more difficult; as of right now I have to loudly fart my way out of it. There has got to be a better method!

  I prefer to ask inappropriate questions because that’s the only stuff I genuinely want to know about. For instance, one time my crotch literally smelled like french fries and I wanted to see if anyone else had experienced something similar. I posted an I.Q.D. on my Pulse and found out that I was the only one (and then I called my OBGYN and told her I thought I was dying because I had McDonald’s vagina). Asking the I.Q.D.’s has also given me the opportunity to get to know other Xangans better–because you don’t really know someone until you know how they maintain their pubes.

  As long as I’m on this topic, and because I don’t have a transition sentence, if you happen to need a good laugh I very highly recommend you visit “Yahoo! Answers.” People go there to ask or answer all types of questions, ranging from homework help to health advice. But who cares about those? I’m telling you to go there because of questions like these:

  “I want to make Hamburger Helper, but I’m not the greatest cook. Can someone help me out?”

  

  “I just got a Brazilian bikini wax from a new girl and she totally ripped my vagina skin. What now?”

  “A guy told me you could make a virus that can harm the PC. How do you do that? Please tell me! Thank you!”

  “Why does my penis sometimes shrink and pull inside, as in turtle head, or worse, no turtle at all?”

  

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! These are real questions I found on “Yahoo! Answers,” but I cleaned up the grammar and spelling because it was too disgusting to look at. By the way, what the hell is the guy with the shrunken dick talking about?

  • 11:29 pm
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