January 15, 2011

• This is insane.

  Do you remember that story I told you about how my ex-boyfriend called me up one day because he was having problems with his girlfriend? He said he was calling all his exes to find out what we didn't like about him back when we dated him, but then got really mad when I gave him an answer--remember that one? Yeah well, I can't believe I'm saying this but there is actually a part 2 to the story now. A freaking part 2!

  To keep things simple, I'm going to call the ex-boyfriend "Mr. X." I originally wanted to go with "Mr. Ex Who Regularly Commits Felony Douche Baggery," but I'm too lazy to type that out.

  Okay, so this past Tuesday I was really busy playing "Rune Factory Frontier" when my game was rudely interrupted by a phone call.

  

  Silence.

  

  More silence.

  I decided to hang up because it was obvious that this was just another telemarketer trying to shill me some crap. Those calls always start out with long silences before a robotic voice comes on and starts telling me that I need to take advantage of some debt refinancing services right away or else the devil is going to take my soul and make me watch Nicolas Cage movies for the rest of my afterlife. Nooooo!

  But just as I was about to hang up, the caller decided to start talking:

  

  Huh? Mr. X? Why was this girl asking me about him? Oh! Mr. X must have finally gotten arrested for all the felonious douche baggery he had done, and this person was an investigator who was building a case against him!

  Okay, that probably wasn't why she called, but it didn't matter to me. What did matter, however, was that she was taking up my valuable playing time! I had a lot of farming and rune stuff to do, and chatting with this person was putting me behind schedule.

  So I answered this chick's question in hopes that it would be the end of the phone call. That turned out to be a mistake.

  

  I wasn't sure if I'd heard her correctly: did she just accuse me of f*cking Mr. X?

  

  OMG! She did!

  

  You know, someone should tell her that wrongfully accusing others is not the way to avoid starting drama...

  It quickly became apparent that whomever this girl--this "Miss Rotted Crotch" hag bag--was trying to reach, it definitely wasn't me.

  

  I'm guessing Rotted Crotch had Mr. X's cell phone records or something in front of her. That was probably how she got my phone number, and was able to tell me exactly when Mr. X had called.

  While I like a good drama as much as anyone else, I prefer to watch mine on television. I did not want any part in what was clearly a very messy (and diseased) lovers' quarrel.

  

  

  "The other girl I called before"? This chick was insane!

  

  

  ...Insane and retarded.

  

  Hooray! I had finally won my freedom!

  

  Nooooooooo!

  

  

  Oops...I accidentally said that outloud.

  

  A word of advice to those of you who are considering Rotted Crotch's tactics: don't do it. Hello! You're lying about having a venereal disease! Most people lie and say they're clean when they're actually not, so when you later decide to let everyone in on the joke--i.e., that you really don't have an STD--no one is going to believe you. Instead, they're all thinking that you're lying about lying.

  

  OMG...this girl was unbelievable. It was bad enough that she had interrupted my "Rune Factory Frontier" time to yell at me, but now that we had gotten everything cleared up, she was asking me for relationship advice?! She didn't have herpes--she had syphilis!

  Since I'd already spent so much time with her, I decided to just use up a little more to answer her question. What would I do if I were her, huh? Hmm...I'd probably throw myself in front of a train...or lie in the pathway of some stampeding elephants. You know, something that would obliterate my pathetic existence from the face of the planet.

  I ended up not giving her an answer...not a straight one anyway.

  

  

  AAAAAAAAAARGH!

  

  Insane and retarded...definitely.

  P.S. The pick-up line I made up in the previous post was the second one. Thanks for playing!

  

  • 3:31 pm
  • 42 Comments