January 9, 2009

• All television commercials are annoying, but I tend to give “As Seen on TV” commercials a break. Yes, I know they are basically the visual definition of “lame,” and feature either that bearded guy Billy-whatever-his-name-is or a bunch of really bad actors overreacting to everything. But we’re talking about 30-second endorsements for products no one would ever want or need–which is a daunting task that surely deserves the lenience one wouldn’t normally give to commercials for necessities.

  A standard-issue “As Seen on TV” commercial is full of stanky cheese because the product is usually a solution for problems no one actually finds problematic. What we would consider a trivial inconvenience of everyday life, the “As Seen on TV” commercial instead views as being a near-death dilemma that will inevitably lead us to our doom if we don’t buy the product being advertised. Do you have to lug around a watering can everyday as punishment for your love of houseplants? Stop that this instant! You could get super tired! Get some Aqua Globes instead! Do you use oven mitts when taking things out of your oven? Well, you should stop doing that too! You could harm yourself because oven mitts are, um, mitty! Go get yourself the Ove-Glove!

  Clearly, I have fairly low expectations of “As Seen on TV” commercials. In fact, my standards are so low that even the commercial for the “Snuggie” was able to meet them—and the “Snuggie” is a freaking blanket with sleeves! A blanket! With sleeves!

  So imagine my horror when I discovered that there are two “As Seen on TV” commercials that supremely fail to fulfill my dirt-low standards. These commercials are so bad they’re douchie—and not just regular douchie. They are douchie-up-the-butt.

  Silver Sonic	Loud-N-Clear

  The “Silver Sonic” and the “Loud-N-Clear” are both personal sound amplifiers you wear on your ear like a Bluetooth headset, and can be used to do things like “hear a pin drop from across the room.” I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or because there is only one director who specializes in commercials for personal sound amplifiers, but the spots for the “Silver Sonic” and the “Loud-N-Clear” are both so bad I actually thought they were fake commercials produced by SNL. Seriously, the creators had to have been purposely aiming for the douchiest advertisement ever because no one could ever unintentionally come up with an “As Seen on TV” commercial that’s actually worse than the “Snuggie” ad.

  I’ll admit I’m not very experienced with marketing. I took a marketing class in college and fell asleep during most of the lectures–but even I have an idea of what to put in a “Silver Sonic” or “Loud-N-Clear” commercial. These things are like cooler-looking hearing aids, right? And everyone knows that hearing aids = the elderly, because hearing can deteriorate with age. Therefore, it would make sense to feature old people successfully living independent lives because they have “super sonic hearing.” Maybe have a scene where grandma is working in her garden, suddenly pauses because she hears a group of people talking excitedly about religion, and then dashes into her house, locks the door, pulls her curtains, and watches as the group’s shadows appear at her front door. The group rings the doorbell a few times, but grandma stays motionless and silent. Finally, when it appears that no one is home, the group slips a “Joys of Cultish Living” pamphlet under the door and leaves. Grandma is safe!

  What old person would be able to resist buying a personal sound amplifier after seeing that commercial? I bet those things would sell out in seconds if the “Loud-N-Clear” people went with my brilliant idea. But no, instead they decided it would be better to show this:

  

  I don’t know if Grandma’s “ugh! I had it!” meant she had B3 or she had “Bingo,” but I do know that she appears to have contracted sudden deafness because she didn’t seem to have any problems hearing up until that moment:

  

  Way to go, “Loud-N-Clear.”

  Just because old people are the most obvious target consumer group does not mean I’ve forgotten about the young people. They can have difficulty hearing too, and would find the personal sound amplifiers useful for their own needs.

  The “Silver Sonic” tried to demonstrate how young people could benefit from its personal sound amplifier by showing a group of college students attending a lecture. If you’ve ever had to attend a lecture in a huge auditorium, you know that sometimes it can be hard to hear if you are sitting in the back—especially when the overachiever in the front likes to participate in the discussion but won’t raise her voice above a whisper, so all you hear is:

      PROFESSOR: What are the exceptions to the requirement that police officers obtain an arrest warrant?

      OVERACHIEVER: Psst…psst…psst…

      PROFESSOR: Excellent, Ms. Overachiever.

  I hate that b*tch. The college lecture scene was a good start…until this:

  

  See, now I can’t relate to this situation anymore. You are sitting in the third row right in front of your professor, douche bag! You should be able to hear what he is saying…and so should your classmates who are sitting in the second row! You guys don’t need the “Silver Sonic;” you need a doctor!

  Okay, so the commercial people ruined the possibility of making any money by creating a commercial that is neither appealing to the old nor the young–and I think they knew this and tried to pander to one more target group: the eavesdroppers. This group of consumers would benefit from using the “Silver Sonic” or the “Loud-N-Clear” because they can “turn up the volume on what people around [are] saying.” Who knows? In the middle of eavesdropping on other people, you might hear some of them talking positively about you–and then you will catch a sudden case of Douche Face.

  The “Loud-N-Clear” demonstration:

  

  The “Silver Sonic” demonstration:

  

  

  • 4:05 pm
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