January 15, 2012

• I have a list of sh*t I think people need to keep to themselves. I don’t mean stuff like the story of how you got explosive diarrhea after eating semi-raw chicken. People need to know those things! How else will they know how important it is the thoroughly cook chicken?!

  Actually, the sh*t I’m talking about is real sh*t that you should never spread around to anyone unless you want an acid enema. It’s stuff you know the speaker is telling you because he means well, but it ends up coming off as stuffy and, well, sh*tty.

  1. Living a Healthy Lifestyle

  

  

  

  

  

  This is on my list of sh*t you should keep to yourself for purely selfish reasons. I’ll be the first to admit that my dietary habits are pretty crappy. A good 80% of what I eat consists of things that are full of sugar and high in calories. I love foods that are fried and smothered in cheese. My kitchen always has more chips and candy than fruits and vegetables. I wash everything down with diet soda–but at least it’s diet, right?

  I know the toll these foods have on my health, and have begrudgingly embraced moderation, balanced nutrition, and regular exercise over the years. Junk food, however, is still very much a part of my daily intake. It’s just that now I’m doing whatever I need to do to stay healthy despite my indulgences–but that is the most I’m willing to do. If you decide to go above and beyond that, great. Go for it. I have nothing but respect for people who can make that kind of commitment even though it’s not for me.

  But some of those who’ve had the healthy-living epiphany seem to think that if they’ve made the decision, everyone else should too. Don’t eat that popcorn chicken pizza, all covered with ranch dressing and gravy! That’s really bad for you! You should eat carrot and celery sticks lightly sprayed with Pam instead! And then they get all expert on your ass because they think reading a bunch of nutrition labels makes them dietary gurus.

  Decided to start healthy living? Congratulations! Now keep that sh*t to yourself.

  2. Superstitions

  

  

  

  

  If you’re superstitious about something–fine. You can go ahead and avoid certain numbers, breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, and all that other stuff to your heart’s content. Who am I to stop you from doing whatever you need to do to convince yourself that you are in control of your life, you know? I don’t really care one way or another as long you keep whatever it is you do to ward off bad luck and negativity to yourself. So if you think farting against the wind will bring a curse on your household, then go ahead and fart with the wind. That kind of stuff only becomes an issue when you give me sh*t for farting against the wind because now I have to conform my farting to your superstitions. And why the hell should I do that? I don’t derive any benefit from wind-directional farting. That’s your thing! All I get out of it is an uncomfortable tightness from holding in all that ass gas.

  And what about the billions of superstitions out there that you’ve never even heard of, and are therefore not following? You don’t seem to be crippled with bad luck even though you’re probably breaking a hundred superstitions every second.

  Unless you can point out the times in your life when failing to follow through on a superstition caused you to experience some kind of hardship or turmoil, your superstitions will remain on the list of sh*t you should keep to yourself. And no, telling me something like, “Uh, I ate chicken on March 15th and then two weeks later I broke my wrist playing flag football” is not going to cut it.

  3. Cancer Anxiety

  Finally, the sh*t that started it all:

  

  

  

  

  I’ve pretty much accepted that everything in the world can cause cancer. Even the things that are supposed to help decrease the risk of cancer can cause cancer. I recently read a report that found drinking alcohol could increase a woman’s risk of getting breast cancer–but then I got all confused because there was another article which said red wine could help decrease the risk of breast cancer. Uhh…okay.

  One thing I like to keep in mind with these studies is that they usually end the same way: the results show a possible link between X and cancer. Possible, not definitive. But some people read these studies and think, “OMG! Cell phones totally cause brain cancer!” when there is nothing in the text to suggest anything more than “we will probably need to do additional research.” And then they go nuts buying all the hands-free sets they can find, while at the same time telling everyone who isn’t using one that a tumor is growing in their heads.

  You know…until researchers get as close to finding a connection like they did with cigarettes and lung cancer, I’m going to keep putting my cell phone to my ear, drinking diet soda, and eating my blackened chicken Caesar salad. Freaking out over whatever risk probably causes cancer anyway, so keep that sh*t to yourself!

  • 9:37 pm
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