December 3, 2010

• You know how supermarkets have a bakery section where you can pick up already-made muffins and stuff? I know it's way more convenient to buy baked goods there instead of making them yourself, but I think you might want to reconsider doing that after I tell you what I just went through.

  I couldn’t sleep last night, so I decided to watch a few episodes of “Top Chef: Just Desserts.”

  

  This turned out to be one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had because unlike most people who typically have just one sweet tooth, I unfortunately only have sweet teeth. That's right: all of my teeth are sweet ones--in fact, I don't even think my teeth are actually teeth. They're really sugar cubes wedged into my gums.

  Considering my love for all things sugary, using “Top Chef: Just Desserts” as a sleep aid failed within the first 5 minutes. Instead drifting off to the sights and sounds of cookies, cakes, and all types of chocolate confections being made, I found myself wide awake and desperately wanting a slice of chocolate cake...topped with a "Rice Krispies" treat...and 3 scoops of ice cream...and crushed "Whoppers" and "Butter Finger" bits...

  

  Having only sweet teeth makes it extremely difficult for me to ignore cravings for things that have sugar and butter as their primary ingredients. And I knew that if I wanted to go to bed at some point, I was going to have to feed my face first.

  But there was a problem...

  

  Argh! All was lost!

  ...Or was it?

  

  

  It was about 58 degrees that night, but I still got up and drove my ass down to the supermarket. And I believe the word you're looking for here is "passionate," not "pathetic."

  The place was pretty empty when I arrived. There were two or three employees putting things on the shelves, a nightshift manager working the cash register, and a few late-night shoppers making their ways through the aisles. As for me, I  grabbed a shopping cart and sprinted towards the bakery section at the other end of the store.

  

  Just as I was putting together a mental checklist of all the things I wanted to get, a foul stench of really, really dirty armpits suddenly punched me in the nose.

  

  

  It was a scraggly-ass transient!

  Indeed, the source of the stank was a homeless guy who was walking towards the bakery section. And as much as I wanted to get my hands on some cookies and cake, he was so smelly that I decided to wait for him to walk out of the area before I ventured in.

  While I waited, I watched the homeless man make his way towards a little display of chocolate chip cookies.

  

  And to my horror, the Lord of the Flies opened up one of the plastic boxes!

  

  And then he put his doodoo hands into the box, took out some cookies, and began eating them!

  

  Once he was done eating, he closed the box back up--but it didn't end there. After snapping the lid in place, he picked up the box and shook it!

  

  I think he shifted the cookies around to keep people from noticing that a few were missing! And it totally worked because when he put the box back on the display table, it didn't look like its contents had just been molested by a rotten homeless dude.

  I watched this guy perform his routine through the entire bakery section: open up a box of pastries, eat a few, close the box, shake it up, then put it back for some unwitting customer to purchase later...a customer who was probably going to find himself stuck with explosive diarrhea or tapeworms.

  The homeless man eventually left...and so did I, even though I didn't buy anything. Seeing him use the supermarket as some dessert buffet totally killed my craving for sweet baked goods, as well as the possibility of me ever buying an already-made bakery item again. Are you kidding me? All I see now are boxes full of fly babies and armpitiness!

  • 3:06 am
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