January 27, 2012

• So I had the opportunity to listen in on an awesome conversation while waiting to check out of Trader Joe’s. If you’re not familiar with Trader Joe’s, it’s a hippy-run version of Whole Foods. I only go there to buy cheap-yet-super-delicious wine and gummy candies, but I try to avoid making those trips whenever I can because the cashiers are slow. And I mean painfully slow. I was once stuck waiting 20 minutes for a cashier to ring up a woman who only bought 4 items. That process shouldn’t have taken more than 5, but the cashier insisted on making small talk about every item in the woman’s basket. Like, he would pick up a box of hippy granola and say, “This looks yummy!” and the woman would be all, “OMG! I know,” and then the two of them would end up having a discussion about granola. It was like a freaking life sentence.

  This recent trip to Trader Joe’s was brought on by my addiction to their mango-yogurt gummy candies. I was totally expecting the usual long and arduous check-out process, and called my friends and family to tell them I loved them and might not see them again for a few years. And then I waited in line behind a woman with a half-empty shopping cart and a man who was only buying 3 things. Not that quantity mattered or anything. It wasn’t like we were going to be checked out any faster than the old man next to us who had a million things in his cart.

  As I was standing in line, the woman in front turned around and started talking to the man behind her. I don’t think they knew each other because the guy didn’t seem particularly interested, and wasn’t responding to anything she said. You keep your mouth shut when someone’s trying to chat with you to prevent that person from prolonging a conversation you really don’t want to have. I mean, if you’re not giving any response, the speaker is going to feel like she’s talking a wall and will eventually leave you alone. That, or she will think you’re deaf or foreign. It doesn’t really matter as long as she shuts up.

  Anyway, I was about to write off this woman’s small talk as mindless drivel until she said this:

  

  And then this:

  

  I’m guessing the planets and stars and tea leaves were lined up a certain way because my wish to hear details about this woman’s E-harmony profile was immediately granted.

  

  OMG! She wrote “I love to laugh” for what I assume was a description of her interests! “I love to laugh”! And let me guess: she listed breathing as one of her hobbies.

  This is what I found so damn funny about it: Everyone enjoys a good laugh. Everyone. People laugh (and I mean genuinely) when they’re happy–and who hates being happy? No one. And no one on E-harmony or whatever is going to look at this woman’s profile and think, “Whew! I am so glad she wrote that she loves laughing because I can’t stand that sh*t. Dodged a bullet there!”

  The woman then said:

  

  Taking walks on the beach? Staring at sunsets? She should have just said “I like dating-profile clichés,” because that alone would have been enough to summarize this woman’s entire romance portfolio.

  But to be honest, my amusement might have been based on personal bias: I hate the beach, and viewing sunsets sounds boring as hell. In fact, I would actually have a hard time deciding which is worse: Sitting through a Dane Cook comedy show that has Criss Angel doing magic at the same time, or walking on the beach and watching the sun go down. Both seem extremely unpleasant and douchie.

  As if my life sentence of waiting to check out of Trader Joe’s couldn’t get any better, the woman then drops the most ridiculous line ever:

  

  At that point, I didn’t even bother hiding my pee-my-pants giggles anymore because there is no way she could have expected anyone within earshot to keep a straight face after hearing all of that. Even the guy who totally didn’t give a sh*t couldn’t keep his face together.

  Trader Joe’s rules.

  • 5:32 pm
  • 21 Comments