December 17, 2010

• I've been waging war with my toilet for the past few weeks. I wanted to post something about it back when the fighting started, but that was because I naively believed the problems would end within a week, at most. But it's been about two and a half weeks now, and Ultimate Flushing Championship 1--also known as "UFC 1: Sylvia versus Toilet"--is still going strong...to the point where it doesn't look like the war is going to end any time soon.

  So while I originally wanted to post this once the toilet issues were resolved--thus providing the story with a happy ending--I've decided to put up part of what I have because it's already been 2 weeks since my last post. Yes, that means there is no happy ending as of now (not for me, at least), but taking 2 weeks to blog about a freaking toilet is just way too long.

  ...And to be completely honest, I'm already 20 pictures in and am starting to feel burned out over this whole topic. That, and I really don't enjoy reliving past episodes of an ongoing nightmare. My dedication to self-deprecating blogs unfortunately does have its limits.

  Anyway, here is a part of what I've been working on. Sorry for the long and unnecessary delay...

  So this all started when my toilet began losing water. The level would slowly drop, and the toilet would then refill the bowl back up. This was a waste of water, and also very annoying because the toilet would make a hissing noise whenever it was refilling the bowl. It wasn't pleasant to hear, especially when I was sleeping because sometimes the sound would somehow cause me to dream about the damn toilet.

  I put in a maintenance request with the apartment manager, and a nice old man was sent over to fix the problem. Then again, I think he was the only person they could send over. There used to be a deaf guy who worked with him, but I think he moved away.

  Oh well, whatever. The nice old man did some stuff, and the toilet's water levels stopped dropping...and that meant no more hissing noises!

  But with the elimination of one problem, it seemed another one was born. And it presented itself at a most inopportune moment...during the one time you need your toilet to definitely work.

  

  After I purged myself of the questionably-sanitary taco, I tried to purge it from the toilet. But instead of flushing the waste away, only half of the stuff made it down the drain. The rest of it kind of just swirled around the bowl.

  

  Like any normal person would do when staring at her own waste, I politely asked my toilet:

  

  To which it replied:

  

  Ass bag?! Can you believe it?! My own toilet had the nerve to call me an ass bag!

  The stuff eventually flushed completely away, but it took, like, 3 additional attempts--and that's just wrong. It wasn't like I tried to hide a doodoo bomb under a bale of toilet paper or anything--and even if I had, my toilet would have been able to handle it. But that was before it turned into a porcelain b*tch.

  So the next day I again had maintenance come fix the toilet, and they sent the nice old man from before:

  

  ...and he was able to diagnose the problem.

  

  After he left, I decided to have another chat with my toilet.

  

  Somehow this post has turned into Japanese fetish porn...

  I had the opportunity to test out the fixed toilet right then and there because I'd been holding my pee for the longest time (UTI alert!). I was afraid that it wouldn't flush down by the time the nice old man arrived, and I didn't want him to have to service my toilet under those disgusting conditions. Toilets are nasty enough.

  And guess what? The toilet started flushing correctly! Just one push of the lever and my homemade sewage disappeared. Life was good again!

  But, alas, that was just the calm before the storm because a few days later, the toilet started having flushing issues again.

  

  In my mind, all toilet insults have something to do with ass. It makes sense, doesn't it?

  Again, I put in another maintenance request, and again, the nice old man showed up.

  

  The man checked the toilet again, and didn't see anything wrong with the water levels. He then flushed it.

  

  And the water flushed completely!

  

  This had to be a set-up! The toilet had not been working properly when I used it, but now that it had someone to impress, it suddenly decided to be the most obedient toilet in the world! Something wasn't right! The toilet was setting me up!

  That was when I realized the toilet wasn't playing fair. And I didn't that epiphany very well.

  

  I feel so bad for the nice old man. He's come over so many times to fix the toilet, and I'm constantly apologizing about it, but he just laughs and says he is happy to help the tenants. He admitted that the toilets in the apartment complex were cheap models that were often plagued with problems. To him, the best solution would be to replace all the units with more efficient models, but there was little he could do about that since the property managers were in charge of the facilities. The only thing he could do was try his best to fix the problems--or at least make them less problematic.

  Since the time he replaced the valve until now, the nice old man has been back here 3 more times to check the toilet. Three. But at least he's got some assistants now. I guess management hired a few more guys to help out...probably because my toilet problems kept the only member of their maintenance staff too busy to fulfill other service requests. I drew pictures of what happened during those other visits, but I think I will save them for when UFC 1 finally reaches an end...and I predict that will occur when (1) the toilet is fixed, (2) I move, or (3) I hammer the toilet to pieces so that management will have no choice but to give me a new one. I am leaning towards # 3 because I am still pissed about being called an "ass bag" and an "ass monger."

  • 6:05 pm
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