August 19, 2009

• Let’s see how many times I can talk about pubic hairs without actually calling them “pubic hairs.”

  There was a time when I had no interest in any form of pubic landscaping…but then I got my period. Ah yes, there is nothing in this world that will jumpstart your anti-pube movement like the experience of finding a menstrual clot hiding in your forest. And you won’t even know it’s there until you take a shower, when the water washes a dark red Man O’ War-like mass out of your pubes.

  I started out by shaving off my bush, but upgraded to waxing when I noticed that not only did more hairs start growing out of my pants, they were thicker too. I don’t know why people say the shaving/thicker hairs thing is a myth because I’ve seen it happen, and there is a huge difference between pre- and post-shaving pubes. The strands from my bush were so thick you could use one to pry open a window.

  The moment I strayed from the path of the Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pussy, however, I knew there was no return. None. I know because I’ve tried to live with a beaver a number of times. Each attempt ended with me sitting in awkward positions, trying to tear out any strand of hair I could see being reflected in a mirror that was practically up my butt.

  The problem stems from the thick hairs that now plague my va-jay-jay area. They are extremely prickly, and if I get lazy and let them grow to a quarter of an inch, they become too long to fit under my panties. At the same time, they are too thick to break through the fabric, so they instead are bent downwards, where they stab at me in protest.

  

  They only attack when I’m moving around—you know, because of friction and stuff—and it can become extremely itchy. Can’t scratch your pubic area without looking like a pervert with some disease, so I end up having to deal with it by walking bow-legged in an attempt to minimize the hairs’ movements as much as I can. This solution, however, also has a negative attribute:

  

  

  But at least it’s not so damn itchy!

  So, until I save enough money to get laser treatments, I’m pretty much stuck with waxing—it’s either that or I learn to get used to looking like a pervert with some disease. Hmm…I choose waxing. I give myself a Brazilian bikini wax every 6 weeks or so, and am constantly on the lookout for any suspicious underbrush that might try to take root on my private plot. Any wayward pube I find is going to get torn out one way or another because my garden is a no-pubes zone.

  The downsides to waxing: it is a time consuming process that is generally messy and painful, and which has resulted in occasional skin and blood loss. When this happens, I have to go back to walking bow-legged to keep my tore-up va-jay-jay from stinging me.

  

  

  Argh! Why can’t I win? Why? Why? Why?

  • 6:16 pm
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