December 24, 2009

• I love Christmas, but I hate shopping for gifts. I never know what to get for others, and don’t want to waste money on something the recipient does not need. Luckily, I’ve been able to avoid the stress and strain that comes with gift-giving. My parents only want Taiwanese snacks–stuff they cannot get on their own because the only 99 Ranch Market in the state went out of business–and my sister and I don’t exchange presents to begin with. And my friends and I don’t buy gifts for each other we’re all living on a budget, and are well aware of each other’s need to save. Of course, working with this system means I don’t receive many presents–but that’s okay because it also means I get to avoid crowded malls, traffic jams, irate last-minute-shoppers, and all the tension and frustration that comes with Christmas shopping.

  That doesn’t mean I don’t understand the plight of the Christmas shopper. I feel really bad for all those people who are still running around on Christmas Eve, trying to find something for every single person on their lists. Last-minute shopping sucks ass, and if you’re still struggling right now–don’t worry. I have created an emergency backup plan that will help you get out of buying presents for the remaining people on your list–and might even make it so that you won’t have to buy a gift for another person ever again!

  To understand how the plan works, you have to ask yourself something: Why would you give a gift to A but not B? The holidays are when people are feeling most generous, but not to the point where we’d give a present to a random person on the street. And we don’t give presents to everyone we know either. We instead limit our generosity to those we feel more connected to, e.g., close friends, family members, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, etc.

  So if you don’t want to buy someone a gift, all you have to do is change his status from being “closely connected” to “ehhh…” You have to weaken the connection. And the methods you need to use depend on whom you are dealing with:

      1. Family Members

  How do you break a blood connection, you ask? You say you’re adopted, of course!

  

  

  Can’t buy a gift for a family member who isn’t really family!

      2. Friends

  You’d only buy gifts for someone you’re good friends with…but what if she’s someone you’re not all that friendly with?

  

  

  Friends no more!

  Note: Obviously, you’d have to tailor whatever you say to the specific person you’re dealing with. For instance, if your friend is single then say you’re banging one of his relatives. I have found that using one of the grandparents is especially effective.

      3. Co-Workers

  Some of us might not necessarily give our co-workers anything, but you might have to if your office is doing some Secret Santa thing. In that case, you’d have to buy your co-worker a gift–but only if he’s actually a co-worker.

  

  

  You’re probably wondering: Now that I’ve successfully demoted myself in the eyes of my friends and family, what happens once Christmas has passed? How will I ever change things back to how they were before December 25th?

  Don’t worry about stuff like that! Everything will be back to normal by April!

  

  Saved!

  Happy Holidays!

  • 9:26 pm
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