I just got a call from an ex-boyfriend who was looking for some advice. I normally wouldn’t answer the phone, but the caller I.D. showed that the number was “unknown”–which is the same thing I get whenever someone from my doctor’s office calls. And it just so happens that I was expecting a call from my doctor regarding a prescription, and answered my cell thinking it was her. But instead of having a pleasant chat with my super-nice physician, I ended up having a conversation with an ex I hadn’t spoken to since we broke up years ago (yeah, my number is pretty old).

While I don’t believe in keeping in touch with former flames, I can’t say I regret accidentally answering my phone. I actually found our brief tête-à-tête rather amusing–in fact, it was so amusing that I wanted to share it with you! Plus, I think the ex said something like “you better not blog about this,” which I automatically interpreted to mean “you should definitely blog about this.” Seriously, if there is one thing I hate more than anything else, it’s when people–not just exes–lecture me on what not to write about. I can deal with others telling me to conform my actions to certain social standards or whatever it is they think is appropriate conduct, but that sh*t doesn’t apply once I hit up my Xanga. This is my little text-based sanctuary, so leave your ideals at the door–or, better yet, you should shove them up your ass. That’d be way more productive than trying to get me to listen because honestly, the latter is never going to happen.

What was I talking about again? Oh right, the conversation I had with the ex!

Just kidding: I don’t have a civil harassment restraining order against anyone…maybe.

To hear him say that his other ex-girlfriends had told him that they had a problem with his inability to accept criticism was rather funny because coincidentally, that’s the first thing I thought of when he said he wanted to know what I disliked about him. This guy used to get mad whenever any criticism was directed at him. And I mean any. When his professor gave him negative feedback on a term paper, he blew up and started ranting that it was the professor who was wrong for not being able to read properly. When his parents told him he needed to be more responsible with his money, he flew into a rage and claimed his spending habits were his mom and dad’s fault because by helping him pay off his bills, he never learned to be afraid of falling into debt (I don’t understand the logic either). And when I suggested he should reconsider changing his major a fourth time because it would mean he’d be in college for 7 years before getting his degree, he threw a fit and said I was unsupportive and trying to pressure him into marriage. That was definitely not the case–especially the part about marriage because I broke up with him shortly thereafter. I’m sure he somehow managed to convince himself that our relationship ended because I was–I don’t know–acting on some kind of menstrual-induced impulse or something.

But regardless of how things were between us back then, many years had gone by and I’d moved on to better things. And it was clear that he had too: he found a girl he deeply cared about, and genuinely wanted help in saving his relationship with her. And if you’re at the point where you have to call your exes and basically ask them to bad-mouth you–a person would have to be pretty damn heartless and cruel to kick you down when you’re already knee-deep in desperation.

So I decided to tell him what he wanted to know, i.e., what I didn’t like about him when we were dating, i.e., that he couldn’t handle criticism without turning into a little b*tch. But I said it nicely, of course.

And you know, for someone who had apparently already heard the same thing from his other exes, he didn’t take my answer particularly well.

Ugh…the “you implied it” argument. It’s the tool of tools…

I think it’s funny that he asked for constructive criticism, but then got mad when he received it. What makes it even funnier is that his reaction was the very thing the exes and I didn’t like about him. What’s the point of asking when you don’t even want to hear the answer?

Man…some people are just meant to be single.

The weird thing about the “you’re selfish” argument is that sometimes the person making the accusation is himself being selfish.

For example:

And freeze.

I can understand Walnut’s rationale for calling Turnip selfish. They both like canned cat food, but she won’t get to eat any because her brother ate most of it. The way Walnut sees it, Turnip should have taken her into consideration before devouring the entire can of “Friskies”–especially when it was the “Turkey and Giblets Dinner” flavor!

But…isn’t Walnut’s basis for calling Turnip selfish also somewhat selfish? She was upset that he didn’t leave enough canned food–not for Pepper or me–but for her. As in herself. As in selfish.

…Right? Kind of?

Anyway, because I can’t leave this on a cliffhanger, here is the rest of the story:

Note: I don’t know why, but Turnip always wakes up in the middle of the night and starts acting crazy. He knocks things off my desk, chews my wires, and jumps on my stomach while I’m trying to sleep. I seriously think he does it on purpose because he knows I’ll end up buying his good behavior with canned cat food.

This would never happen in real life though because (1) Turnip and Walnut have their own food dishes, and (2) cats can’t talk.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty tolerant of the world’s obsession with vampires—not the easiest thing to do considering the way things are nowadays. Despite being suffocated under the ever-growing pile of steaming crap that is “Twilight,” and the cheesy human/vampire “Romeo and Juliet”-esque television shows that seem to multiply every season, the fine line between indifference and insanity had not yet been crossed. It wasn’t crossed when “Blade” became a television series, or when I saw a 40+ year-old woman wearing a two-sizes-too-small “Edward Cullen” T-shirt…even seeing snapshots Alicia Silverstone trying to salvage her career by starring in a movie about a vampire living in New York City wasn’t enough to push me over the edge.

I honestly started to think that maybe—just maybe—I was immune to the vampire hype…that maybe I could actually live the rest of my life on the “indifference” side of the line…that maybe I’d be able to survive these dark times with my sanity intact.

But then I saw this: “Fox Sets ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ For 2012”

And this:

…which is apparently about this: “President Lincoln’s mother is killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers.”

What…what the hell…? Are you serious? Are you f*cking serious?! “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”?!?!?!?! The line has officially been crossed! (But you’ve got to give them credit for including the part about crushing the “slave-owning helpers”…that must be their shout-out to the “Emancipation Proclamation.”)

I get it: vampires are the big money-makers these days, and anything involving attractive 20-somethings with fake fangs and pasty skin is pretty much guaranteed to be successful. But a movie about Honest Abe hunting vampires? Is the entertainment industry just green-lighting any project as long as a vampire shows up somewhere? I know you guys are racing to make as much money as you can while the vampire fad is still hot, but it’s starting to look like a cluster f*ck. I mean, seriously—we don’t need another movie, T.V. show, novel, comic book, play, puppet routine, etc. etc. about sexy-yet-moody vampires dating sexy-yet-moody humans!

And where did this sexy-yet-moody vampire crap even come from anyway? The old-school movies featured vampires that were raggedy as hell, and you won’t find anyone who will tell you Count Chocula is a sexy beast.

I don’t know where the concept of “sexy vampire” came from, but it’s now as much a part of the vampire culture as blood-sucking. And that really sucks (no pun intended) because as more and more crap about sexy vampires comes out, the more people start to wish they were vampires. And out of that group of wishful wannabes, there are a handful of dumbasses that start calling themselves real-life vampires.

The world does not need more fake vampires, okay? Have you seen one of those documentaries about people who claim to be real-life vampires? They are aired every now and then on the “Discovery” or “National Geographic” channels—you’ll probably be able to see a few when another “Twilight” movie comes out. And if you’re ever lucky enough to catch one on television, I suggest you unplug your phones, take a sick day, cancel your appointments, and cut off all your friends and family members because that sh*t is something you must watch! I’ve watched a few, and they were the most awesomely awesome showcase of human f*ckery I’ve ever seen.

First of all, you’ve got these adults—not teenagers or kids dressed up for Halloween—but actual adults claiming to be vampires because they own a lot of dark clothing, wear those contact lenses that turn their irises white, and have an aversion sunlight.

Since when does that make you a real-life vampire, you dumbass? You’re just a goth kid who turned 30 and realized you couldn’t call yourself “goth” without looking like a retarded asshat, so now you call yourself a vampire. Good for you! You’re totally de-asshatified because being a 30-year-old vampire doesn’t sound as ridiculous as being a 30-year-old goth kid.

Once you’re introduced to some old-ass former goths claiming to be vampires, you are then given an opportunity to see how these sh*t blood suckers survive in modern times. And I have to say, despite all the advances we’ve made since Louis and Lestat first walked the Earth, these guys have managed to stay true to the vampirism code by doing all the things a real vampire would do. They live with their parents, soak their fangs in denture cleaner, stay indoors when the sun’s out because they don’t have day jobs…or night jobs…or any jobs, and then go to raves at night. You know…run-of-the-mill vampire activities.

The day-in-the-life segment shows that modern-day vampires are really busy…and with such hectic schedules, you know they must be expending a ton of energy every night. But while we lowly humans can rely on things like fruits and vegetables to get us through the day, vampires need blood to survive…and (depending on which movie you get your facts from) some of them are, like, hegans, i.e., vampires who can only consume human blood.

Since the blood thing is one of the classic characteristics of a vampire, the obvious question that is inevitably posed is whether these real-life vampires drink blood. This is my favorite part of the documentary because it tests the limits of these losers. We all know they aren’t vampires, and we therefore also know they don’t drink blood. Sure, some of these nut bags claim they have to fight off major cravings for real Bloody Marys, but I’m betting the only time they’ve ever consumed blood was when they cut their lips while removing their fake fangs.

Anyway, when the topic turns to blood consumption, that’s when the real BS starts flowing. In one of the documentaries I watched, the “vampire” actually admitted that he didn’t drink blood. I thought, “Ah ha! I knew you didn’t drink blood, you fraudy doot pile, because you’re not a vampire!” No one would push the vampire act far enough to drink blood when there is stuff like hepatitis and AIDS floating around…not to mention the fact that blood tastes like metallic ass.

But AIDS/hepatitis wasn’t the reason why the “vampire” abstained from blood. Instead, according to him, “Vampires don’t drink blood because it is illegal.” Under what, you ask? The Vampire Bible. Yes, there is a freaking Vampire Bible that says vampires are not allowed to drink blood. That’s like passing a law that makes it a crime for people to breathe air! What kind of vampire can survive without drinking blood? Oh, I know! A fake one.

I thought this was enough to kill this guy’s claim of being a real-life vampire, but of course the douche had an answer to cover his ass. Instead of drinking blood, he and his fellow “vampires” consumed emotional energy or something. I guess he was referring to chi, but I might be wrong; he was spewing so much BS that my brain became too clogged to process any more. I do, however, vaguely remember him saying something about how you can tell a vampire has fed on your energy because you’re suddenly left feeling tired and depressed. Isn’t that the same feeling people experience when they are around asshats? I’m just saying…

As long as this vampire fad continues, you can expect to see more and more vampire-related garbage being put out there. And with more of that garbage comes more fake vampires—and ultimately more BS about crap like vampire bibles and chi-sucking. And that’s a lot of BS.

You know what, though? Even though I’m anti-vampire, I might watch “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” anyway. Not because I’m interested in the storyline or anything; my only motivation is to see how the director is going to turn Honest Abe into an ass-kicker—which can’t be an easy task. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t exactly fit the image of an action movie star. President? Yes, but vampire hunter? Definitely not.

Besides, we’re talking about Hollywood here. It’s all about sex and beauty in that industry, so I think the director is going to end up casting a hot man to play Abraham Lincoln. But what is he going to do about Abe’s signature Amish-style beard? I don’t care who you put that on; it’s not a sexy look.

See? Not sexy!

Hmm…do you think John Wilkes Booth is going to make an appearance? Maybe as the king of the vampires? That might not be the best idea since we all know how that one is going to play out…and it’s not good.

…Unless it’s like this:

Abraham Lincoln manages to track down John Wilkes Booth, the king of the vampires, at Ford’s Theatre. Armed with garlic, a wooden stake, and some serious bad assness, he is ready to put an end to this hunt and avenge his mother’s death.

Just as Abe makes it to the state box, John Wilkes Booth appears behind him with a gun and fires a fatal shot:

Abe is mortally wounded, and as a result of his rapidly weakening state, begins to lose control over his body. His physical features sudden begin to change. Large ears, a tail, sharp claws…OMG! Abraham Lincoln was a werewolf! I didn’t know M. Night Shyamalan was directing this movie!

And before Abe dies, he leaves Booth with a frightening foreshadowing of things to come:

More “Underworld” movies?! Noooooooo!!!!!!!