April 13, 2009

• Imagine what life would be like if McDonald’s served breakfast all day, and that you could buy an Egg McMuffin without having to wake up at 10:00 in the morning just so you could reach a McDonald’s before 10:30 a.m. That would be pretty awesome, wouldn’t it?

  Now imagine going to McDonald’s at 7:00 p.m., ordering an Egg McMuffin, and receiving a sandwich that is the size of a big rig’s tire. That’s right: you, eating a giant Egg McMuffin at 7:00 p.m. That’s not awesome—that’s heaven.

  And that, my friends, is the kind of heavenly-awesome experience I get whenever I read a news article about how some brilliant example of human intelligence thought it was a great idea to sneak into a zoo enclosure—only to end up having his dumbass chomped on by a wild animal.

  The best stories are the ones that have pictures of these losers getting owned by the animals. Those gems don’t come very often—which is too bad, really, because they are full of generous amounts of amusement…so much so that I bet you could probably end world hunger, achieve world peace, and cure herpes simply by distributing copies of zoo-animal-bum-rushes-douche-bag news stories that have pictures of the actual incident.

  Here, I’ll show you.

  Man Tries to Convert Lions to Jesus, Gets Bitten

  A man leaped into a lion’s den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts…

  

  Look! It doesn’t hurt when you pee anymore!

  And here’s an article I found on CNN’s website this morning:

  Polar Bear Attacks Woman at Berlin Zoo

  A polar bear attacked a woman at Berlin Zoo Friday afternoon after she climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time…

  

  Uweeheehee! Who says Christmas only comes once a year?

  Man, I love how these idiot douche bags always climb into the exhibits for animals with crazy-ass claws and teeth. You’ll never find a headline that says something weak like, “Tourist Crushed by Pissed-Off Galapagos Tortoise,” or “Flamingoes Peck and Poop Trespassing Visitor to Death.” It’s always “Tourist’s Affection Enrages Panda,” “Chinese Panda Mauls Teenage Boy,” or “Gu Gu Strikes Again! Panda Attacks Zoo Visitor.”

  Speaking of Gu Gu, he has got to be the most badass panda in the world. He hasn’t mangled just one dumbass—he’s bitten the sh*t out of three! Three! And he must have been using some super ninja skills or something because I haven’t found a single mid-mauling photograph of him. Can you believe it? Gu Gu’s punished three douche bags, and all I’ve been able to find are pictures of the third guy lying in a hospital bed. What an awesomely awesome ninja panda of awesomeness!

  Hopefully, the next time there is a report on Gu Gu beating on someone, there will be a picture accompanying the article. Are you kidding me? Of course he’s going to do it again! The fact that he has a track record is proof that he will have a fourth dumbass to chew on! And I imagine it will look something like this:

  

  

  Hell yes, that’s how it’s going to go down. He’s the world’s most badass panda!
   

  • 2:20 am
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