May 27, 2009

• Every so often we will all come across someone who has been given the opportunity to have feet, but takes advantage of the privilege by committing F*ckery Foot—i.e., gross abuse of feet. These people misuse their feet by doing foul things like sitting cross-legged in restaurants, shaking one of their legs even when they don’t have an urgent need to pee, or biting their toe nails (bonus f*ckery points if they do it while sitting on a tree stump). Clearly, Mother Nature did not intend feet to be used in any of these ways, so if you’re doing an act F*ckery Foot, you’re basically committing a crime against Nature. Foot f*ckery, on the other hand, is A-O.K.

  A person who commits F*ckery Foot deserves to have his feet ripped off and waved at him (wouldn’t that just totally suck? Someone waving at you with your own feet? Ugh.)—but no one deserves it more than a person who does the ultimate act of F*ckery Foot…and I just so happened to witness such an act this afternoon.

  Today, while I was driving on the freeway, I ended up behind a truck—at least, I think it was a truck. I’m honestly not exactly sure because all I could see was this foot hanging out of the passenger side window. Yes, a foot—a corny-ass foot with bright fuchsia nail polish painted on each toenail, and a gold chain dangling off an ashy ankle. It was leaning outside the car against the passenger side mirror, thus forcing everyone behind the truck to view the reflection of the bottom of this person’s foot—which appeared to have been ravaged by fungus or something because the skin was jacked up. It was like someone took Freddy Krueger’s face and grafted it onto this woman’s heel. It was nasty as hell.

  

  Whenever I see someone sitting in the passenger’s seat of a moving car, with his leg dangling out of the window and his foot flapping in the wind, I start to hear that siren noise from Kill Bill—like when Uma Thurman first sees Vivica A. Fox in the first 5 minutes of Volume 1. It’s frustratingly disgusting. Have you ever thought about why someone would stick her foot out of a car window? It’s not because showing off your crusty, gnarled up toes is oh so classy (surprise, surprise). No, it’s because the person is airing out her foot. She’s using the wind to dry sweat, and blow the toe jam out from between her toes. And you know where that foul waste ends up? All over the people behind the car—people like me.

  Not only was the vision of this janky foot burned into my memory, I was in the unfortunate position of driving behind it. On the freeway! In traffic! That wasn’t a coincidence—it was Divine Retribution kicking my ass. And since this was not the O.J. Simpson trial, I knew my punishment actually fit whatever crime I had committed. Maybe I was a mass murderer in a past life? Or a ventriloquist? Oh man! Please don’t tell me I was a ventriloquist!
   

  • 2:31 am
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