June 7, 2010

• I had the opportunity to do something super amazing last week. It’s something I am sure very few people will ever get the chance to experience in their lives, and you’re all going to be so jealous of me by the end of this post!

  I was at home studying for the bar exam–yes, I am doing that sh*t again, but this time it’s for the California bar. Passing the Hawaii exam isn’t enough to get me a job right now–in fact, it actually limits me because I am restricted to whatever options are available in one state, and there aren’t that many. But while I do like having all the free time that comes with being unemployed, my parents are not as thrilled, so I’ll have to get a job eventually. After all, I probably owe them that much…you know, in return for giving me life and stuff.

  As I was saying: I was studying for the bar exam when the gallons of coffee I had consumed suddenly decided it was time to be free. I headed to the bathroom, and right before I sat down on the toilet, I noticed something on the seat. I couldn’t really tell what it was because my eyes were still blurry from reading pages and pages of tiny text, but it kind of looked like a small piece of thread.

  

  As I leaned in for a closer look, however, what I thought was a piece of thread turned out to be a giant silverfish!

  

  I don’t know how it got there, or why it decided to hang out on a toilet seat, but it was nasty as all hell and had to be destroyed.

  Luckily, I didn’t have to do much to get rid of it because the silverfish sensed my presence, freaked out, and ran into the toilet bowl.

     

  Since that was taken care of, I was able to get back to business…

  

  Who’s in danger? Urine danger!

  Note: I had told a friend this story earlier, and he was like, “Ugh, I can’t believe you peed on it! You should have flushed the toilet first.” But why wouldn’t I pee on it? It was in the bowl, which just so happened to be where I needed to deposit my pee. And it wasn’t going to jump up and bite me on the ass, so there was no need for me to flush it down first. That’d just be a waste of water.

  Once I was done, I flushed my waste and the silverfish away.

  

  What hadn’t been flushed away, however, was this mystery: why was the silverfish on the toilet seat, and how did it even get there in the first place?

  I thought about these questions for two days–even putting my studies on hold because there was no way I was going to be able to focus on anything other than that damn silverfish. Did it fall from the vent? It’s right above the toilet, but there is no way it would have been able to get through the filter. Had it crawled out from the back of the toilet? Did one of the cats put it there?

  Just when it started to seem as if the hours I’d spent wracking my brain for answers would be in vain, I remembered something that happened about a year and a half ago. I was just about to go to sleep one night…

     

  I can’t draw perspectives for crap, and this is the closest I got to in terms of giving you an overhead view of the tub:

     

  Indeed, the thing that I saw in the tub was a huge brown spider! I mean, it was just huge! Its legs were all…ugh…and its bulbous body…! It was so vile!

  I wasn’t going to let that monstrous creature stay there–hell no! But I wasn’t going to rely on the catch-it-in-some-toilet-paper-and-crush-it-to-death method my parents use when dealing with insects because I was not that brave.

  I instead took the easy way out and washed it down the drain with hot water.

  

  Problem solved? Not quite. You see, the next morning…

     

  No way…no freakin’ way…!

  

  It was back in my bathtub, even when I’d washed it away with hot water! It was back again, in all its disgusting glory! Its legs were all…ugh…its bulbous body…*barf*! This wasn’t an ordinary spider–this was the itsy-bitsy spider on ‘roids!

  If hot water wasn’t enough to kill it, I knew I had to resort to extreme measures:

  

  I went to the kitchen and came back with a pot of boiling water.

            

  Uwee hee! That thing turned into a crunchy ball the second the water touched its body.

  How is this relevant to the silverfish being on my toilet seat? It’s so obvious!

  

  Thanks to my superior analytical skills, I’ve clearly solved the “why” question! Now all that’s left is the “how”!

  Hey, look! We’re at the end of this post! I bet you’re just dying of jealousy, aren’t you? Aren’t you? I pissed on a silverfish! Wouldn’t that make anyone jealous?

  

  • 3:20 pm
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