January 25, 2009

• Last Saturday, I announced to the world that I was embarking on a quest to find an “Almond Joy” lover. Today, I am announcing to you all that I have achieved that goal.

  But first, allow me the pleasure of detailing all the intense preparation that went into my success…

  First and foremost, I had to find a suitable hunting ground. I couldn’t just go to the nearest Costco and expect to find my quarry, while at the same time fighting through the crowds of people who had gathered around the guacamole sample station (note to self: quest # 2 should be about finding a Costco that has an easily-accessible guacamole table). It would be impossible to focus on both getting a dime-sized piece of tortilla chip laden with free smashed avocado and hunting down an “Almond Joy” lover. I am just not that strong.

  Instead, I did some extensive research on how to find a starting point for a quest no one cares about, i.e., I watched a lot of those shows where people try to find Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, UFOs, etc. It appeared that every “investigator” started his or her search in places where evidence of these mysterious creatures was abundant. Big Foot = forest where a clump of fur was found on a tree limb; Loch Ness Monster = large body of water with lots of unexplainable ripples and bubbles; UFOs = “Star Trek” convention.

  And “Almond Joy” lover = my law school campus, because recently the vending machine started selling “Almond Joy” candy bars. Coincidence? Probably No! Vending machines only sell unhealthy snacks people will buy. If no one was buying a chocolate-coconut-almond bar, then the company restocking the machines would not have displaced giant “Kit Kat” bars to make room for them. And “Kit Kat” bars are a staple in every junk food diet!

  Now that I determined my “Square One,” I next had to devise a plan to lure the “Almond Joy” lover out. I had originally planned to hand the candy bars out to random students, but there was a definite risk of danger: for some of us, receiving an “Almond Joy” candy bar is like finding a severed horse head in your bed, i.e., it’s a really bad sign. Whoever gave it to you wants you to know you’ve moved up his or her sh*t list. And if I ended up giving them to people who felt this way—and there was a good chance I would—I could become public enemy #1 by the end of the day because, let’s face it, no one is afraid of a girl who thinks completing an easy-level Sudoku puzzle in under five minutes makes her a badass.

  No, if I wanted to achieve my goal without compromising my personal safety, I had to put some serious thought into my plans. And what better way to do this than extreme mathematical computations! Mwahahahaha!

  

  Uhh…I mean this one:

  

  Mwahahahahaha!

  Based upon my extreme mathematical computations, I came up with this awesomely awesome contraption of awesomeness!

  

  Oh man, sometimes I can’t believe how much of a genius I am!

  With all this in place, it was smooth sailing from here on out, right? Wrong! So wrong! Do you know how hard it is to find rope around here? Very hard! Even “Home Depot” could not help me, which was sad because I thought they, of all people, would have realized that spare rope is a necessity for every household.

  This major setback meant I had to scrap the idea of using my awesomely awesome contraption of awesomeness. Luckily, I was smart enough to come up with a second plan that was even better than the first! I was going to start an “Almond Joy Lovers’ Club” at school! And who would attend? “Almond Joy” lovers! Yes!

  And then, another setback: it occurred to me that in order to start this club, I would also have to be a member—and that would require me to present myself as someone who liked to eat “Almond Joys.” There was no way I could be absolutely sure I’d find any “Almond Joy” fan at school at all. For all I knew, the entire student body consisted of anti-“Almond Joy”-ists and I could be ostracized from society if I pretended to be pro-”Almond Joy.”

  Again, my own genius sometimes surprises me, as it did when I came up with a solution: I would wear a disguise! That way, I could conduct an “Almond Joy Lovers’ Club” meeting without exposing myself to lifelong ridicule.

  And obviously I drew a diagram of my new plan for success:

  

  Having completed the planning and preparation phases of my journey, all that was left was to put it in motion, right?

  Fortunately, I can answer that in a negative: the quest to find an “Almond Joy” lover ended before it even began. And good thing, too, because it saved me from making an ass of myself filing all the paperwork needed to start a new student organization.

  Turns out that the “you” in the “Almond Joy” jingle could be found right here! On Xanga! And this “you” is *coconut-shell-drum-roll* you! Yes, you! You are “you”! Well, no, only some of you are “you.” The rest of you are…perhaps wondering why I am making you read my inane internal drivel? Maybe all of you are wondering that though…

  Hooray for anti-climactic questing!

  • 5:34 pm
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