April 21, 2009

• Of all the seasons, my least favorite is summer. Not because of the sweltering heat, or the stench of people sweating profusely as a result of sweltering heat. Nor is it because of the exponential increase in mosquitoes trying to eat us alive. And it’s not even because of the greater risk of seeing Sasquatch-hairy backs and man-boobs as more men begin walking around shirtless. As unpleasant as all these things may be, they are not why summer is my least favorite season. No, the reason why I hate, hate, hate summer is because it is the season of migration: the muffin top migration.

  Yes, the dreaded muffin top migration. The muffin top hibernates during winter, and comes out in the summer to flap under the sun. Thus, in the same way that some people rely on a groundhog’s shadow to determine the beginning to spring, I rely on the appearance of a muffin top to warn me that hell summer is here. And apparently summer started early this year because today I saw not one, but two muffin tops:

  

  Of all the songs these girls could have sung, they decided to go with Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”—a choice that would have only made sense if the word “sexy” meant “total blindness.” The girl on the left had a spray-on tan that left her looking like she had been living in a bag of Cheetos for the past 10 years. Her friend on the right was wearing what I guess were “Daisy Dukes,” but looked more like “Make Me Pukes” on her cellulitey legs. Both of them were wearing camisoles that did not fit them, causing rolls of flab to form underneath their tops—and which were probably screaming, “Help me! Help me! I am being held against my will!”

  As disgusting as the rolls, Cheetos-tan, and “Make Me Pukes” were, however, none were nearly as nauseating as the giant-ass muffin tops that were hanging out for the entire world to see.

  For those of you who don’t know, a muffin top is a saggy layer of belly flab that is formed when a girl wears, like, a pair of jeans that are too small for her. But rather than putting on a pair that is actually in her size, the girl instead tries to stuff herself into a garment that does not have enough material to encompass her entire lower body. There is just enough room for her legs and most of her butt—but only because the jeans have managed to make extra space by pushing her belly out…where it must hang over the waistband in a sad mass of flab.

  

  

  

  Muffin tops do not only occur when wearing jeans; they can form when a girl wears a skirt, shorts, slacks, or any other bottom-piece of clothing. Look at the girls I saw today: one was in shorts and the other wore a skirt, and both had massive muffin tops sagging all over the place. If the bottoms are too small, then it is inevitable that a muffin top will be born.

  When you think about it, there shouldn’t even be such thing as a muffin top on something other than a muffin. What is so wrong with wearing clothes that actually fit your body? So you wear a size 48—so what? Most people can’t tell what size a person is just by looking at him, and especially not when that person is wearing clothes that fit.

  On the other hand, we all know when someone is wearing something that doesn’t fit, and are never fooled by girls who insist on squashing themselves into bottoms that are two sizes too small. Yeah, you might think you’re rocking size 0 shorts, but you’re actually rocking a muffin top, so you might want to consider doing something like—gee, I don’t know—wearing clothes that are actually in your own freaking size.

  • 10:26 pm
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