September 2, 2009
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Meet my butt:
Butt and I have always had a great relationship–one based on trust and mutual respect.
As my body’s primary exit orifice, Butt has the very important job of getting all the stinky gas and poop I’ve accumulated out of my system. This is by no means an easy task, especially if you’re my butt because my daily diet consists of cheddar cheese and coffee. Most butts would have quit after a day, but Butt is different. It thrives in challenging situations, and practically welcomes them. Got a rock-hard doot kernel that won’t fit through your butt hole? Butt will squeeze it out–even if it means it has to sit on the toilet for 10 minutes, and push so hard your face turns red and your body sweats bullets. Sudden gas attack when you’re in a crowded room? Not only will Butt release the tension without making a sound, it will do it with such force that the toxic fart will smell like it’s coming from someone else.
Despite all the great things Butt does for me, I can’t bestow it with the title of Awesomely Awesome Butt of Awesomeness. I’d like to, but I can’t because unfortunately, it has one very unpleasant flaw:
No, I don’t have a problem with my butt having sharp teeth (whose doesn’t?). My problem with Butt is that it likes to eat toilet paper.
It happens randomly. I’ll be wiping myself clean after taking a satisfying dump, and Butt will suddenly take a bite out of the 2-ply:
I don’t understand where this behavior is coming from. Butt and I have always worked according to certain rules, one being “no clenching during a wipe.” And it’s usually very mindful of the importance of obedience, which is why I find this occasional rebellion so shocking…and disgusting. Sure, Butt’s happy about having a snack, but what about me? I mean, there’s a scrap of toilet paper up my butt. What am I supposed to do? Leave it there? It’s probably got crap on it! I’ve got no choice but to do the unthinkable before this doodoo tissue rots in my ass–i.e., I have to pick it out.
And forget trying to have a heart-to-heart with Butt. It never listens anyway. I bet it’ll just blame me for causing its snack attacks.
Damn you, Butt. Damn you!
Comments (74)
How could your butt do that to you?
you are the greatest.
LOL! I love your illustrations (I think I say that every time I comment here, but it’s true). I think Butt just wants you to use nicer toilet paper.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha
this has got the be the most epic post EVER. o3o
Well, I think you’re being selfish. >:O Butt has done so much for you. Butt has been there for you through thick and thin. Everybody has flaws, shouldn’t you just accept the fact that Butt likes to much on toilet paper and love it for what it is?
Hahaha… you are hilarious. Apparently no topic is taboo for you. Nice Butt, btw. HA!
That is one misbehaving Butt.
Sometimes I’ve had shits that have been such epic fails that I just take my clothes off right then and there and take a shower so I can scrub my ass.
AWSOME!!!!!!!!
This seems rather…random, but thusly, awesome.
I like the cats…
wow your butt has some wicked force!! lol
Very funny, friend. I sometimes wonder where you get such a great sense of humor. You know something, friend, you brighten my day and make me laugh even on my most bluest of days with your funny, upbeat blogs. peace out
S.C.
lol hilarious
hi butt!
if you look on the bright side, your butt having teeth means you’ll never have anal sex.
well, if that isn’t your thing anyway.
Soap and water after the duty is next to godliness and cleaner laundry.
you have finally crossed my threshold of TMI which is pretty high…
LLOLOOOLLOLOL “eat more fibre”
Hence, the bidet.
this one is kinda gross
hahahahaha! too funny!
*laughing until crying*
LOl
The fiber punchline in the last comic is a riot!! LOL!
There are many bodily functions you can and poke fun at. Getting TP stuck in the bunghole … it’s just sounds bizarre coming from a woman (not that it would not sound bizarre from a guy, but it would be less bizarre).
Omfg my butt does that too.
ROFL.
Still lol’ing.
Cute ass. :p
Thanks for making the workday go by with some decent CubeLOL’s.
Maybe a compromise is in order?
omg, always the best illustrations! funny!
“Butt has the very important job of getting all the stinky gas and poop I’ve accumulated out of my system.“
What are you talking about? Women don’t fart…
You’re too, funnay!
Suppose it is revenge for all of our feeding it dick? Nah.
time to upgrade to paper towels! Bounty instead of Charmin! or Cottonelle lol
LMAOOOOO.
Hahaha, this is hilarious.
It is so awesome that you wrote an entire blog entry about your relationship with your butt.
I loved this post! You’re a great writer.
That’s a surprisingly white ass.
Hehe, perhaps your technique could use a little more polishing.
lol i was tentative to click cause i was afraid this was another “my ass is cute! isnt it?” post.
lol. was greatly rewarded! teh awesomes.
TMI!
orly? they eat TP for bfast, lunch, AND dinner?
hmmmm,
regards.
trulytito
(tito dutta)
you need to let Butt know who is the boss
hahaha
You r so funny! U have a way of putting an aspect of our daily life into words and”humouring” it, albeit quite gross *blek* hehe
I knew your cats could add some color commentary! (Even though the little gray one didn’t seem to know what was going on.)
I showed it to my husband this morning. He thinks you’re funny.
Major props for posting this.
Mean butt!
I love your kitty cats!
get the anal stretcher 5000
Maybe you should change your bath tissue? I use Scott tissue and I don’t have those butt munching issues. hehe
haha, this entire thing is awful.
OH MY OH MY….that just pretty much made my week
@snippetsofstories -
I agree, more entries featuring the cute kitties pls.
This post…
is weird.
Hahahaha! What a wonderful, humorous post this is =D Thank you for bringing a little more laughter to my life!
omg LOL. how wonderfully informative and disgustingly absurd at the same time
you had me at the mspaint pic where u were talking to your butt with your three cats waiting outside. u never cease to amaze me. how do you do it…?
just when i think you can’t outdo yourself, your butt comes in to save the day! ahaha
LOOOOOOLLLLLLL nice…..yum yum yum…..
Hahaha Hilarious!
When a butt misbehaves, you need to spank it, or let me spank it. LOL I kid I kid…
*maybe* ^___^
thats a scary butt
You are too cutely gross!
The world would be a better place with bidets.
No topic is off-limits for you. I love it.
oh. my. gosh. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. HILARIOUS! This post is amazing.
LOL!
& I love the illustrations. The cats are so cute! =^..^=
LOL!!!
Switch to wetwipes?
You have some serious issues ! Ha ha ha ha ha I couldn’t stop laughing OMG …I could hardly breathe I was laughing sooo hard! FUNNY,FUNNY,FUNNY!
lol! very few bloggers can make me laugh these days, but you are hilarious. i love your comics, and that you are bold enough to share this information even if it means discomforting others. the commentary is hilarious (“TMI”).