I wanted to write a post about a recent conversation I had with a dumbass, but found that drawing it out was a much better way of conveying the experience.

I’m going to add this A.T.M. machine conversation to my ever-growing list of crappy moments. That I even have a list makes me think I’m destined for a lifetime of unpleasant experiences–which, in turn, means I will have blogging material until I die. I don’t know if that’s a good thing for any of you, though, because most of my experiences seem to involve doodoo. I’m pretty sure this one did as well. If the guy didn’t see the problem with saying “A.T.M. machine,” then I’ll bet he was also drinking a diarrhea latte and enjoyed it.

My sister and I are visiting our parents in Hawaii for a few days, and we’ve only been home for about 48 hours when we made a most horrifying discovery!

It happened when I took our dog out to the backyard to play. We have a lot of mango trees, and our dog likes to run behind them and explore. When I took him out this afternoon, he had decided to check out this tree by our pool. I expected him to do his usual routine of smelling around in search of some baby mangoes that had fallen on the ground, but instead he looked at something in the dirt and then came running back to the house. That was really unlike him, and it made me think he had maybe gotten stung by a centipede or something. So I went behind the tree to see what was wrong and I saw…a giant clump of doodoo!

It was just lying there behind the tree, where is must have been for awhile because it was dried out. And it was huge. There was no way our dog laid that turd. He’s a little Pomeranian; his entire doodoo chain is about the size of a house key. The poop pile in the backyard, however, was almost the same size as he was. What the hell, right? The last time I saw giant poop in the yard was back when our golden retriever Custard was still alive. He’s in Dog Heaven now, and probably pissed that someone desecrated his territory.

Since I knew a Pomeranian couldn’t have laid this mysterious giant turd, I came up with two theories about how the poop ended up in our yard:

1. My parents had secretly adopted a large dog and were hiding it from my sister and me for some reason.

2. Someone took a dump behind our mango tree (I had my money on this one because I couldn’t find a second dog anywhere in our house).

Anyway, I decided to ask my parents for answers. If anyone would know the origins of a random poop pile, it would be them because parents always seem to know the answers to everything. And I figured dinner would be the most opportune time to present my theories to them. But because the topic was about doots—which isn’t exactly the best thing to discuss while eating—I made sure to bring it up all sneaky-like.

DADDY: Is this today’s newspaper?

SISTER: Yes.

ME: Speaking of newspapers…did someone make doodoo in our yard?

Okay, so my transition needed work, but you wouldn’t have thought so if you saw my dad’s reaction—or, rather, lack thereof. Instead of being shocked at the news that there might be human poop in our backyard, my dad instead calmly replied, “It was the pool guy. He’s done that a few times already.”

Um…first of all, I didn’t know we still had a pool guy. Our pool looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in years: it is full of leaves, dead bees, and other random bits of debris. That is sort of the opposite of cleanliness, isn’t it?

Secondly, what the hell is this guy doing taking multiple dumps on a client’s property? And what does he wipe with? I didn’t see any traces of toilet paper or sh*t-smeared leaves anywhere near the turd pile—oh no…please don’t tell me he washes himself off in the pool!

According to my parents, our previous pool guy—who was, by the way, extremely professional and always did a thorough job—stopped working for the maintenance company, and was replaced by this pop-a-squat new guy three months ago. This guy can’t clean a pool to save his life. He did improve after my parents joined other clients in complaining about his performance, but he has recently started doing shoddy work again. I think it’s pretty obvious this guy is a lazy ass. Hello! He took a dump on someone else’s property!

My parents are 100% sure the pool guy is the culprit, but they won’t file a complaint until they have actual proof. Unfortunately, he only comes Wednesdays while my parents are working, and that means evidence is hard to come by. My sister and I, however, are going to be home for a few days and have decided to put an end to his disgusting doodoo-ing. He’s scheduled for tomorrow, so we have come up with a few ideas on how to achieve our goal:

1. A Sign

We will make a sign out of a chopstick and a notecard, with a message written in pidgin. And then we’ll stick the sign into the doodoo so that the next time the pool guy needs to take a dump, he will see the sign and realize we are on to him!

2. Surveillance Camera/Replay

For this plan, we will hide a surveillance camera somewhere in the mango tree and record the pool guy when he runs back there to crap.

Once we catch him in the act, we’ll play the footage on a screen that will magically appear behind him. Not only will he see himself being a disgusting asshat, he will also realize we are on to him! 

3. Poopy Trap

And finally, our last plan of punishment is to set up a poopy trap. When the pool guy goes behind the tree and steps on a certain spot, it will activate a slingshot hiding in the branches. The slingshot will then hurl his dried up doots into his face, and he will know we are on to him!

So! Which plan do you think we should go with?

Can you spot the differences between the two drawings?

Those are pictures of the trash room in my apartment complex. The first one is what the room is supposed to look like: it is nice and clean, and has a fully intact black recycling bin located right across the trash chute. The second picture is what the room actually looks like: there are trash bags on the floor, flies and gnats all over the place, and the recycling bin doesn’t have a lid.

When I first moved in, the bin still had a lid that looked like this:

The top had the message “bottles and cans” printed on it in large white letters, which I interpreted to mean that the recycling bin was for bottles and cans only. Someone, however, threw the lid away so he could throw in his Domino’s Pizza box.

I didn’t see the logic in that at first, but then I put on my Retarded Douche Bag Hat. You should always keep one handy in case you find yourself stuck dealing with a dumbass.

Anyway, the Retarded Douche Bag Hat helped me see that sure, the lid said “bottles and cans,” but it didn’t say “no pizza boxes.” And if ”no pizza boxes” wasn’t printed on the lid, then it can only mean one thing: “yes” to pizza boxes. Duh.

Unfortunately, you can’t fit a box through a hole that is only big enough for a bottle or can. Under those circumstances, it makes perfect sense to throw the lid away. Thank goodness the trash chute is conveniently located!

Ever since the lid’s mysterious disappearance, some residents have begun using the recycling bin as a trash can. Why they would do this when there is freaking trash chute in front of the bin is beyond me. Maybe they think it’s an oven or something, I don’t know, but finding the recycling bin full of someone else’s garbage has started to piss me off. As someone who gets her vitamins and nutrients primarily from foods that come in bottles and cans, I am often able to fill the bin with just a week’s worth of glass, plastic, and aluminum containers. So I like knowing that while I am probably cutting my life short with my bad eating habits, at least I am doing it in an Earth-friendly way.

However! Now that people have started filling up the recycling bin with their trash, my attempts to live like a greenie have hit a somewhat burdensome snag. But instead of saying “screw you, Mother Earth!” and throwing my bottles and cans down the trash chute, I take the time to fish the garbage bags out of the bin. I’ve been doing this for months now, just for the sake of buying my way into Heaven the planet.

At first, removing the trash bags from the bin didn’t annoy me much. I mean, it was disgusting for sure–especially whenever the bags were leaky or contained rotten food–but I didn’t mind since the trash chute was so close that I didn’t have to handle the bags for longer than a few seconds.

But then there was last Tuesday–the day Mother Earth decided to b*tch slap me with her balls. I had gone to the trash room with my weekly collection of bottles and cans and, as usual, found garbage bags in the recycling bin. And as usual, I began removing the bags and throwing them down the chute.

Trash always smells like crap, but one particular bag smelled crappier than usual. I grabbed it and was all ready to throw it down the chute when I suddenly felt something warm fall onto my foot.

The trash bag was filled with dirty diapers that were so heavy they broke through the bottom of the bag. And that warm thing I felt was a diaper. It was overflowing with so much steamy sh*t that my foot ended up covered in the most noxious brown paste to ever come out of a human body. Even I haven’t dumped a load that foul, and I eat junk every single day!

I’ve had it with the recycling bin abuse. That incident was the sh*t that broke the camel’s back, and I’m done putting up with dumbass residents. Therefore, I am going to make a new lid for the recycling bin. I have the materials to do this, I only need a kick ass phrase to put on the top because just having “bottles and cans” printed on it is not enough. Remember: I am dealing with Retarded Douche Bags who basically deserve getting their asses owned by a makeshift lid.

And who better to ask for input than you guys, right? I’ve read your comments, and many of you have deliciously snarky humor.  So dearest readers, what phrases do you suggest I put on the lid? The meaner they are, the better…oh, and in as many foreign languages as possible…we definitely want to cover all the bases, you know?

No one should have to experience feces foot! And with your help, we can eliminate this evil and make the world a better place!