September 12, 2008

• I just returned from a bathroom break. My professor is currently lecturing about something important, and I should be paying attention—but I can’t. I am way too busy trying to figure out why there was an opened water bottle sitting next to the toilet…like right next to it…by the toilet seat part…where someone’s butt goes…

  

  All I can say is…
  
  I like big butts and I cannot lie! I mean, UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  Go ahead and call me a germaphobe or say I have OCD—I don’t care (although, I’d prefer something more original). Bathrooms are No Food Territories, and the thought of bringing anything edible into one is extremely disgusting to me. I know what ends up in toilets, sinks, and bathtubs, and it’s definitely not something I would want near stuff I’m going to consume. Therefore, to prevent possible tainting, I keep all my food and beverages away from the bathroom—far away, because once any part of it enters, it is immediately swarmed by nasty particles and becomes completely inedible.
  
  Of course, I know you can’t always avoid bringing foodstuffs into bathrooms. When I’m at school, for instance, I can’t leave my bag of peanut butter M&M’s in the cafeteria while I do my business because someone is going to jack them. And I know this because I had jacked them from someone else earlier. Thus, if I want to keep my candy safe, I have to bring it with me. Luckily, the school bathrooms are pretty big, so there is a lot of open space between the toilets and sinks–which means there are some areas that have a lower risk of tainting than others. I like to think of them as Food Friendly Zones, and each zone’s level of friendliness is denoted by a color:
  

  

  
      Red: Areas that are within a foot of a toilet, bathtub, or sink are Red Zones. Anything within this zone is automatically contaminated by doodoo and pee. It doesn’t matter if the item was covered in plastic wrap, zipped in a bag, and placed in a locked vault made of titanium with Mr. T and Robo-Cop standing guard 24/7. I pity the fool who eats that sh*t sandwich.

      Orange: The Orange Zone encompasses the bathroom stall walls. Hanging things on those hooks (or precariously balancing them, if you’re like me) and placing items atop the toilet paper dispenser is okay as long as they are processed—i.e., full of chemicals and preservatives, and no refrigeration required—and contained in some form of packaging. No fresh food, regardless of whether it is packaged up or not, because that stuff isn’t protected by any butylated hydroxyanisole. However, Orange Zones become Red Zones if the stall smells as if someone’s ass has been rotting in it.

      Blue: Bathroom counters are zoned Blue, so perishable food is welcome to hang around there for a bit as long as they are in closed containers. By “a bit” I mean long enough for you to do your thing and leave. Staying beyond that means you like spending free time in bathrooms…weirdo.
  
  So what was this opened water bottle doing in the Red Zone? The Red Zone turns all food into edible toilet paper. What horrible situation was this person suffering to resort to such drastic measures? Why, [insert omnipotent being], why?!

  I think I just asked a question that has an infinite number of answers…and that means:

  GAME TIME!

  Today’s game is called “So What Was this Opened Water Bottle Doing in the Red Zone?”!

     By the way, it was one of those cute, mini water bottles that I guess are for small kids or people who are just a little thirsty. [Random Thought: have you seen those made-for-kids, tiny cans of Diet Coke? Those are kind of heinous, and makes me wonder what kind of parents are putting Diet Coke in their kids’ lunch boxes. It’s even more disturbing than giving them orange flavored goo-liquid that kind of burns when swallowed—i.e., Sunny D.]

  I can only come up with two logical explanations:

      1. The owner of the water bottle was in the middle of taking a dump when a bunch of people came in to use the bathroom. Not wanting to risk announcing that she had eaten a rotten egg by laying one, she decided to wait for the bathroom to clear out before resuming her bowel cleansing. However, as we all know, stopping mid-poop can be physically and mentally draining, and this person was probably suffering such effects. To alleviate the strain, she took a gulp of water, and left it near the seat.
  
      2. The company that makes Massengill decided to copy Crystal Light by coming out with small packets that can be mixed in water–freshness on the go!
   

  • 4:23 pm
  • 35 Comments