August 18, 2008
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I have come to realize that I am cursed with some disease that makes me susceptible to "One False Move Moments." I call them that because they are moments that must be handled with extreme tact or else your ass is grass--such as when a woman asks you if the outfit she is wearing makes her look fat, and the answer is "yes." You know you've done something bad if you're confronted with that scenario. Sucks to be you!
People who have successfully dealt with "One False Move Moments" tend to have better analytical skills, and can quickly find the correct solution out of the trillions of incorrect ones. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people for I tend to choose the worst solutions imaginable. Going back to my outfit example, if I were caught in the nightmarish situation of having to tell a woman that her attire makes her look fat, there is a 99.9999% chance that I would say, "you look like a sausage being choked to death by its own casing" instead of "that color does not do you justice." I'm sorry, but I can't ignore the obvious when it is parading in front of my face. I'm cursed, I tell you, cursed!
Anyway, I experienced another awkward situation while having lunch with one of my friends--let's call her "Friend"...and while we're at it, let's call me "Creative Genius at Coming Up With Fake Names."
Friend was talking about going on a diet, and asked me if I could help her out with something. I agreed without hesitation because at the time I thought she was going to ask if she could use my gym pass or borrow my MP3 player. But no! She instead asked me this:
FRIEND: Could you buy me one of those "Alli" starter kits? I'll give you the money.
ME: ...Heh?
FRIEND: Because it looks bad, you know? People are going to look at me and think I'm a fat chick trying to lose weight.
ME: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I uhh'd for about a minute; that's my go-to plan whenever I find myself on the verge of saying something that is either offensive or could easily be interpreted as such. Although doing this makes me look like a dumbass, it has saved me many times...well, no...that's not true. It actually prolongs the agony.
FRIEND: What?
ME: Nothing. Um, I don't think I should get it for you...
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: Because....Maybe I'm wrong, but if I ever saw myself buying diet pills I'd immediately think "eating disorder" instead of "she's buying it for a friend."
Since I didn't feel like being scrutinized that day, I therefore didn't feel like doing her that favor. But saying it outright would have been rude; it would've instead been better to say something like "'Alli' makes your butt leak oil" or "exercise is more effective than diet pills," or maybe even "I heard 'Alli' is manufactured in sweatshops and the secret ingredient is feces." And I would have gone with any of those three choices had I been blessed with a couple more IQ points--but I wasn't, hence why I said:
ME: You would probably do better getting it on your own. It makes more sense.
Threat neutralized! I am awesome!
FRIEND: What do you mean by that?
ME: You're on a diet--and "Alli" is for dieters. So...?
I am screwed!
FRIEND: Are you calling me fat?
ME: Not at all! I'm just saying that I think it would look worse for me to buy diet pills than you.
FRIEND: I see... so it's more acceptable for a fat girl to buy "Alli" than a skinny girl?
ME: No...but...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I ended up agreeing to help Friend out because, as expected, I offended her with my piss-poor attempt at conquering the "One False Move Moment." And guess what happened when I went to buy those freaking "Alli" pills...
Comments (55)
this is really cute.
HAHA. ouch. That really sucks.
If you keep eating fast food and the like while taking alli, you'll literally crap your pants without warning.
GlaxoSmithKline recommends that Alli users wear dark pants and keep spare clothes available at work until they "have a sense of any treatment effects".
LOL sucks to be you. I would've stuck to my guns and declined to help your friend.
lol, that's messed. If I was friend I wouldn't have asked someone to do that sort of thing. I think it's rude even asking. You should have told her your original idea "they'll think I have an eating disorder" that didn't sound offensive at all.
But it did make me lol. haha.
hahahaha... sorry, i know i shouldn't be laughing so much considering you kinda had to pay the price for helping Friend out. they should come up with some to-do book on how to handle such tricky situations.... something like if a happens, do b, if not then try c, d or e.
Good point, friend. Strongly spoken!
S.C.
sausage being choked by its own casing. . .lolz
try buying pregnancy tests, thats even crazier.
I suffer from the same thing. Wish I had a pause button for life....or maybe even a Twix candy bar.
hee hee hee. you should have said it was for your grandma who swears it's the best stool softener ever.
oh...one false move moments....that's what i call nearly six hours of my work day.
and why does your wallpaper keep eating the submit button. seriously, i can't see it and i might accidentally give you a mini of a mulleted unicorn shooting a laser out of its horn.
sorry.
LOL!!! I love the comic strip!
rofl
A+ for writing A+++++ for drawings 
Seriously!! She needs to make sure she reads the box!! It really does state the need to wear dark pants and take extras to work with you! NO way am I doing a diet that tells me I may "crap" my pants while at work uncontrollably....
Hahaha....Alli can also cause kidney stones. What happens is that there is more fat being available to travel down the gut, these form calcium soaps that are doo-doo'd out, thereby leaving more oxalate in circulation to form kidney stones. Of course, that's not what you wanted to hear, but awesome nonetheless.
you can buy anything on the internet! that should be your IQD.
LOL hahah aww poor you........ but yes... people's initial reactions are almost always evil... hahaha sigh...
I hate it when people behind the counter comment on my stuff. It's MY stuff! MINE!
LOL. Why are you such a great blogger?
@xquizit_anga - though she may not be blessed with as many IQ points as she likes, she is the chosen one when it comes to blogging. she was born in "The Xanga" when it was created, just like neo in the matrix.
lol! i used to work at a pharmacy and there were plenty of instances where people were buying diet pills, the day-after pill, and condoms for "friends." it's good to know now that they weren't lying to me. hah!
maybe she needs to accept the fact that she's (possibly) fat and get it herself...
(or! she can order it online)
Meh, some people are just too easily offended and shouldn't ask questions that they don't want to hear the answers two. If I went out to town wearing a tshirt that said 'I'm a total twat' on it, then asked someone if it made me look good, I would have no right to be offended. Bah, people...
I have a very good mate, who, in all fairness can be a bit of a drama queen, and every now and again she will jib off everyone bar a couple of close friends, of which I am one. Now on one particular occassion one of her closest friends, who had a few issues in the past, asked her what she thought of her as a person. Now to me this would have been a loaded question, and I'd answer 'I think you're ace, you can be a pain in the ass, but generally you're ace'. My friend however, whom I will call mad, proceeded to list all her faults. ho, ho, ho (Green Giant). So when her friend exploded, she exploded back, and the pair of them stopped talking. So on msn one day I get this:
Mad - 'You don't think I'm mad do you?'
Me - 'Mad? You're a lunatic.'
Mad - 'Really?'
Me -'No I'm kidding, you know me, always taking the piss'
Mad - 'Yes, but would you tell me if I was?'
Don't be so ridiculous of course I wouldn't.
Me - Of course I would, you're just as blunt as a sledgehammer and don't know when it's best to lie.
Mad - By saying she was sound?
Me - Yes, even though there's faults, you never list them or the person will go apeshit (voice of experience btw), you just give them the confidence boost they're after. If they're after a compliment and you say 'well, you know, you can be a bit of a tit, you're a klepto, you use people, etc' you can expect a bad reaction.
Mad - Would you be honest with me if I asked?
NO!!! To list faults to someone os volatile as she is would be like hanging my plums through a guillotine.
Me - Of course.
Mad - What if you're lying now, you could just be saying that.
Me - But you'll never know, and ordinarily people will just accept it, but you're a stickler sometimes and keep digging for an answer you know you won't like, just accept it and let it go.
Mad - So you dont think I'm mad?
Yes.
Me - No.
Mad - And you're not lying.
Yes.
Me - No.
And this is my avoidance thing. Yes it's a kind of lying, but, sometimes people fish for things knowing they won't like it, and I like to keep people happy
I think your chum was out of order for a) asking you to get the tablets, and b) Kicking off when you said no :-p I would have said no, and why, but they shouldn't have got a titty lip on when you said no.
hahahah!
at least u're not a boy helping her get "breast enhancing" pills...
not a one false move moment but my 6'0" male cousin has once waited in line because he saw a really hot actress handing out free stuff.. turns out they were boob enlargement pills..
LOL.
I don't get how people can be offended so easily. Cute, cute drawings again btw.
Maybe I'm an ass but if she went "So you think I'm fat?" I'd of said "No, but you think you're fat so get em yourself." or "You know you shit your weight off with those right?" as all of my friends know how much I hate that feature of the product.
hahahaha.... cartoon +1468368.g points
What the heck is Alli? I have no idea why your friend would want you to get diet pills then get all offended when you are reluctant to do so.
So you think I am fat ... no shit sherlock, I thought you have already admit as such to me when you asked to me to get those pills like some underage kids asking me to run them a case of beer.
And of course it's more acceptable for a fat girl to get the pills since a skinny girl would look like she have psychological issues while the fat girl looks like she is a lazy ass trying to lose a few pounds by cutting corners rather than good ol' fashion healthy diet and exercise.
I can't believe your "friend" basically extorted you into doing something she knows is not the most comfortable thing for you to do *wer-wer*.
You should have b*tch slapped that KMart woman and told her that you were buying the pills for her fat ass.
I usually try to balk while I think of an excuse. There's a 50/50 shot of it working for me. Half the time it works, but the other half, I choose the wrong thing to say. I always manage to finagle myself out of that "does this outfit look good?" question though
a photo are worth a thousand words
sylvia's photo blogs... priceless
Haha, that sucks to be you! jk.
Hahah funny!
I'm also afflicted with this grave disease. Sigh... it's horrible when you can't think of something better to say on the fly!
That leaking oil argument could've worked...my mom tried it actually, she got tired of the sensation.
Love the graphics. Either way, all you have to say is "see it works!". Crisis averted.
haha that was nice of you to take the hit for your friend. Someone has to be judged every time Ali is bought. You should've gone to wal mart to one of those self checkout counters
i tink she shouldn't expected u to buy it for her, but yes u could've said its better to just eat right and exercise, pills arent gonna be good for her in long run.
You always make me laugh.
Do you have an eating disorder?
you should go to congress or something and tell them how it is
I forgot how funny you are. =) Thanks for reminding me.
Condoms for "friends" is classic FAIL... i would think diet pills is hella totally more believable, these days!
HAHAHA great post! i literally caught myself from fallin outta my chair! and yes. i woulda looked at u funny 2 if i saw u buy diet pills.
welcome to my life. i think i say "i don't know" a lot when i get into those situations and then try to change the subject non-discretely to get out of it.
Your reasoning for not wanting to do it in the first place (didn't feel like being scrutinized) sounded like a good and reasonable excuse to me and white lies wouldn't have been needed.
For your friend to ask you if you felt she looked fat? The correct "ask a stupid question" response would be "Duh....which one of us wants to buy Alli?"
Finally, if a cashier should dare to give you a hard time- this should suffice:
Cashier: Right......like I haven't heard that one before....
AA64: Excuse me? You have no right to judge me! You're job is to just shut up and ring me up- now get to work before I hadaoken your sorry butt!!
P.S.
My last few entries have been non finance related....hint hint.
Hahaha. You crack me up!
So, did the shopkeeper call up the police or some institution or something? And you should have turned the tables around and convinced Friend how sad and depressing it is to be skinny like you. She'd either be pissed off and, erm, piss off, or get someone else to get her the pills. Either way, you wouldn't have to do it. Voila! This is the remedy for the OFM inept.
Ugh, boy don't I know how those situations are....th things w do for friends that are easily offended at eveything that comes close to talking about them...
Wow, that's like asking your 11-year-old brother to buy condoms for you. XDDD
another moment highlighted by ms paint. ty ms paint.
Ummm but she is a fat chick trying to lose weight.
ha!...why do they care?...I mean honestly...
I read this one before. But I am still commenting on it. I am nothing if not dedicated, now if only I could divert this dedication to the doctrine of "res ipsa loquitur."