May 29, 2009

• Back in March, one of my good friends sent me a message asking me, “is this you?” and included a link to a website. Worried about the possibility that nude photos of me had somehow ended up on the Internet—which could tarnish my reputation and threaten my nonexistent Xangalebrity status that only exists in my imagination—I clicked on the link and saw this:

  

  Yes, that is my face—but it’s on someone else’s MySpace page! Someone named Rose! And since I am pretty sure I was not separated at birth from a slutty twin sister, Rose is a complete stranger who is using my picture as her own. In fact, all of Rose’s pictures are of me—and were taken directly from my Xanga site!

  

  I know I am writing about this in May even though my friend had written to me back in March, but that’s because I couldn’t think about this MySpace page without becoming extremely pissed off. And when I am pissed off, I can’t write. My friends did try to placate my pissiness by telling me to look at the situation as a positive rather than a negative one. Having my photos used for someone else’s profile could be a sign that I have achieved a certain level of hotness. After all, no one steals pictures of ugly people—what’s the point of doing that when the person stealing it is usually ugly? He should just use his own picture, right?

  And Rose has to be, like, the fugliest person on Earth. She couldn’t even use what I call the Hotness-By-Cropping technique. Hotness-By-Cropping is done when someone puts up a cropped picture of one of her body parts—e.g., her eyes, lips, abs, etc.—instead of posting a photo of her whole face. Some people do this as a way of maintaining anonymity, but come on now: that’s not the first thing that comes to anyone’s mind when he or she sees a Hotness-By-Cropping profile picture. We’re actually thinking, “This person must think her face is fugly.” And if you think you’re a fug, then you must be.

  So this Rose person, being such a hot mess she couldn’t even use Hotness-By-Cropping, was complimenting me by stealing my photos and using them as her own on her MySpace profile. Whew! I feel so much better!

  NOT! I’m nowhere close to feeling even remotely better because that isn’t enough of a “bright side” to outshine my pissed-offness. I don’t care that my pictures were misappropriated; my problem is that my face is associated with a profile created by a dumbass!

  I mean, look at this sh*t!

  

  People are going to look at my picture and think, “Damn, she can’t even spell “girls” correctly! That’s probably because her highest level of education is ‘some college’.” Noooo!

  And the whole thing about “I’ll meet any freaks out there who wanna talk nasty” and “tell me everything you want me to do to you or that you want to do to me”—look at the guys who responded to this b*tch:

  

  *Barf!*

  • 12:05 am
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