October 2, 2010

• A good friend was on “Facebook” one day and saw that a former classmate of ours swamp donkey had posted this status update:

  “My cat and I are eating Cocoa Puffs!”

  If you’ve had a dog or cat before, then you’re aware that chocolate is something they’re not supposed to eat. Then again, even if you’ve never owned a pet at all, you probably know this anyway. This isn’t newly discovered information, or knowledge you only acquire upon raising an animal. Pet owners and many non-pet owners know that there is something about chocolate that is dangerous to cats and dogs.

  So when my friend told me what Swamp Donkey had posted, I didn’t believe him at first. Sure, this girl had an unfounded elitist attitude, an awful personality, and a reputation for talking trash about her own best friends—thus making her one of the most disliked members of the student body—but she couldn’t be so irresponsible that she would wind up poisoning her own cat. Her cat is probably the only thing on this planet that doesn’t hate her.

  I couldn’t verify this myself because I didn’t have access to Swamp Donkey’s page. I am not her friend, and have no intention of ever “friending” her. My friend, likewise, had not “friended” her either, but was able to see the status updates because they were both in our law school’s “Facebook” group—a group I’ve refrained from joining for two reasons: (1) I don’t care about “Facebook” enough to bother doing stuff like that, and (2) several of my professors were members of the group. The latter is a bigger factor because, from what I understand, once you join a group all the other members have access to your site regardless of whether or not they are on your “Friends” list. Thus, if I joined my law school’s group, my professors would be able to view my page—and there is something really uncomfortable about that. I don’t have any incriminating photos, controversial postings, or anything else that would reflect negatively on me (that stuff is reserved for Xanga)—but still, there is something weird about professors and students having access to each other’s sites. A professor is a student’s superior, and you typically wouldn’t interact with your professor the same way you do when you’re with your friends. Another way of phrasing it: you are one version of yourself in front of your professor—or any other superior—and another in front of your peers. Blurring the two makes things weird in a way I can’t really explain, but that’s what you’re doing when you let your professors access your “Facebook” page, and vice-versa.

  Anyway…

  I couldn’t see Swamp Donkey’s status update on my own, so my friend showed me his laptop screen. And sure enough, she had indeed been eating “Cocoa Puffs” with her cat.

  Someone had the sense to respond with, “Umm…I don’t think chocolate is good for cats.” This probably wasn’t forceful enough to get the point across because Swamp Donkey’s reply was, “But he loves Cocoa Puffs!”

  Perhaps she thought the only bad thing about giving her cat chocolate was that he might gain weight…I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is she pissed off the cat lady in me, and now I’m going to have to do something about it.

  So I’ve decided to b*tch slap some information into Swamp Donkey–and what better way to do it than through the magic of “Paint”? I might be wrong, but I think you can post pictures and stuff on a person’s wall. If that’s the case, I’m going to join my school’s “Facebook” group so I can gain access to Swamp Donkey’s page, and then post the pictures there.

  Here’s what I’ve got so far:

  

  

  

  

  

  

  And then I’m going to throw in a reminder at the end–kind of like a mini review so she won’t forget this important lesson.

  I can’t decide which one I should use, though. Should I go with this one:

  

  Or this one:

  

  I’m also open to any suggestions you might have.

  

  I hope this works. I tried my best to make is coherent, but we are talking about a swamp donkey here.

  

  • 3:50 pm
  • 34 Comments