March 1, 2009

• We all know about the war on terror and the war on drugs, but did you know we are also fighting another war against something less well known, but equally evil? It might even be more evil because no one is aware of its existence. The thing I am talking about, this other war we are fighting, is against this:

  

  No, not burn victims. We are fighting a war against Pen Borrowers…I just decided they were not worthy of being drawn with circles and squares, and instead drew one to look like a doodoo monster. He’d be Pizza-the-Hut’s cousin if Pizza-the-Hut had one—he’s Doodoo-the-Hut.

  

  Waging war against Pen Borrowers is necessary. You Pen Borrowers, man, you guys have no honor. Only 1% of your kind has the decency to return a borrowed pen in the same condition as when it was loaned to you. The remaining 99% can’t do so without mangling the crap out of someone else’s ballpoint.

  

  This awesomely awesome pie chart of awesomeness clearly illustrates the risk involved when dealing with a Pen Borrower. As you can see, there is a 50% chance that you will get your pen back—with the other 50% being the probability that you won’t get anything back because the Pen Borrower did a Bernie and made off with your Bic. Get it? Bernie? Made off? Bernie Madoff? So you’ve heard that one 100 times—so what? I’ll bet it wasn’t in the context of pens, which means my joke is still fresh!

  Of the 50% chance you will get your pen returned to you, there is a 35% chance it will be chewed up, a 14% chance the pocket clip on the cap will be bent or missing, and a measly 1% chance the Pen Borrower wasn’t a doodoo monster and actually took care of your pen.

  Let’s break these numbers down, shall we?

          I. Chewed-Up Pen: 35%

  Tell me, Pen Borrowers, what makes you think I will want my pen back after you put the end of it inside your mouth, bit down onto it with your plaque-coated teeth, and covered it with chomp marks and your bacteria-riddled saliva? Because it’s my pen? Because it happened to belong to me? Not that anyone would be able to tell I owned it after seeing you molest it with your molars.

  If I were younger, stupid, and wanted everyone to like me, I probably would keep my mouth shut if a Pen Borrower returned my pen back after they chewed it up. I’d rationalize the decision by thinking: hey, it’s just a pen. One of these costs my parents, like, 20 cents! That is a small price to pay for the possibility of lifelong friendship with people who don’t talk to me unless they need to copy my math homework.

  While that would have been the case when I was in junior high, that is definitely not the way it works now that I am older, a little smarter, and a lot less interested in making friends with the future crack fiends of America. If you try to give me back my pen covered in your teeth marks, I’m going to say something.

  

  This is even more likely now that I have to pay for my own pens—and being friends with a doodoo monster is not worth 20 cents.

          II. Broken or Missing Pocket Clip: 14%

  The Pen Borrower who likes to fiddle with the pocket clip on the pen cap is a dying breed—good riddance! The world will be a better place when you and the rest of your doodoo-ish kind disappear.

  And by the way, just because there are fewer of you guys in this world does not mean I’m okay with giving you a pen that looked like this:

  

   …but was returned to me looking like this:

  

  It doesn’t matter whether I use the clip or not. There is a stigma attached to owning a pen that has a messed up or missing pocket clip, and it’s called “looking like a doodoo monster.”

          III. Nothing Wrong with Your Pen: 1%

  I rounded up to 1% from the actual number, which was 0.6%. No point in discussing this one because it won’t be happening in anyone’s lifetime.

  ***

  I’m sure some people may think I’m being petty for making such a big deal over a pen. Okay, so the Pen Borrower stole, chewed, or messed up the pocket clip—who cares?

  It’s the principle, dumbass! The principle! Yes, I know a box of pens doesn’t cost a lot–that’s why I bought them in the first place! What’s your excuse?

  • 6:55 pm
  • 53 Comments