March 19, 2009

• I used to commute 40 miles to and from school, and I spent a lot of that time listening to the radio. For the most part, whatever was being played was just background noise; on random occasions, however, I would find myself blessed with sporadic attentiveness, which allowed me to actually listen and digest what was being aired. It was during two of these random moments that I heard what can only be described as “Epic Fail” statements. These types of statements are created to serve some sort of purpose, but end up epically failing because the wording doesn’t make any sense.

  KNX 1070: Shark Attack Story

  KNX 1070 is a news station I listen to on my evening drives home from school. One night, the station was reporting on the decrease in the number of shark attacks. Fewer people were being bitten, and I assumed the radio news anchor was going to say it had something to do with global warming. But instead, I heard this:

  “Blame it on the economy. Fewer people going to beaches mean fewer shark attacks…”

  Of all the words the guy could have used, he chose “blame.”

  There is obviously something “Epic Fail” about that quote. A person uses the word “blame” when referring to a person or thing he or she believes is responsible for some negative result. Blame Yoko Ono for the Beatles’ breakup, because breakup = bad. Blame President Bush for the current financial crisis, because financial crisis = bad. Blame the fast food industry for your obesity, because being obese = bad.

  And blame the saggy-as-sh*t economy for fewer shark attacks, because fewer shark attacks = bad…? Umm…okay…

  To be fair, I did try to understand the rationale behind the decision to use the word “blame,” and was able to come up with two theories:

  Theory # 1: the guy who wrote this news piece had originally come up with something like, “credit the economy for fewer shark attacks.” He soon realized, however, that putting a positive word like “credit” in the same sentence as the word “economy” would be the ultimate betrayal, considering all the negative connotations associated with the latter nowadays.

  Thanking this turd economy for anything is like giving that nasty Austrian guy an architecture award for building the sex bunker he used to imprison his daughter and the children she bore him. No one wants to give him anything other than the death penalty (I suggest putting him in a cage with chimpanzees that like to rip off people’s faces and nads), just like no one wants to give the economy anything but the middle finger.

  Taking all that into consideration, the writer replaced the word “credit” with its antonym, “debit,”—which he then replaced with the word “blame.” The end.

  Theory # 2: the article was actually written by a shark.

  I am going to put my money on Theory # 2…

  

  710 ESPN: “Clipper Nation” Commercial

  Ever since 97.1 FM stopped doing talk radio, I’ve been tuning into ESPN to get my talk radio fix. Yes, I am that desperate: I will listen to a sports radio station despite the fact that I am not interested in sports. But I am interested in drama, and thanks to drama queens like A-Rod and Terrell Owens, I’ve been able to quit 97.1 cold turkey.

  Besides, 97.1 didn’t have commercials like this one:

  “…’Clipper Nation’ on 710 ESPN, where Clippers’ fans can talk about next year! Next year! Next year!”

  It had everything you’d expect to hear in a radio commercial for a sports program: a narrator who was talking with his I-eat-raw-beef-and-crap-jerky macho voice, sounds of explosions in the background, and finished off with two echoes of the phrase “next year” that had been synthesized to sound chipmunky. This commercial was truly an homage to all things unoriginally manly.

  The problem? This spot was being played, like, a week before the All-Star break—before the current NBA season was even half over! I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to advertise “Clipper Nation” as a program for fans to talk about next season when the team still had 35 games to play—but I am pretty sure that person was a crack head. A non-crack head would have realized the “Epic Fail” factor in that ad. I mean, “Clipper Nation” is a radio show that exists solely to provide Clippers’ fans a place to escape from being inundated with Lakers news, and gives them a forum where they can share their opinions with other fellow fans. It is a show devoted to a basketball team that plays in a city dominated by Lakers fans, and does its best to keep the fans motivated even though the Clippers aren’t, uh, very good…like, at all. At all. Even someone like me—who isn’t an avid basketball fan, and knows very little about the NBA and even less about the Clippers—is aware that the team is awful.

  On any other day, someone would accuse me of being ignorant. After all, my criticism of the Clippers does not appear to be based on anything relevant: I didn’t study the team’s roster, analyze their games, or read a single news article about them. The only basis for my opinion is a commercial that I happened to hear…a commercial for “Clipper Nation,” which is a program put on for Clippers’ fans, and moderated by Clippers’ fans—i.e., people who have actual knowledge of the team. Therefore, just because the show begins calling itself a place for fans to discuss next season before the current season is even half over, does not imply that the team is so bad that they have no hope whatsoever this season. So I should just shut the hell up, shouldn’t I?

  Or maybe you shouldn’t come up with “Epic Fail” statements. There’s an idea. And you can use it next year! Next Year! Next Year!

  • 4:43 pm
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