June 23, 2008
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My annual gynecology exam is coming up. Yay…time to go get a clamp shoved up my privates and my insides swabbed (although, it actually feels more like a scraping than a swabbing…they must use pumice shards instead of Q-Tips or something). It’s not a horrible experience or anything; it’s just a bit of a hassle to have to lie there in a freezing cold examination room with nothing on but a paper gown while the doctor feels your uterus. At least my gynecologist is cool. She always tells me two things: (1) get lots of calcium in my diet, and (2) do those Kegel exercises. She says they’re healthy, but what she really means is “tighter va-jay-jay, tighter leash.” She’s great! It almost makes me look forward to my checkups.
You’ve got to wonder though: how do gynecologists deal with rotten poontang? I can’t even deal with photos of them–and thus scored an “F” on my final report for sex ed. I was supposed to research gonorrhea, but instead wrote about the clap…as in, the noise you make when you slap your hands together. I don’t care! I’ll take the “F,” even an “E,” if it means I don’t have to see any pictures of stank, diseased vagina! Ugh, can you imagine having to look at one? The smell alone could kill you (and no, this is not based on personal experience; common sense is enough to tell you that a wiggidy-wack vagina does not smell like flowers). And then having to check the insides with a swab? That Q-Tip better be two feet long or else the patient is just going to be sent home with a box of douche.
I wonder if gynecologists feel grossed out about certain vaginal afflictions. Maybe not the same way I do because I’m easily repulsed by busted birthing holes, but there must be some forms of crotch rot that doctors find extremely heinous and never want to deal with. And maybe on days where most of the patients have issues, the doctors have to draw straws to see who gets stuck with the worst one:
P.S. What’s the man’s equivalent of a gynecological exam?
Comments (53)
probably a physical, semen sample, and blood sample. turn & cough. um and a prostate test. lol.
definitely prostate.
I loved my obgyn rotation in med school…to be more specific, the OB part. I loved delivering babies, but the GYN part was *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* (censored due to patient privacy laws). Needless to say, I didn’t go into obgyn. But you’re lucky, this obgyn resident I worked with had the same size hands as me (size 8 gloves). Could you imagine your obgyn walking in and saying, “ready for your pelvic exam?” while pulling out her manhands, blotting out the fluorescent sky in the room? I nicknamed her Sabertooth, after the X-Men villain.
For us men we have to get prostate exams later, but that only lasts for a few seconds…
Erm. I’d just like to say… ick.
But yeah, I’ve never had one (not really at the age where I need one) but I’m sure that the prostate exam isn’t pretty.
I always wonder what kinds of kids think to themselves, “When I grow up, I wanna be a proctologist!”
Gross kids. That’s who.
That would be a miniature swab going in through the tip of your head for a “scrub”. It burns like hell and its purpose is to check for some some std.
Also by leash, don’t you really mean jaws?
*cringes* Oooh. That almost makes me glad I’m still on my period. Ouch! And I sure as hell would never make it as an ob/gyn. I would sooo vomit. lol
haha, she really tells you to do kegels? They work?
I am so glad we don’t have stirrups.
I think if the gyno was a guy, he must be one of those really big closet pervs. Like the type who likes sniffing women’s panties.
i’ve only had blood samples, urine samples and a visual check, nothing bad.
not good to read whilst eating
I’m gonna have to say prostate. Either that, or something that requires both catheters and enemas.
@npr32486 - LMFAO!
You should look into switching to a different gyno. It really shouldn’t hurt that much! Mine is awesome. She even warms up the clamp beforehand so it feels more comfortable. And she’s super fast so it’s all over within 1 or 2 minutes flat.
I once had the cutest male doctor as my gyno. He was a great gyno and such a McCutie, but I ended up switching because I was too paranoid about what he thought of my vajayjay!
I’ve never been yet, but I am super stressed about going, so that’s why I haven’t made an appointment. I sometimes wonder what type of person wants to be private part doctors like gynos and proctologists, haha. And i am torn between whether I would prefer a male or female gyn.. I guess it really doesn’t matter and it would be sexist for me to pick one over the other!! ^^;
haha thats funny..i wonder what make some goes I want to be a gyno =/
They’ve probably seen it all, being professional practitioners and all. I think they sit in a dark room, while a professor shows them icky images on a slideshow.
What about beauty therapists who have to perform brazilians? They’ve probably seen the works as well…. if not, more.
ohhhh not quite right vag? *shudders*. guys have prostate examy thingy-ma-jigs
good, lord.
Oh man, god speed. My Human Sexuality professor used to tell us girls to go through with it… followed by a “it’s extremely uncomfortable.”
And I’ll say prostate exams, too.
it puzzles me what would drive anyone to choose gynecology as a profession. are they looking for ones with teeth or something?
this year i’m skipping my annual because i got kicked off my parents’ insurance when i graduated college and i refuse to pay full price for my old obgyn – she was a total bitch, and i hope she gets sued for extreme bitchiness. once a birth control brand she put me on made me gain like 20 pounds in one semester and when i told her she said, “well that brand doesn’t have that side effect, but it can make you hungrier. are you sure you aren’t just eating more?”
“hell no BITCH, i’m eating LESS because i gained 15 f*cking pounds in a month!!!”
prostate exam…hehe finger up the behind
it sux being a girl…
dentist checkup would be equal to your checkup in my book.
god. i loved the doodle there ha!
Prostate. I don’t want my doctor’s finger up my bum.
Prostate exams! Seeing how they can’t really get at my prostate directly (they can try to jam a finger down my urethra but I doubt they will have much success…esp because you can bet I will be kicking and screaming whilst they try), they have to get at it via my back gate. Like Hannibal with Rome and the sneaky Greeks with Troy, they are going to have to cheat and lie if they want to get in and “sack” my city center!
yeah- gyno visits are never fun…
kegel exercises.. do share the steps. i think all women would love a tighter va jay jay… and i doubt men would have any objections either..
^_^ yet another entertaining entry
not good to read while at work ….
errr no boss it’s not pron .. it’s a scholarly first person account of the latest gynecological examination techniques. yes sir .. it even have a full coloured picture on typical gynecologists social interactions. No sir … the author is not a guy … Yes sir I am sure of that … YES I AM VERY SURE SHE IS A WOMAN. Thank you sir I will present on this article for the Journal club on Monday …
dude. *shaking head* lol
prostate exam?
the equivalent would be where they get shafted. prostate exam. where the rectum…
dang…your post is absolutely awesome just ‘cuz you used the term “wiggidy whack”. this girl i met who does the lab work for those exams told me that she sees some nasty stuff esp. when women know they’re going to the gyno. you should go to the exam wearing all your clothes backwards!
lol a guy said a dentist visit is the equivalent
Prostate. not quite sure if anyone gets a thrill out of a cold dildo up one’s A-hole but hey, who am I to judge?
thanks for having a humorous entry on it…
i don’t think anyone finds that annual appointment to be completely enjoyable.
I totally could not be a gynecologist. Ick.
i never thought of it as a q-tip so much as it was one of those eyelash/mascara declumping brushes. so that way, you account for the bristles as well.
awesome post
i loved this post. i hate the gyno. its sooo uncomfortable and it def feels like stabbing instead of swabbing….
lmfao you’re fucking hilarious!
@theblackspiderman - They TOTALLY work.. .. and we all know that a tight vag, is a happy vag!!
clap…as in, the noise you make when you slap your hands together. AHAAHAHAAAH LOL
colonoscopy?
IT’s the soundtrack to Schindler’s List!
yuck.
Just to let you know, i dont check xanga much so every time i go on there will be a series of new entries, and i check yours first every time i want something funny.
I was never disappointed.
i just had to give a urine sample and i’m on my period. gross!!!
What do you think of this? tell me.
crap, i don’t think it showed up..
http://www.sexylabia.com/04_sucking-big-pussy-lips.htm
@deathtothenewworldorder - I’m not going to click on that, as it will most likely make me vomit!
Ugh, I hope I never have to go to a fucking gynecologist… it’s my vagina leave it alone! D8.>
They get a cotton swab stuck up their penis for a sample and then a finger up their butt for the prostate part of the exam and then their balls inspected for lumps. Excuse the crude wording, I like to put it frankly. But I think males are easier patients than females because females squirm around too much. And the worst one is probably AIDS.
Also, if I know it’s gonna stink, I make sure to put on a mask before going down there for the assessment and double glove cause it wouldn’t be pretty if the first glove broke.
Never had one. One time I had to get a full physical, and was praying with everything I had in me, “Please God, don’t let him examine my boy parts. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!!!” He didn’t and I was eternally grateful.