February 19, 2009

• My sister and I were at the Los Angeles International Airport, and while waiting for our flight we decided to loiter in the “Duty Free” store. If you’ve ever been to a “Duty Free,” then you know that the largest displays are always the ones for liquor and cigarettes. And those displays are typically at the front of the entrance, so that every potential customer has to walk past gigantic “Couvoisier” bottles and “Malboro” boxes before they get to the tiny rack of neck pillows (which do not work and should be avoided at all costs).

  Anyway, while my sister and I were walking around the store, unable to avoid the intrusive liquor and cigarette towers, I noticed something interesting: most of the items sold at “Duty Free” cost a lot more than they would at other stores, which made the tax-free perk pretty unperky—unless you were purchasing liquor or cigarettes. Those were actually underpriced, and some of them even had deals. On that particular day, the store had a promotion where you could get a free carry-on suitcase if you bought two cartons of cigarettes. And it a pretty nice suitcase too.

  Although I’m not a smoker and I don’t drink very often, the cigarettes and liquor were so cheap that I was actually tempted to buy some (and then get my free carry-on). What if I suddenly became a chain-smoker and alcoholic? The sale could be over by then! I had to take advantage of it now, right now, before it was too—

  …Wait? What? Did I just freak out over deciding whether to buy liquor and cigarettes? Okay, maybe the booze wouldn’t necessarily be a waste of money, but the cigarettes? I don’t even smoke! So why was I so bothered about missing out on a deal to buy some?

  And that was when it occurred to me: “Duty Free” was up to some sort of trickeration! It was trying to kill us all with tax-free, underpriced, cigarettes in hopes that we would be duty-free-of-life!

  See, I even have proof of “Duty Free’s” evil intentions:

  

  Bow Chickah Cough Cough!

  “Smokers die younger”! Clearly, this is evidence of the “Duty Free” plot to kill us…and apparently, while we are young!

  But what about those of us who are strong and can withstand lung damage in our youth? I’m sorry, but your health cannot save you because “Duty Free” has those people covered too:

  

  (The funny part about the display was that the “Senior Service” cartons were located right below the “smoker’s die younger” “Davidoff” ones.)

  • 3:53 am
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