May 16, 2009

• Wacktoos

  Going blind is definitely not something I want to experience, but if it were to ever happen to me at least I could take comfort in knowing I’ll never have to see another whack-ass tattoo—or, as I like to call it, a wacktoo.

  Unlike a regular tattoo—which is usually a visual symbol that, when interpreted, will yield a meaningful message—a wacktoo cannot be interpreted as anything other than, “I am a dumbass poser.”

  There are many different types of wacktoos, but I’m only going to focus on the two I find most asshat-ish: unoriginal Chinese character tattoos, and name tattoos.

  Unoriginal Chinese Character Wacktoos

  Let’s get this disclaimer out of the way: not all Chinese-character tattoos are wacktoos, so don’t get pissy until after you read this entire section. The only ones which qualify for wacktoo status are tattoos of the characters for “love,” “dragon,” “power,” “wind,” “fire,” and “heart.” I don’t know what it is, but people who decide to get a Chinese character inked on their bodies always gravitate to one of those six. Do you all shop at “Claire’s” or something? Because you paid someone to permanently mark your body with a character that shows up on key chains you can buy at a kids’ accessory store.

  It’s bad enough that wacktoos of the characters for “love,” “dragon,” “power,” “wind,” “fire,” and “heart” are completely unoriginal—but the rationale behind choosing one of those symbols is equally generic. I mean, they are words, so it’s not like there is much to interpret. You have the character for “love” on your body? Then I guess that stands for—wait, don’t tell me—that you appreciate love? Wow…really had to dig deep for that one.

  Oh, and the “dragon” and “power” wacktoos—I love the meatheads who pick those! Because you know they were all thinking, “man, I am so strong, so I’m going to get a tattoo of the character for ‘power’ or ‘dragon’ to let everyone know that I am so strong!”

   

  As for the dumbasses who have a tattoo of “wind,” “fire,” or “heart,”—those guys are probably trying to summon Captain Planet…because when wacktoos combine, a blue man in red tights will fly out of your ass.

  Name Tattoos

  I’m not talking about getting a tattoo of someone else’s name on your body. The wacktoo I’m referring to is of your own name. I don’t think there is anything more WTF-worthy than seeing someone with a tattoo of her own name on her own body. I mean, what message were you trying to tell the world by making that brilliant decision? The only one I can come up with is that you are someone who can’t remember her own name—to the point where writing it on your hand with a ballpoint pen isn’t enough. You had to have it inked on your body—but not on an area you can easily see. Your tattoo is instead on your lower back, outside your field of vision!

   

  Dumbass.

  What tattoos do you think deserve wacktoo status?

  • 6:46 pm
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