July 12, 2009

• Can you spot the differences between the two drawings?

  

  

  Those are pictures of the trash room in my apartment complex. The first one is what the room is supposed to look like: it is nice and clean, and has a fully intact black recycling bin located right across the trash chute. The second picture is what the room actually looks like: there are trash bags on the floor, flies and gnats all over the place, and the recycling bin doesn’t have a lid.

  When I first moved in, the bin still had a lid that looked like this:

  

  The top had the message “bottles and cans” printed on it in large white letters, which I interpreted to mean that the recycling bin was for bottles and cans only. Someone, however, threw the lid away so he could throw in his Domino’s Pizza box.

  I didn’t see the logic in that at first, but then I put on my Retarded Douche Bag Hat. You should always keep one handy in case you find yourself stuck dealing with a dumbass.

  Anyway, the Retarded Douche Bag Hat helped me see that sure, the lid said “bottles and cans,” but it didn’t say “no pizza boxes.” And if ”no pizza boxes” wasn’t printed on the lid, then it can only mean one thing: “yes” to pizza boxes. Duh.

  Unfortunately, you can’t fit a box through a hole that is only big enough for a bottle or can. Under those circumstances, it makes perfect sense to throw the lid away. Thank goodness the trash chute is conveniently located!

  Ever since the lid’s mysterious disappearance, some residents have begun using the recycling bin as a trash can. Why they would do this when there is freaking trash chute in front of the bin is beyond me. Maybe they think it’s an oven or something, I don’t know, but finding the recycling bin full of someone else’s garbage has started to piss me off. As someone who gets her vitamins and nutrients primarily from foods that come in bottles and cans, I am often able to fill the bin with just a week’s worth of glass, plastic, and aluminum containers. So I like knowing that while I am probably cutting my life short with my bad eating habits, at least I am doing it in an Earth-friendly way.

  However! Now that people have started filling up the recycling bin with their trash, my attempts to live like a greenie have hit a somewhat burdensome snag. But instead of saying “screw you, Mother Earth!” and throwing my bottles and cans down the trash chute, I take the time to fish the garbage bags out of the bin. I’ve been doing this for months now, just for the sake of buying my way into Heaven the planet.

  At first, removing the trash bags from the bin didn’t annoy me much. I mean, it was disgusting for sure–especially whenever the bags were leaky or contained rotten food–but I didn’t mind since the trash chute was so close that I didn’t have to handle the bags for longer than a few seconds.

  But then there was last Tuesday–the day Mother Earth decided to b*tch slap me with her balls. I had gone to the trash room with my weekly collection of bottles and cans and, as usual, found garbage bags in the recycling bin. And as usual, I began removing the bags and throwing them down the chute.

  

  Trash always smells like crap, but one particular bag smelled crappier than usual. I grabbed it and was all ready to throw it down the chute when I suddenly felt something warm fall onto my foot.

  

  The trash bag was filled with dirty diapers that were so heavy they broke through the bottom of the bag. And that warm thing I felt was a diaper. It was overflowing with so much steamy sh*t that my foot ended up covered in the most noxious brown paste to ever come out of a human body. Even I haven’t dumped a load that foul, and I eat junk every single day!

  I’ve had it with the recycling bin abuse. That incident was the sh*t that broke the camel’s back, and I’m done putting up with dumbass residents. Therefore, I am going to make a new lid for the recycling bin. I have the materials to do this, I only need a kick ass phrase to put on the top because just having “bottles and cans” printed on it is not enough. Remember: I am dealing with Retarded Douche Bags who basically deserve getting their asses owned by a makeshift lid.

  And who better to ask for input than you guys, right? I’ve read your comments, and many of you have deliciously snarky humor.  So dearest readers, what phrases do you suggest I put on the lid? The meaner they are, the better…oh, and in as many foreign languages as possible…we definitely want to cover all the bases, you know?

  No one should have to experience feces foot! And with your help, we can eliminate this evil and make the world a better place!

  • 3:43 pm
  • 32 Comments