August 30, 2009

• Unless you have an aura of scary/shadiness, a complete stranger has probably asked you to watch his stuff him while he ran a quick errand:

  

  I call this type of favor Stuff-Watching Duty because I am clever, and because when you’re on Stuff-Watching Duty, you’re watching someone else’s stuff while that person is away.

  Those of you who have been approached by a stranger have probably said “yes” at least once. I would say “yes” too—and I have on a number of occasions. But my willingness to go on Stuff-Watching Duty has changed. It happened when I was at the Taipei airport waiting for my flight to board. As a result of my crappy packing skills, I wound up carrying two bags of stuff along with my pillow, purse, and laptop.

  Twenty minutes before boarding, I had to go to the bathroom. But I didn’t want to lug all my things around because (1) it was a pain in the ass, and (2) I knew some of my stuff was going to end up on the floor—something I was totally opposed to. Putting things anywhere on a bathroom floor is disgusting enough, but the toilets at this airport were all squatter-types. That meant there was a good chance the floor had layer of dried pee. Placing my bag of snack cakes would effectively turn them into urinal cakes.

  So instead of bringing everything with me, I put the pillow and bags on some seats located outside the restroom. There was a woman sitting there, and I was tempted to ask her for a Stuff-Watching Duty favor, but something suddenly occurred to me: if someone actually stole my items, could I really expect the woman to do anything about it? She was doing a favor for me, a person she’d never met before and will probably never see again. Aside from maybe reacting in horror, what more could I expect her to do if a thief ran off with my laptop?

  That train of thought led me to realize this: when someone asks you to watch her things, she doesn’t mean she wants you to literally keep an eye on them. What she’s asking you to do is make sure no one tries to take her stuff while she’s off squatting over a smelly urinal or whatever. But what if, in your attempt to keep suspicious-looking people away, someone actually takes the very thing you agreed to watch?

  I’ll use an example. Let’s say I’m at school 45 minutes early because I have miscalculated how long it would take me to travel 3 miles (note to self: I do not have to leave my place an hour early) am super enthusiastic about my education. I end up sitting in the classroom by myself for about 20 minutes before a fellow student shows up. I have never spoken to this person before, and yet she asks me if I would watch her purse for her while she is away. I agree to do help her out because I figure: it’s not like I’m doing anything or going anywhere anytime soon, so what’s the harm in watching her purse for her? Plus, it’ll give me something to do to with the 25 minutes left before class starts. Damn my super-enthusiasm!

  Being on Stuff-Watching Duty, I’m required to keep this purse safe from being stolen. If a suspicious-looking person gets too close for comfort, however, the most I’d probably do is give a verbal warning.

  

  Yes, I imagine suspicious-looking individuals to look like Mayor McCheese.

  But what if Mayor McCheese ignores my warning and runs off with the purse? Am I supposed to chase after him and get it back? I wouldn’t expect anyone to do that for me but, for all I know, I could be the only person who feels that way. And then I’d be held responsible for letting a scary, walking cheeseburger steal someone’s purse.

  To avoid the possibility of confusion, I’ve decided to make strangers who want me to be on Stuff-Watching Duty sign disclaimer forms. The form will let them know that I am limiting my duty to verbal warnings, and will not be responsible if any Mayor McCheeses choose not to pay attention to my existence.

  

  

  

  • 8:05 pm
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