When you are having trouble buying a gift for a friend or family member, the best way to go is to ask the recipient a question–and it’s not “What do you want for your birthday/Christmas/whatever.” That one is okay as long as you don’t mind giving someone money as a present, because that’s what they’re going to respond with 99% of the time. But if you’d rather give the recipient an item, the best question to ask is actually “What do you not want for your birthday/Christmas/whatever?” People just seem to have an easier time telling you what they don’t want as opposed to what they do, you know? It’s almost as if they’ve got their sh*tty gift lists burned into the forefront of their brains.

What’s that? You want to know what’s on my sh*tty gift list? No? I just made up that question because I couldn’t come up with a better transition? Whatever…I’m going to tell you what’s on my list anyway because it only consists of one item. One–and it’s not a pile of human doots shaped to look like a chocolate cake. Honestly, I would rather get a doot cake than be gifted with this:

A mini cactus! Ughhhhhh…

Mini cactuses are the worst gifts you could give. Whenever I see one, I can’t help but think “Wow, that is incredibly useless.” I mean, what purpose do they serve? They aren’t fun to look at, and unless you live inside a Taco Bell, they don’t do anything to improve the interior decor of your home. What’s the point? And yes, I know they’re cute at first, but that reaction only occurs when you don’t own any. If your personal space is cacti-free, and the only time you’re ever stuck in a room with one is when you’re buying plant feed from Home Depot, you’re not going to realize how much dead weight the mini cactus really carries.

But it is a completely different situation when someone gives a mini cactus as a present. Now you’re stuck with it; now it’s gone from being a cute novelty item to a prickly piece of sh*t that’s all up in your personal space.

“Oh, but it’s the thought that counts, Sylvia! You’re being really ungrateful!” Unfortunately, that argument doesn’t work when the extent of the thought process involved is this:

Use #1: Turn it Into a Tool to Punish the Person Who Gave it to You in the First Place

The obvious way to punish the person who gave you the mini cactus is to put it on her chair…but that’s kind of boring. I would rather jazz it up a bit–you know, give this retribution some personality. And what better way to accomplish this than by giving the mini cactus a face and some snarky dialogue!

See? Now it’s ready to be placed on a chair!

But what if the giver sees the mini cactus before she sits down? Not a problem! Because even though she won’t feel the sting of a bunch of small needles stabbing her ass, she’ll feel the pain of being degraded by a mini cactus with googly eyes!

Pow! Pow! Facial!

Use #2: Create a Deadly Weapon of Deadliness!

It might sound daunting at first, but you will soon see how simple it is to make your very own Deadly Weapon of Deadliness. In fact, it’s so simple that it can be explained in two pictures:

That old tube sock you were about to throw away because you lost its twin is now king–no, emperor–of all socks! And this emperor can be swung around like a nunchuck!

But keep in mind that a tube sock doesn’t have the greatest range…

Although it would be really fun to put these ideas to work, I still do not want a mini cactus. Give me a doot cake instead.

Has anyone ever told you your normal face looked sad or mad? By “normal face” I mean one that’s totally expressionless–i.e., you’re not smiling, frowning, grinning, scowling, etc. It’s just the way you look when your facial muscles aren’t being used to express your emotions.

Most of the normal faces I’ve seen looked pretty neutral, and didn’t give off any particular vibe. My normal face, however, must really hate being associated with me or something because I’m always getting this sh*t:

Isn’t that depressing? My default face-at-rest is one that looks perpetually mad or sad! Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think anyone has ever read my normal face to be a sad one. It’s always been interpreted as a “pissy, frigid b*tch” face!

Of course, once I tell them I’m really not feeling mad/sad even though my normal face makes me look like I am, it’s all good.

…But then I’ll get a piece of advice:

Someone always–always–makes this stupid suggestion. It’s inevitable…like Lindsay Lohan being in a courtroom, or finding a lifetime’s worth of raggedy-ass Ed Hardy t-shirts in a douche bag’s closet. Whenever someone finds out I was born with a lemon of a normal face, that person will always tell me to smile more often.

But why the hell would anyone do that? How could “you should smile more often” be taken as anything other than joke advice? I mean, no one smiles unless (1) they are in a situation where smiling is required (e.g., sales people), or (2) they are happy. And smiling outside of those two scenarios looks insane:

The only people who run around smiling for no reason are crazies and the retarded!