July 21, 2009

• My sister and I are visiting our parents in Hawaii for a few days, and we’ve only been home for about 48 hours when we made a most horrifying discovery!

  It happened when I took our dog out to the backyard to play. We have a lot of mango trees, and our dog likes to run behind them and explore. When I took him out this afternoon, he had decided to check out this tree by our pool. I expected him to do his usual routine of smelling around in search of some baby mangoes that had fallen on the ground, but instead he looked at something in the dirt and then came running back to the house. That was really unlike him, and it made me think he had maybe gotten stung by a centipede or something. So I went behind the tree to see what was wrong and I saw…a giant clump of doodoo!

  

  It was just lying there behind the tree, where is must have been for awhile because it was dried out. And it was huge. There was no way our dog laid that turd. He’s a little Pomeranian; his entire doodoo chain is about the size of a house key. The poop pile in the backyard, however, was almost the same size as he was. What the hell, right? The last time I saw giant poop in the yard was back when our golden retriever Custard was still alive. He’s in Dog Heaven now, and probably pissed that someone desecrated his territory.

  Since I knew a Pomeranian couldn’t have laid this mysterious giant turd, I came up with two theories about how the poop ended up in our yard:

  1. My parents had secretly adopted a large dog and were hiding it from my sister and me for some reason.

  2. Someone took a dump behind our mango tree (I had my money on this one because I couldn’t find a second dog anywhere in our house).

  Anyway, I decided to ask my parents for answers. If anyone would know the origins of a random poop pile, it would be them because parents always seem to know the answers to everything. And I figured dinner would be the most opportune time to present my theories to them. But because the topic was about doots—which isn’t exactly the best thing to discuss while eating—I made sure to bring it up all sneaky-like.

  DADDY: Is this today’s newspaper?

  SISTER: Yes.

  ME: Speaking of newspapers…did someone make doodoo in our yard?

  Okay, so my transition needed work, but you wouldn’t have thought so if you saw my dad’s reaction—or, rather, lack thereof. Instead of being shocked at the news that there might be human poop in our backyard, my dad instead calmly replied, “It was the pool guy. He’s done that a few times already.”

  Um…first of all, I didn’t know we still had a pool guy. Our pool looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in years: it is full of leaves, dead bees, and other random bits of debris. That is sort of the opposite of cleanliness, isn’t it?

  Secondly, what the hell is this guy doing taking multiple dumps on a client’s property? And what does he wipe with? I didn’t see any traces of toilet paper or sh*t-smeared leaves anywhere near the turd pile—oh no…please don’t tell me he washes himself off in the pool!

  According to my parents, our previous pool guy—who was, by the way, extremely professional and always did a thorough job—stopped working for the maintenance company, and was replaced by this pop-a-squat new guy three months ago. This guy can’t clean a pool to save his life. He did improve after my parents joined other clients in complaining about his performance, but he has recently started doing shoddy work again. I think it’s pretty obvious this guy is a lazy ass. Hello! He took a dump on someone else’s property!

  My parents are 100% sure the pool guy is the culprit, but they won’t file a complaint until they have actual proof. Unfortunately, he only comes Wednesdays while my parents are working, and that means evidence is hard to come by. My sister and I, however, are going to be home for a few days and have decided to put an end to his disgusting doodoo-ing. He’s scheduled for tomorrow, so we have come up with a few ideas on how to achieve our goal:

  1. A Sign

  

  We will make a sign out of a chopstick and a notecard, with a message written in pidgin. And then we’ll stick the sign into the doodoo so that the next time the pool guy needs to take a dump, he will see the sign and realize we are on to him!

  2. Surveillance Camera/Replay

  

  For this plan, we will hide a surveillance camera somewhere in the mango tree and record the pool guy when he runs back there to crap.

  

  Once we catch him in the act, we’ll play the footage on a screen that will magically appear behind him. Not only will he see himself being a disgusting asshat, he will also realize we are on to him! 

  3. Poopy Trap

  

  And finally, our last plan of punishment is to set up a poopy trap. When the pool guy goes behind the tree and steps on a certain spot, it will activate a slingshot hiding in the branches. The slingshot will then hurl his dried up doots into his face, and he will know we are on to him!

  So! Which plan do you think we should go with?

  • 4:41 pm
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