July 12, 2008

• The hot, new trend on Xanga appears to be those “Most [insert appealing attribute] Xangan” contests. It seems as if everyone in the community is somehow involved in one (myself included, for I am a shameless, attention-craving, Xanga whore who is uninhibited by burdensome things like “integrity”). The contests generally involve reader-nominated contestants with a requisite characteristic, various rounds of competition, and a panel of judges. It may seem formulaic and repetitive—and honestly, sometimes I’m even not sure if there are 1,000 contests going on or just one—but it’s nonetheless entertaining (just ask Simon Cowell, who hasn’t come up with a new idea in decades). And, as they say, if it ain’t broke’, don’t call it a kettle. Hmm…that sounds…100% correct.

  As someone who has had the honor of being nominated a few times in some of these contests–which I am truly flattered and grateful for–I really shouldn’t have a problem with the concept of awarding Xangans for having attractive qualities. But sadly, from a spectator’s standpoint, I have one minor complaint which can only be conveyed by use of irrelevant analogy: as much as I love McDonald’s, if I had to eat it everyday I’m going to start craving carrots…and I detest carrots.

  Meaning: I think there should be a contest for people who, for lack of a better term, suck ass. And for anyone who wants to accuse me of being a b*tch, take note that I am holding the Shield of Shut the F*ck Up.

  Besides, I am not referring to physical appearance or personality because that’s mean, even for me. Rather, I think the contest should focus on people who commit certain crimes against Xanga humanity. And being that this post is just a way for me to point out some things I find annoying without explicitly saying so, I have come up with a few examples of potential categories:

  Worst Spelling on a Post: an award for a post that is riddled with insanely bad spelling—like, so bad you’re almost positive the author is really a head of lettuce that somehow rolled onto a keyboard.

  Worst Use of Emoticon: this will go to someone who tried to emphasize a particular sentence with an emoticon, but instead caused readers to say, “you suck ass.” Here is an example I actually found on someone’s Xanga a couple years ago–it was so traumatizing that I still remembered it after all this time:

  I am now a woman.

  Uhhh…why did you use the sheepish-grin-that-looks-more-like-a-stoner-face emoticon? Then again, why did you use an emoticon at all? You lost your virginity at twenty, not twelve!

  Worst Uppercase/Lowercase Abuse: I mEaN cRaP lIkE tHiS. A person who has that much time to devote to such garbage should use some of it to cut their hands off.

  Ah…if only there was such a contest! I’d probably run one if I could, but I’ve got a final to study for and can’t do it. Maybe someday…*cough* if there is enough interest. *cough* *cough*

  • 12:13 am
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