April 11, 2011

• I've heard a fair number of stories about really bad first dates, and I've actually been on a few unpleasant ones myself...

  But none of those torrid tales can compare to the one someone had posted on his Facebook page. They don't even come close. In fact, this person's story was so ridiculously bad that not sharing it with you all would be a serious crime against nature. And besides, I wouldn't be paying it forward if I kept this to myself. The only reason why I know this Facebook note even exists is because a friend had told me about it...and he had heard about it from someone else...who heard about it from someone else...and so on. So you see, I am obligated to do my part in sharing the story with others. It's like spreading a venereal disease, except it's way more entertaining and doesn't give you fire piss.

  Before I do anything, let me introduce the cast of characters! They are real people, but I drew them as fruits instead.

  

  Okay, so Apple is a guy I went to law school with. I didn't know him personally, but we shared mutual friends and they sometimes told me bits and pieces about him--like how he'd never been in a relationship before, and was desperately trying to find someone to be his first girlfriend. (I'm sure you know where this is headed...)

  Pear also went to the same law school as I did, but he graduated a few years before me. He and Apple have been friends for awhile.

  And finally, there is Orange, Pear's sister-in-law.

  Got it? Great!

  So like I said, Apple has never been in a relationship with anyone...and I mean literally never--as in, the guy has been single the entire time he's been alive. He's never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend), never had a casual hook-up--nothing. He's got a blank slate for a dating history, and is a virgin in every sense of the word. I don't really know how he managed maintain his single status for so long since he's a decent looking guy, and is apparently a really nice person. But whatever...the point is, Apple was done sitting around by himself and had decided to be a proactive player in the dating game.

  Unfortunately, however, he wasn't having any luck finding love on his own--and I think that might have had something to do with his lack of experience. After all, you kind of need some history in order to know what works and what doesn't. And that prior experience also helps you figure out the types of people you're compatible with, and whether you need to tweak any behavior or mannerisms to make a relationship last. But that's just me.

  Although Apple was having a difficult time meeting women, his luck seemed to change for the better while he was attending a birthday party for Pear.

  

  

  And guess what? Apple and Orange hit it off right away!

  

  They ended up spending the rest of the evening talking to each other. And they really did have a lot in common; besides being from the same region, sharing June birthdays, and being fans of the same sports teams, it turned out that Apple used to intern at the place Orange was currently employed at. Small world, right?

  It looked like Apple was finally making progress in his search for love! Orange seemed into him, and he was definitely into her. They stayed in contact after that, and a few days later, decided to go out on a first date.

  As a cute gesture of affection, Apple gave Orange a present:

  

  When I read the part about the Knicks mug, I thought that was a pretty clever and adorable way to break the ice. The gift, however, wasn't the mug, but the item inside it:

  

  He gave her a diamond ring! A freaking diamond ring! And it was only their first date!

  Now, I'm not big on jewelry, but I do appreciate it when someone gives it to me. That someone, however, has to be either a family member or a guy I've been dating for at least 6 months. There has to be some history behind the gift, you know?

  But for a guy to give a girl jewelry on a first date? I don't care how well they get along--that's some seriously creepy sh*t!

  I guess Orange must have sensed the creepiness, because she refused to take the ring.

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  Smart girl, that one. I wonder if Apple realized Orange's idea was actually a how-to for getting engaged...you know, when giving a diamond ring is appropriate.

  Anyway, the ring fiasco made Orange really uncomfortable, and she decided not to see Apple again. But I guess he didn't understand what she meant because he was constantly calling and texting her every day.

  

  Eventually, Orange got really fed up and told Pear about Apple's creepiness.

  

  

  Pear was surprised by how Apple was behaving, and felt pretty guilty about introducing the two of them in the first place. He called Apple and told him Orange wasn't interested, and to stop bombarding her with text messages and phone calls. He also told his friend that his dating techniques needed a massive overhaul. The two of them aren't friends anymore.

  Apple stopped calling and texting Orange, and they never went on another date. But was that the end of the story? No way! A guy that creepy isn't going to end things so easily!

  A few days after all this had occurred, Orange went to work and found 3 giant bouquets of flowers in her office.

  

  They were from Apple! And they all had "I'm sorry" cards on them! That's so sad! The guy was apologizing for being creepy, but he couldn't even do that without being what? Creepy!

  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That's awful...Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  You know what's even worse? The person who posted this note was Apple himself! Apple! He's the last person who should be publicizing this. But I guess he was looking for advice and sympathy from his friends, and included every little detail so they could make informed opinions. How dense is that?! And then he ended his note with: "I guess girls really are all about the chase." OMG! OMG!

  • 4:10 pm
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