March 8, 2009
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When was the last time you received a chain letter in your inbox? For most people, that question can be rephrased as, “how long has it been since you graduated from high school?”—because, ideally, that’s when you’d expect people to realize that sending chain letters is extremely douchie.
And yet, here I am, staring at a chain letter I received from someone I have not seen, spoken to, or heard from since high school. High school! That was nine years ago!
For those of you who have never received a chain letter, or have forgotten what one looks like because none of your former classmates are douche bags, I’ve put together a small refresher course.
First, all chain letters have corny subjects such as, “THE LOVE STORY OF THE CENTURY!!!” or, “Love is real! Embrace it! ~~’~@” And it has to be cornyextreme, because everyone knows the douchie eat, drink, and breathe corniness.
After the corny subject comes some corny material: maybe a “true” story that someone ripped off from a Nicholas Sparks novel, or a poem that has words which don’t make sense to include, but the writer threw them in anyway because he needed help rhyming. You know what I mean, right?
Seeing you makes my heart flutter,
I find myself speechless with no words to utter,
I just bought a tub of “Country Crock” butter.
It doesn’t matter what the form is—the story is always the same: a girl, G, has given up on finding true love because all her previous boyfriends treated her like crap, and she is now a traumatized mess towing two tons of baggage.
Suddenly! G sees a shooting star and decides to make a wish—not for world peace or a trillion dollars, but for true love. Yes, she wishes for true love even though the preceding ten pages were about how she didn’t believe in it. Not only is G a traumatized mess towing two tons of baggage, she is also an asshat.
Then, like all unoriginal love stories, G’s wish comes true: she meets a boy, B, they fall in love and live happily ever after…with her two tons of baggage, some unicorns, roses, cotton candy, goose-down pillows, and anything else that is typically associated with chick flicks and princess-tea-party themed birthday celebrations.
The story may be over, but the corniness has just begun. Now you get to experience your own love story like G because, if a traumatic mess with baggage can find love, then you can too! All you have to do is follow some instructions based on the story’s theme. Since G found true love after making a wish, you will be instructed to make a wish too.
And if the story wasn’t enough to convince you, then I’m sure this piece-of-crap ASCII picture of a shooting star will!
The ASCII art comes standard with every chain letter. We’re supposed to believe that thing is a shooting star, and not the mass of gibberish it actually looks like.
Unfortunately, wishing on a shooting star isn’t enough; you will also have to forward the chain letter to x-number of your friends. Only then—only after you have told people that you are so pathetic and desperate that you are willing to resort to corny-ass chain letters just to find a date—will you be able to find true love like G.
And that is how I ended up receiving a chain letter in my inbox. I think I should return the favor to thank this person for sending it to me. I have even crafted my own chain letter just to show how much I appreciate having some of my e-mail account’s storage space taken up by such trash.
Once upon a time, a pathetic loser tried to find love by forwarding a chain letter to everyone in her address book.
Make a wish, douche bag.
Send this out! You know you want to!
Comments (23)
<3 Sylvia. No, that’s not a heart, it’s less than three!
ppl who send chain letters are probably late adapters of the internet. do not blame them because we were all in their shoes once. theyll stop using their 56k modems and AOL and move on.
I don’t know how people can wish on a star. The monkey’s paw, motherfuckers! Monkey’s paw!
I get those all the time. They usually begin with, “My name is Nkwuo Kalaambasi, and I and a Nigerian prince…”
Ah hah! The shooting star sure does the trick!
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a chain letter about the shooting star and finding love. I’ve gotten a lot about making wishes, but none in a long time. Because I threatened to hit anyone who sent me one.
—————.–#.——-.#–.
————–/-___—–/___/-
————–|_|_A_|—–|_A_|_|
———-No-distance-is-too-great…
——————-.”,-,”.
——————-;—’—;
——————–’.—.’
-ldb——————’.’—between-friends.
And I used to believe in them
9 years?? i didn’t know you were so old. -= P
HAHA that’s awesome. I’m going to keep that handy. The next time I get one of those chain e-mails, I’m going to hit reply and send that back to them faster than you can say “doucherific asshat”.
Oh, I’d love to send that out. But I’m not from Nebraska, and hence lack the corniness required to send chain-letters.
LOL, so true…
Old people like to send them too.
lol ahh yes and please.. let’s not forget the “scroll down”-ness of it all..
xbff4L
HAHAHA. Oh Country Crock butter…it’s so romantic. Just makes my heart melt.
I wonder who actually takes the time to make those chain letters. Who out there in this world is corny enough to come up with some of the stuff they do. Its ridiculous!
OMG I hate hate HATE receiving spam chain letters!!!! I immediately delete them. I am always so tempted to add the user’s email address to some porn subscription site just to get even.
OMG OMG don’t bash chain mail! I ignored one once and the dead girl in the story visited me in my sleep, just like the letter said she would. I couldn’t function for the next few days… now I never ignore a chain letter.
I haven’t gotten a chain email in ages. Yay! My life is awesome!
Dude… I still get random forwards from time to time, but usually the hoax e-mails warning about not stopping if someone flashes their high beams at you, Bill Gates wanting to give you money or HIV infected needles being placed in theater seats, etc. People have to learn to check Snopes.com before forwarding these useless public service announcements onto their gullible friends.
I despise chain letters. They are secretly just trying to get you to worship satan through ASCII star wishing. Srsly. $%&p&&o&n^y^^!%$%
It’s a pony. Srlsly.
haha, that was a good laugh! thanks!
i love to read your stuff